Question:
How Do I approach A Friend Who Is Post Op But Doing Unhealthy Things?
I have a friend who just went through WLS. They have been mentoring me as I wait for my surgery. Just the other day I watched them drink a Dr. Pepper. They are only 1 month and 3 weeks post op and already eating normal food again(and not very healthy food choices at that) They do not have any dumping syndrome on sugar. They seem to have taken the attitude that they can eat anything they want as long as it is in small potions. I dont think they are getting in the amounts of protien and vitamins that they need and I am worried that they are jeopardizing their health. What can I say to them ? Isnt this a unhealthy diet ? What will the consiquences be for this type of eating?Thanks for your help. — Lindsay F. (posted on March 20, 2003)
March 20, 2003
Jeez--some people never learn, do they? I really wouldn't say a word.
They have heard it their whole lives, and if surgery hasn't taught them
anything, what will? I'm almost one year out and I still haven't had soda
and I don't eat bread! You could, however, start asking a ton of questions
regarding healthy food choices, protein count, water, etc..since you are
going to need to know all that stuff after tyour surgery. Maybe your
questions will inspire them! Believe me--the weight loss isn't forever!
— jenn2002
March 20, 2003
As a friend say something if you want, I would, but I am bold that way. BUT
I have yet to meet a Saint WLS yet. Good luck.
— Angela S.
March 20, 2003
i agree with J sample. you could ask things like
1. aren't you afraid that you will stop you weightloss
2. are you worried about you hair and teeth because you are not getting
enough good things in your body?
3. do you think you will be one of the people who looses 60 pounds fast and
then doesn't loose anymore?
4. do you think that by eating normal food again so soon that you will
stretch your pouch.
and you can read about people who have done what your friends have been
doing and see how they failed...
it's so hard when you care about someone and they are doing things that
aren't good for them. it's a hard line... you don't want to tell them what
to do and you don't want to sound like a nag for careing. good luck to you!
— k K.
March 20, 2003
I agree with J Sample. All our lives we had to deal with people watching
what we eat and pointing out that we aren't making the right choices. Put
yourself in your friend's place -- would you EVER want to hear your food
choices criticized?
— Kasey
March 20, 2003
I must say it is a lot easier pre-op to say what you will and will not do
than it is post-op. Your friend is making poor choices but she has just
come off the toughest time of her life first liquids then soft foods,not
being able to eat but a couple of ounces at a time, maybe she is just
trying things? I say this is one lesson she is going to have to learn on
her own.
Hazel
— Haziefrog
March 20, 2003
sounds like the old "do as i say not as i do." not much you can
do but learn from it... this is so not healthy, poor choices are a danger.
i am 3 months post op and - appx 60lbs. sometimes i look at things and
want to "taste" but nothing taste better then the feeling in my
heart as i live my post op life... none of my friends have had the surgery
but the ones that know i did tend to be watching out for me and sometimes i
feel like everyones science project!! good luck to you and i will keep you
and your friend in my prayers... oh and to answer your question, avoid
this friend if possible. you do not want to get any silly ideas!
— nan K.
March 20, 2003
I also don't think you should say anything...
— Tamara K.
March 20, 2003
Let me explain why I don't think you should say anything. First of all,
its really none of your business. You've got your hands full preparing for
your own surgery. Second, you don't see them 24/7, so you don't know what
food choices they're making outside of being with you. Third, I don't know
that saying anything would accomplish anything beyond causing a rift
between you. I assume your friend knows the rules, I assume your friend
has a doctor. Beyond that, what your friend puts in his/her mouth is up to
him/her...but as for you, good luck on your surgery. I'm not sure this is
the kind of mentor you need...but at least you seem aware of what you
should and should not be doing.
— Tamara K.
