Question:
Where did our sex life go....??
— Cyber C. (posted on January 16, 2003)
January 16, 2003
You're going to have to play the part of the supportive husband for a
while. Losing 50 lbs in 3 months is screwing up her hormones. I went thru
a period like this too. She'll come back around. In the end, this will
all be worth it. Wouldnt it be great to have a support group just for the
husbands of women who go thru this surgery? I know my husband could have
used a few tips too. Don't worry, she'll swing the other way soon, and in
a few months you'll probably start wishing she'll leave you alone once in a
while so you can get some sleep!!!
— Monica H.
January 16, 2003
I agree with Monica. I have lost 71 lbs. since September 16th and I can go
for weeks without being interested in sex. Then all of the sudden, it's
like a hormone surge and I can't get enough! Then, I'm usually back to
being uninterested for a while. Things will even out for her eventually.
Just try to be understanding and things will get better! Good Luck!
— Jamie H.
January 16, 2003
The loss of fat means the hormones are nuts. They were stored in the fat,
which is not in continual motion. She doesn't love you less, but her hot
button is simply chemically OFF. first, dont' take it personally. Second,
there are things that can bump her back into normal. Not only are bad
hormone leverls darned inconvenint to the spouse, but the hormonEE is none
too happy either. And having that imbalance can affect every organ in the
body! Whoa! Was that a surprise. Isn't isn't JUST abotu sex, this
"little" problem can affect major organs and cause bone loss.
Amazing how ever piece fits together. So, please urge her to be seen.
There are shots that can just set the balance back right or pills or
patches, etc. The object is to fix it BEFORE there is permanent damage, to
body or relationships.
— vitalady
January 16, 2003
Yes hormones can get screwed up but what you describe are very classic
symptoms of depression. I suspect she needs medication and/or counseling
to help your wife find her old self. I can speak personally that losing
weight can really play havoc on your mental health. You would think it
would be the greatest thing in the world, and technically it is, but it can
bring all kinds of things to the surface. It forces you to deal with your
self image, as the fat protected you before. My best recommendation is to
set up a counseling appointment and tell your wife you really need her to
come along as you are scared for your marriage. The counselor will be able
to tell if it is depression and recommend a doctor. This way it's not you
telling her how she is and how she feels it's the counselor, a neutral
person, helping her to see what is going on. It can be quite a while till
things turn around, but they can turn around and be wonderful again. It is
going to take you reaching way down inside yourself and hanging in there
when it is really rough, but if you make it through your marriage will be
stronger. Good Luck!
— zoedogcbr
January 16, 2003
I would like to start by saying thanks for letting me see the other side.
All previous posts are true. I could go weeks and would not care if I were
touched. But if and when I get the "urge" my husband
says"What is with you" I kindly remind him not to complain. Just
remember she is going through so much right now and so are you. I see a
head doctor and it has helped me a lot. I wish you all the best.
— sarah C.
January 16, 2003
Hi Cyber:
I can only repeat what my husband said to me when I was three months
postop. "If this is how people act after WLS, I can see why the
divorce rate is so high!" Like you, he wished I had never heard of
WLS at that point, and just remained the happy, but overweight wife he had
always known and loved. We have been married 26 years with the normal ups
and downs of a long, long term relationship. However, the ups were much
more frequent than the downs, and we are mostly very wildly, passionately
in love. After he said that, I began to really study my behavior. I could
see that so much of the unreasonable behavior came from me. In my case, I
wanted such an enormous amount of attention because I had undergone major
surgery and had such a difficult emotional adjustment. The support and
attention that I wanted was unreasonable. No one could give that much.
Maybe you could just lavish much more attention towards her, and see how it
works. It seems to me, that due to her behavior, you are pulling away
rather than being extra supportive. It took me about 4 months until I felt
like my old self again. Please be patient with your wife. I know you
already are doing that. This is a terrible time for both of you, but I
think you have to be the strong one at this time. A little trick that has
always worked for me is to remind your wife of the wonderful times and
experiences that you have had together. Let her remember how much fun you
had in the past in the form of small vignettes from throughout your
marriage. If things do not improve within the next month or so, I would
suggest (in as nice and diplomatic a way as possible) that your wife try
antidepressants if she is not already taking them. Maybe she should share
them with you, lol. Knowing what a bitch I was, I can certainly relate to
your wife. However, you cannot be expected to endure this too much longer.
