Question:
Do people treat you different?
I am about 2 1/2 months post-op and back to work for 2 weeks. Many of the people I work with have been treating me differently. They all know I had gastric bypass surgery. They almost act like they are going to "catch" something from me. Any one else have these problems and how do/did you handle? I work at a company that eating is part of our job descriptions and I think everyone is afraid to eat or mention food in front of me. I've had people ask me questions, which is better than talking behind my back, but then it is usually followed with the phrase "I feel so bad for you." Why, I don't feel bad for me, I feel great, I've lost almost 60 lbs and remember, this was my decision to do this. Thanks for everyone's help and advice! — Kathy *. (posted on February 20, 2004)
February 20, 2004
People can be so wierd...........I had people telling me they felt so bad
for me that I couldn't eat a HUGE thanksgiving meal or gorge myself on
desserts and then pass out on the couch. I told them thank you very
politely and that I felt better than I ever had in my life and no amount of
food, no matter how good, was worth losing that feeling. It generally shut
them up. I have had people apologize because I can't eat as much as they
do and I just assume they are being polite and tell them not to worry, I'm
quite satisfied. I'm five months out now so can eat a little more normally
so that kind of reaction has just about stopped. I still have about 40
pounds to lose and now I'm beginning to get comments about losing too much
or getting too skinny. I just let it roll off my back. It's my life, my
body, and my business.
— SCbabe B.
February 20, 2004
Why would anyone in their right mind feel "bad" for you. You have
just done the single best thing you will ever do for yourself in your life.
You should feel bad for them. What bothers me, sometimes, is that a very
good friend of mine, (all of my other very close friends were totally
supportive), has all but ignored the fact that I have lost 145 lbs, am
below the goal weight that even I set for myself, and look great. Jealousy?
Who knows.
— Steve B.
February 20, 2004
I work in a hospital and most of my co-worker know I had Gastric bypass
too. I do notice that they check to see what and how much I'm eating. Are
they waiting for me to fail oe what?
— Jodie S.
February 20, 2004
Maybe they just don't understand. When I was released from the hospital I
stayed with my parents for a week, and at first they felt really wierd
about eating anything in front of me, I had to reassure them that it didn't
phase me at all, and that I liked sitting down with them at dinner just to
talk even though I wasn't eating anything but a protein shake.
<br><br>So keep that in mind, they may be avoiding you since
they don't want to make you uncomfortable if they are eating or maybe even
just talking about food. One thing I have found nice is a lot of people
are talking about the south beach diet or atkins, which is a lot of how us
post ops eat, protein first, lower carbs, no sugar. When I tell people
that, they seem to not think its so strange after all.
— Patricia T.
February 20, 2004
I work in a doctors ofice, where our drug reps are always bringing in food
and candies. The people I work with all know I have had WLS, and will
offer me a nibble off their plates, but no one has ever appologized to me.
I do notice people in general treat me so much better, men hold the doors
and smile at me. I even had a guy at the gas station call me "Hey
beautiful" Never had anyone besides my boyfriend say that before. I
have also had patients at work ask me if I was new in the office....I
always laugh and tell them no, I have been here for 2 years. One patient
told me he was sorry he had never noticed me before, but now he can't help
it....he thinks I am beautiful. It is good to hear positive. As far as
people treating you different in a "negative" way.....it will
pass, and if it dosen't the good comment and treatment you'll receive will
make up for it!!!! Just figure those that are treating you odd now, are
just unsure of how to treat you. Maybe they don't know what to say or how
to act! Good luck to you and congrats on those 60 pounds gone!!!!
— jennap
February 20, 2004
I have been in the same situation, and I have found it very weird. It has
never bothered me to see others eat, not from day one. My husband used to
get really uncomfortable eating around me...he even told me once that I was
"staring" at him eating! If I was, I was not aware of it! I
think he was just having a hard time with the fact that I was eating so
little, and he was assuming that I <i>had</i> to be
experiencing plate envy! hahaha<br>
One of my sisters always has the family over Christmas Eve for gift
exchanging and snacks. This year, she also did the family Thanksgiving.