March 20, 2003
I also don't think you should say anything. Not to sound...mean, but you
aren't their doctor, you aren't with them 24/7 & you also really don't
know what it's like yet. It's really hard to remember that a huge part of
this is mental. If your friend CHOOSES to make those choices, then it's HER
CHOICE. And, are you really concerned about her or are you, as many of us
are totally unwilling to admit, being judgmental about someone else's
choices? If you're really concerned as a friend, then how about asking her
to support YOU in positive food choices? I'm 6.5 months out & I've made
some choices that some people wouldn't. Do I feel they are right for
everyone? No. Do I need another person telling me that? Of course not. I
KNOW. Of course you could just say, what the heck are you doing with that
Dr Pepper? I thought that stretches the pouch, or something. I mean, do
what you feel like doing, but think about the fact that while you may
intellectually understand about the surgery, you can't completely know
until you are on the other side. It's so much different after surgery, it's
not funny.
— LionGirl2k
March 20, 2003
Jen my wife had some issues as a new post op like not drinking enough
liquids and refusing to cut up chicken creating vomiting. I KNOW what had
to be done. The psych doxc whoi approved us ALL said leave her be. Well I
backed off at that point, and she gradually came around. Its was rough, in
jens case she ended up in the hospital on a IV and potassium. That hurt and
she began doing better.As much as I hate to agree with the others I would
let them be. Althougfh mentioning in a off handed way so and so didnt keep
up with their vitamins and ended up in the hospital the other day is
probably ok. At least that way you have a clear concioius if they end up
ill.
— bob-haller
March 20, 2003
Unless your sure they don't have a clue that they're doing it wrong, I'd
keep quiet. I also have a freind who knows all the "rules" but I
watch quietly as she breaks all of them. It didn't take long for her to pay
the price, as she gained 25 pounds back. Now she is trying to undo all the
bad habits. You, by following the rules, will do well and they will
eventually be watching you for guidance.
— ZZ S.
March 20, 2003
I think that the way that I ate pre op was sick and I would shut anyone
down who dared to say anything. It was denial and self preservation. I
think that the best thing to do for YOU is to learn from her mistakes and
make a commitment to yourself to stick to the post-op plan. I think that
anything you would say would just be stating the obvious. No matter what
that thing is that people tell themselves to make self destructive behavior
okay for the moment, somewhere inside they know exactly what they are
doing. Take care of yourself and be there for your friend when she needs
you. Good luck- it is really hard to watch someone be self destructive.
— Carol S.
March 21, 2003
Lindsay- first off, changing your food choices/habits is harder than it
looks; we are not perfect 100% of the time but then neither are the people
who DON'T need this surgery.... So until you are post-op (as the others
have said) just watch and learn and take care of Lindsay! You can make your
own choices, and they will make theirs. And if you are ever to the point
where you really WANT a Dr. Pepper, then you will understand where this
person is right now.... Kudos to those who "make better choices"
and can "pity" these people for such unwise ones- however, each
individual is different- and we shouldn't look down on those who are not
perfect. I assume your friends are adults are therefore responsible for
their own diet and upkeep. They can be responsible for the repercussions
as well. Any kind of intervention, I feel is almost a co-dependant act of
interference.
— Karen R.
March 21, 2003
Hi. This is just kind of re-iterating what a majority of the other posters
have said. I am almost 2 yrs post-op and at goal. I do eat bad choices at
times but I also exercise by running 5 miles a day 4xweek. So it balances
out. You dont know what they are doing. I wouldn't say anythign because it
seems that you know whats right/wrong and you should just follow your own
path and worry about yourself.
My 2 cents!
— M P.
March 21, 2003
Im 5 months and 6 days out. When I was between month 2 and 4 I had the
idea that since I dont dump I can eat whatever I want just smaller amounts.