It sounds to me as if you and your wife have something wonderful and solid
in your marriage. Don't give up, even though you are going through so much
now. Things will improve, I promise.
Good luck to you both. Your wife is very lucky to have such a special and
caring spouse.
Grace
— Grace H.
January 16, 2003
Cyber: Please, please don't withdraw from your wife right now. She needs
you the most now. Please sit down with her, show her your question and
these posts, and start a discussion that can lead you back to your healthy
relationship. I'm sure 3 months can seem like a long time when you're used
to having sex 3 times a week, but it's not really very long in the big
scheme of things. And remember, if she had had to have
"emergency" surgery of some type, you would still be going
through this, and I'm sure you wouldn't abandon her then. Please try to
educate yourself about the hormonal changes that occur following surgery,
while also encouraging her to discuss these things with her doctor. Good
luck to you, and hang in there! I'm sure it will get better for you.
— Carlita
January 16, 2003
— Raelynn W.
January 16, 2003
I have not had surgery yet, however, I can understand why your wife feels
that way. First of all, we all say we will do something different in the
end ( wear the real daring things) when we get thin. People change. Maybe
she is feeling bad about her body right now. Still reassure her. Tell her
she is still beautiful. Avoid saying you wish she did not have WLS-
hopefully it was done for herself and not for you or anyone else. This will
only make problems worse. Just do not pressure her(try to make her feel
guilty) to have sex- when that happens some women will just go though the
motions just to get their spouse to shut up- Intimacy starts OUTSIDE of the
bedroom. Be patient, please, with her. Eventually she will come around.
Sometimes a little time can fix all, Be there for her, but do not be pushy.
LISTEN to her words not just her body language. Good Luck.
— Jan S.
January 16, 2003
I agree with the fact that her hormones are raging at this point, is she on
birth control? My boss also was wildly up one minute then down the next, I
would pray for the telemarketer that would call on her down times, she was
MEAN with a capital M. Wow! But, she did finally go on birth control
pills and it regulated her hormones (until her Dr mentioned the higher risk
of pregnancy she never would have gone on them, she refused to believe that
she was crabby) Her husband used to joke that she went from fat and jolly
to mean and lean. The emotions you experience from the rapid weight loss
are so extreme, everything happens so fast, some days your head spins. Try
joining her a few times a week exercising and talking. I love my husband
very much and I know that he loved me just as much when I was heavy, but
sometimes the old mentality comes back and when he is pawing all over me
talking about how good I look I wonder if he was turned off by my old
figure, but it's just the dumb emotions that play tricks. Give her time
and let her know that you are there. Her body is under alot of stress, ask
her how you can help. A stress free woman is a sexy woman. If she feels
so much stress, how can she feel sexy?
— Dana B.
January 17, 2003
I know where your wife is coming from. From about 3 months out until about
8 months out, I had NO LIBIDO at all! I'd always heard that as you lose
weight your sex life increases...well, it did'nt for me. I saw my PCP who
told me to "watch X rated movie". Great advice eh? I then went
to my OB-GYN who told me that until your weight stabalizes your hormones
are going crazy....along with everything else in your body changing. Your
body goes thru a "starvation mode" and it automatically tries to
conserve energy and one of these ways is by NOT procreating...so you lose
the desire. Believe me, at least in my case, the desire comes back! ;-)
Right now, just support and love your wife. Roll with the emotional
issues, mood swings and libido problems. Please don't push her to be what
you want her to be right now. Give her time to become comfortable in her
"new" skin and for the hormones to settle in a little. Enjoy
cuddling, holding hands, talking, taking long walks together ect...intimate
moments that may not include sex. She'll appreciate you not pressuring
her. Good luck to you!