She called me before Thanksgiving and ask what I could eat. I told her to
prepare what she planned to prepare, and I could pick my food from what she
had. I ate a little turkey and a bite of stuffing. Just before Christmas,
she called and said that she was thinking of calling off our Christmas Eve
get together---said she felt so bad that I couldn't eat! I told her that I
felt wonderful and was proud that I couldn't eat, and she didn't
<b>dare</b> call off our plans! <br>
I think our families and friends just have a bit of trouble with us not
eating the way they have always seen us eat. My family was so thrilled
with the energy I have and my ability to stand and walk without an
assistive device, that they got caught up in the excitement of this....thus
focusing their attention to the positives and off the negatives. I helped
clean up after both these events--something I haven't been able to do in
about 7 years! I also cooked and brought a dish to both events, and in
both cases, it was something that I myself could not eat! It didn't bother
me to prepare it, and I was thrilled as always to see others enjoy it.
<br>
I too have a friend who has never acknowledged my 105 pound weight loss.
She has had a doctor recommend the surgery to her and she refuses to have
it done. I think she has a mixture of jealousy and anger at herself...she
could have lost this much or more if she had surgery when her doctor first
started pushing her to do so. I feel bad for her, but this is something
she will have to work through on her own. If she ever decides to have
surgery, I will be as supportive as possible and help her any way I can. I
will support <i>whatever</i> decision she makes, and make
myself remember that what she does is strictly her decision.<br>
I too am a nurse, and I know about the food feasts at work you folks are
talking about. I think a lot of the gawking at what we eat is simply
curosity.....she (he) got rid of part of her stomach and guts..what
<b>can</b> she eat now???? I think we health professionals
also get very jaded...we expect folks NOT to comply with their medical
regime. Again, we are curious...exactly how long will she
"stick" to this? When will she "blow it"? Just a down
side of the human condition, I'm afraid. It has helped me a lot to learn
not to be so thin-skinned. I refuse to let others words or actions affect
me. I know how much better I feel, how much more rewarding life is
now....no one can take that away from me. If I never lose another pound, I
am so grateful for what I have lost. I am grateful for the improvement in
my health and my renewed independence! My surgery was my decision. I
didn't ask anyone's input BEFORE surgery, and I don't want or need it now!
They're all entitled to their opinions but I'll tell anyone in a heartbeat
that I am happy with my decision and my results. If they have problems
with it, they just have to learn to deal with it! Myself, I'm too busy
being happy!
— Linda S.
February 20, 2004
Oh yes I get treated different. When I first had my WLS, my family wouldnt
eat in front of me but would watch every bite I took. At work the
treatment ranged from disgust, "How could she do THAT???" to
"Way to go girl!!" I lost friendships but gained new REAL
friendships. And the MEN. They are the worst. I've worked at the same
company for 15 years and guys that saw me every day but never spoke now
know my name, say hello and tell me I look great. I dont get mad because
it is human nature to act like that but I'm glad that now I'm 15 months out
the drama isnt so bad. Folks have moved on to talk about someone else now.
Which is great because I'm finally just a "normal" person. Hang
in there and best of luck to you. ~Sidney~ Open RNY 10-23-02 down 130+ and
below goal
— Siddy I.
February 20, 2004
I am a nurse, and yes we have a lot of food at work. I do day and night
shifts and the night shift people often order food from somewhere for
dinner. They all know I had the surgery as I have been very open about it.
At first everyone was very curious about what/how much I could eat. I am
almost 8 months out now so the curiosity has died down quite a bit. They
are always very nice and will ask me when they order out if I want to order
anything. I always say no because I can eat so little even now it is not
worth it to me to pay for a whole meal unless I want to eat the same thing
for days in a row!
I have lost 105 pounds, and now I get comments like "When are you
going to stop losing?" "If you don't quit losing weight you are
going to blow away!" Trust me that is hardly likely! I am not too
skinny, I still want to lose 10 to 15 pounds, but compared to where I
started at I look very skinny to everyone now. Some people are upset that I
now weigh less than they do, but overall everyone has been very supportive.