Then at around 4 mo. I realized that I wasnt losing the weight I could
have been and I wasnt getting rid of my bad eating habits and I knew in the
long run that I was not going to be able to lose much or keep it off unless
I developed a plan. I realized that I will have to be on a diet the rest of
my life, I am going to have to do ALL the liquids and vits. I was going to
have to exercise. If I was going to lose the weight, I had to get a plan
and stick to it permanently. I started going to the postop support group
and I found a counselor to deal with my food issues, I do the liquid, the
vits, and the exercise....Im tired of being fat. The point is that when
she is ready, the realizations will hit her like they hit me. -83 lbs
— cherokey55
March 21, 2003
I don't anything should be said either. They may resent you if you do
because...well frankly you have no idea what it is like and have not had to
experience the cravings. I too have some habits like sipping on my
husbands pepsi once and a while. I drink milk a lot and that has sugar.
Some people say that is bad bad some docs say go for it. I am sure Dr.
Pepper is not on any diet plan for postops, however until the day you have
gone without something for over a year and just want it so bad, well it is
hard for you to understand. I know I am not perfect, and have yet to meet
anyone that is PO that is. We have choices to make, learn from the good
ones and the bad. Oh one more thing, not to be negative or anything, but
ya know I am sure they got enough crap about how they ate pre-op, I know I
did. Let us not judge eachother too harshly! **1 year PO, -195lbs **
— smedley200
March 21, 2003
I wouldn't say anything. You never know what people do or don't do day to
day. Maybe they have one "treat" a day or a week and that's what
you're seeing. I am the opposite. A lot of people come up to me and tell me
how healthy I eat and ask a lot of nutritional questions. I look at them
like they're crazy because I know that I don't ALWAYS eat right. Nobody
does! But they see me eating a lot of good things and not much junk food so
they think I always eat that way.<p>The first postop support group
meeting I attended I learned to keep my mouth shut and learn from other
people's mistakes. There was one woman in there (3 weeks post op) that only
wanted to know when she would be able to eat an ultimate cheeseburger. And
a guy (also 3 weeks out) that ate spoonfuls of sugar until he dumped to see
how much he could tolerate. I can only hope that things got better for
them. But I knew that I didn't go through all the pain and inconvenience of
surgery to put that crap in MY body at 3 weeks out! But that was my choice
to make just as it was their choice what to put in their bodies. Do what
you think is right. It won't BE right all the time, but I guarantee you it
will SEEM right at the time ("I really NEED those M&Ms!").
Just make more right choices than wrong ones and you'll be just fine.
— ctyst
March 21, 2003
Lindsay, early on they won't have consequences and will lose weight no
matter how they eat. Down the road, though, it will catch up with them and
they will be moaning about how they can't seem to lose anymore at just 6
months post-op or everyone else is losing faster than them...you know what
I mean. Its nice of you to worry about your friends, but the others are
right, that it is probably best to leave them alone. However, when you are
post-op and around them you will serve as an example of how to do it right,
and will probably have more successful weight loss and the ability to keep
it off then they will, as well as better long term health.
— Cindy R.
March 21, 2003
I am going to take a different approach. My surgeon does not require a diet
mentality following surgery. And for this, I am so thankful. I have been
able to eat whatever I can tolerate. I feel this has been the reason behind
my quick and long-lasting success. By not depriving myself, I am so free. I
no longer see foods as "good" or "bad" or feel guilty
for having them, as this only led to more eating pre-op. Many people
disagree with this approach and assume that I am doomed for failure, but I
am so glad that I have never had to count a fat gram, calorie, or
carbohydrate. My focus on food/eating/meals is gone. Since I know that I
can pretty much have what I want to eat with no guilt, I don't want those
things that were unhealthy for me pre-op. I am aware of course of what I
eat. I strive for high protein, but if I eat something that others consider
off-limits I do not feel the least bit guilty. I enjoy it!! I have really
enjoyed the volume control and malabsorption this tool gives me. These
coupled together have been perfect for me. Maybe your friend is enjoying
her freedom from dieting. I am!!!
— Shelley.
March 21, 2003
I agree TOTALLY with Shelley. For my self, my feeling is, when I
personally appoint some one as my "food polce" they may comment
on my choices. Other wise they can just mind their own business.
— **willow**
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