— Leah H.
January 17, 2003
I'm about 3 months out, and if anything, our sex life has improved! I do
have to say that I am on (and have been on) a small amount of an
antidepressant for some time, even prior to surgery. I seem to be on a
pretty even keel emotionally, and I don't know if that is why. As for the
sexy nighties, I have only lost about 42 lbs, but I am COLD! I used to
normally wear tee-shirt nighties all the time, year round, and our
thermostat was set at 65, but now, I am freezing!
— koogy
January 17, 2003
i agree with the other posters. Don't give up on her. Also did she have
open or lap surgery? If it was open, maybe she has issues with her scar
and not being comfortable to let you see her that way. Some people on here
have written about that. Just a thought.
— Delores S.
January 17, 2003
I have not read the other responses so I will apologize if this is a repeat
in any way. I can only speak from my own experience; I weighed 337 pounds
before surgery. The weight was used as a shield(I later realized) from othr
people. As the weight began to come off I began to feel very vulerable and
afraid when anyone would look at me. It was very scary at first. Your wife
is probably going through alot of changes right now and simply needs your
support, patience, and understading. It must be very upsetting and
worrisome for you to see your wife going through whatever it is she is
dealing with. Have you sat down with her to let her know that you are
cocerned? Have you sat down with her and told her that you care about her?
that you have noticed a big change in her? Do you think that she may be
depressed? have her sleeping habits changed? the other signs that normally
change are eating habits, and a lack of interest in sex, as well as
moodiness/or being extremely emotional. It may be a good idea to talk to a
mental health professional(I am getting my master's degree in
psychology...). Good luck to you.
— twenc
January 17, 2003
I agree with the other posters, it is hormonal. It is also from the
anesthia. I had no desire for the first 2-3 months, either. Maybe she can
please you in other ways, that is what I did for my husband. She should
come around be patient, and don't forget about cuddling and just hugging.
Light some candles and put some romance into it. Maybe she is thinking
about her scar, and is self-conscience about the way she looks. The
candles will help camophlage things. Good luck.
— Tammy .
January 20, 2003
— James S.
January 20, 2003
Jim Smith, are you MO? Qualify for WLS? If you do thats the reason. The
divorce rate according to my surgeon where couples are MO, one chooses
surgery and the other doesnt is over 99% He said they invaribly get
divorced.:( Sorry to be the bearer of that bad news, but then again I dont
think your surprised. If your MO, have you considered surgery? Me and my
wife BOTH had it, I went first. I understand some of your comments too
well. Dealing with a depressed hormone crazed wife can be tough. I am going
to email this to you as well. In the hopes of a response. Incidentally I
love my wife Jen very much. Admit I glossed over some of the problems post
op so as to not scare her from surgery. I also decided that her health was
MORE important than our realtionship. I love her too much to see her ill
and eventually die from her weight. Decided pre op that I would work HARD
to make marriage work after surgery. But if it collapsed for some reason I
would wish her well. Whatever it wouldnt be MY fault. Healthy life is
better than a slow cruel death for someone you love. Even if it somehow
ends your realtionship. Theres a pld line about letting folks go, its hard
but true.
— bob-haller
January 20, 2003
— Mark W.
January 21, 2003
Hmm.. I won't read below.. but I'm sure someone will say similar things...
THREE MONTHS? Please give your wife a break... leaving aside the surgery..
etc.. women sometimes lose interest in sex.. for all kinds of reasons.. and
because they are women... we don't get viagra, because women's sexual
problems get less study then men's problems.. but that's another post.
Sometimes there are reasons that are easy to pinpoint, and sometimes there
are not. Why not be a little patient with your wife? She's going through
some amazing changes, some of which have to do with her hormones. I don't
kknow what you're doing to indicate you want sex.. but perhaps you should
focus solely on her for a moment or ten... try a little seduction.. plan a
romantic weekend away... buy her some flower.. simply because you love her,
not because you want sex... do some things just for her, because she is who
she is.. and you love her? You never said... I'm thinking also there is a
lot more going on than just sex... its going to take your wife a long time
to get used to her new body.. the physical changes come fast.. the
emotional... and head changes take a lot longer... good luck.