I did this for my health, not to compete with anyone else!
— DebT
February 21, 2004
Hi there, Kathy! I have to agree with the first Linda. None of the
friends that know about this ever said anything like that to me, but 2 of
my brothers did. I think some humans have a tendency to think if we can't
love to eat EVERYTHING on our plate, then there is something wrong with
us. I know for me, when I decided to have WLS and coming from an
Italian/Spanish family that enjoyed eating all that we could, I knew I
would have to change my "Relationship", my obsession with food,
some may not understand that we can still enjoy all sorts of foods, just
not in the quantity that everyone else does. As I'm sure you're aware,
just keep telling them what you have, that you don't feel sorry for
yourself. That's how I would handle it. Vi. open RNY 9/23/02 down 144
lbs.
— Vi F.
February 21, 2004
I have my own theory on this problem. There is so much negativity
surrounding this surgery that people just expect that it will not work.
Any time you hear about it on the news it's about people not surviving the
surgery or how extreme this is and why people would want to do this. They
never show the success stories and how people lose weight and are able to
live and do things that they couldn't do when they were heavy. You get
looked at as a lazy person when your fat and than you get looked at as a
crazy person when you do this surgery. No matter what society will always
be judgemental and try to be negative even in the positivity.
[email protected]
— Kelly T.
February 21, 2004
I am just recently post-op ( 9 days) and I was talking to my sister, who
has always been thin ( about 120-125 lbs 5'5)
all her life, and she asked me "What weight would you like to get down
to?". I said "I think about 130ish would be great for me".
She actually gasped and said in a snotty tone "That means I'll only
weigh 5 lbs less than you". Point to this story is that I believe and
have always believed that even though the people in our lives love us it is
easier for them to keep us as we are...FAT!! This is a subconcious way for
them to feel more accomplished and superior to us. It will force my sister
to re-evaluate her own life and worth, and people are notoriously afraid to
turn the spotlight on themselves. It has the sentiment of "Well at
least I'm not fat like her". I don't think people intentionally do it,
it is just so ingrained in our society that overweight people are lazy,
unmotivated, etc. Incidentally, I told my sister after her gasp and
comment, "Great, now we can share clothes"! I think that almost
sent her over the edge.
— Tara J.
February 21, 2004
I am very luck to have 5 other people in my family have WLS. Everyone I
work with is very supportive. I am fortunate in that way. My mon tends to
be very critical though. I was sying the ohter day how I still get sick on
occassion and she says "I don't know what your problem is, no one else
gets sick like you do." You know that tone that mothers can get.
grrrr, it is annoying.
— [Deactivated Member]
February 22, 2004
I've had people treat me differently, but it's been the absolute opposite
of your experience!! People who never gave me the time of day, now want to
talk to me and be my friend. I've been at goal weight for a year and a
half. I get the feeling they must have thought that being fat was
contagious!!
— Patty H.
February 22, 2004
I think the poster that said people only know from the negative stories
that are out there may be right on. Besides there being alot of myth out
there, there are always the normal weighted people who in their blissful
ignorance, truly believe that we took the easy way out. And human nature,
we tend to push away that which we do not understand or that which is
"different". What you have had occur at work is one reason why I
did not share my surgery with anyone at work.
— Cindy R.
February 23, 2004
I'm over 5 months post-op myself, and I still get people asking me
"how are you?", "are you feeling OK?" like they think
I'm going to collapse real soon or something! I think they are still
surprised when they find I can eat normal food (for the most part), and am
living a normal, just thinner, life! I think there has been no much
negative press about WLS that people just automatically think you will have
major problems. It's nice to be able to show them that isn't the case. I
think my family members felt bad for me in the beginning when I couldn't
eat much at all, but it's all worked itself out now. I never really felt
bad or mourned food very much. When people ask me how I am, I usually say
that I feel better than I have in years - and that's the truth!
— Carlita
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