— Lisa C.
January 21, 2003
Cyber, don't give up yet. Support and love her. I know that I have been a
witch some, ok allot, since my surgery. One minute you're happy, the next,
you feel like screaming. It's crazy! It's so hard after surgery,
physically, but for me it's mostly mentally. There is no way that you can
really prepare. You think all these that you are going to do, be, and say
after surgery, but for me that all went out the window when I woke up from
the anesthesia. I have to take it one day, sometimes, one hour at a time
anymore. I don't know what I would have or would do without my husband.
He's my best friend and biggest supporter. (And I forwarded these posts
too him for his opinion, for my own sake of mind!) Try to hang in there,
she does really need you. And David, if you read this, THANK YOU and I
love you!!
— elainabolser
January 21, 2003
Hi,
I'm hoping that when I am post op this will not be the case with my
husband and I. Over the years, as my weight went up, ( I was married at
135 lbs), and my marriage grew longer, our relationship grew better.
Lately, the weight has been interfering with my stamina. My husband who is
overweight only by approx. 20 to 30 lbs, never complains. One of the
reasons that I am looking forward to the weight loss is so that we can be
more comfortable and have an even better, active relationship. I still
have my honeymoon lingerie and actually, fitting back into it is one of my
goals. My nutty husband LIKES the boring stuff. Oh well, he'll deal with
it. Anyway, an acquaintance who lives nearby had an rny a while back. Her
husband states a similar situation as others have described. His thinking
is that she was more active in the bedroom as to be sure that he was
interested in her. He thinks that now that she is thin, she no longer
needs to put forth the extra effort. It is upsetting to him and I
definitely understand this. I wonder how some of the relationships
described above were, other than in the bedroom before their mates had
surgery. I am just finding it hard to believe that all these women leave
their mates or get turned off just due to the weight loss. Any comments,
ideas?? P.S. my intent is not to offend anyone. Thanks!
— Fixnmyself
January 22, 2003
Well. This is the first time I have or will ever admit to anything. I
realize with a BMI of 43, I really don't have far to go compared to some
people. In my book I do. I am attractive. I am 35 years old. I have not
had a date in four years and have not even attempted sex (in four years)
due to embarassment of my body. I can't imagine it getting worse. I am
sorry you men have had to go through what you have had to go through and
don't know what to say or how to answer regarding that. There is someone
out there who will love you and me no matter what you say or think. I just
can't stand the idea that my introvertedness gets more introverted. Man.
That would be devastating.
— Marcy G.
January 22, 2003
First about the clothing issue. It probably is due to hanging skin but at
only 50 lbs off it is not that big yet. Does she look prettier with less
weight. Do you tell her? DOn't!!! Let her know you love her no matter how
she looks. Try to get some marriage counseling-if she won't go go without
her. Talk to he Doctor about the hormones. Hell talk to her. If you really
love this woman stick by her and don't run away. That is only making the
problem worse. Why not try some new things- going out dancing etc. Of
course what the heck do I know? I am only speaking of all the things I
should have done to save my marriage. Instead I walked away.
— snicklefritz
January 22, 2003
I am just going to say this. I have no idea if this applies to your wife
or not so please don't be offended. Some morbidly obese women are obese
for a reason and that reason is not just that they enjoy food. Some women
use food to sublimate feelings of self loathing, anger and worthlessness
that have their roots in childhood sexual abuse. When a woman has been
sexually abused in her childhood, she becomes torn between wanting to be
pretty and sexy and wanting to hide because she is afraid of being pretty
and sexy. Maybe she is beginning to feel vulnerable without her protective
cushioning. Have you suggested marriage counselling? If she won't go, you
should consider it for yourself to learn how to deal with her roller
coaster of emotions. I wish you luck.
— daisymae
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