Question:
Am I Wrong\ havent told fiance I had WLS

I am engaged and I have never told my fiance' I've had weight loss surgery. I told him I've lost weight and he knows I've had plastic surgery to remove skin because of the weight loss. He was with me during my last plastic surgery. He knows I have implants because of so much weight loss. He knows I've had surgery on my stomach because he sees the scar and I also talk about it. I'll say after my surgery, but I don't say weight loss surgery. He knows I've been fat because he sees the stretch marks, some pictures and I talk about it a lot. He knows I'm supposed to limit sugar and about my dietary supplements. I don't hide any of that from him, I just find it hard to come out and say I've had weight loss surgery. The other day I read a book by Dr. Laura about stupid things couples do to mess up their relationships and the first was keeping stupid secrets. It made me feel guilty. I do want him to know. I know he would not leave me if he did know. I just don't want to make a big production over it and also to be honest, I do find it hard to tell him. Any advice or opinions? Is my not telling him wrong?    — Gay S. (posted on November 12, 2004)

November 12, 2004
My guess is he probably already knows and it's no big deal so he hasn't mentioned it. I wouldn't worry so much. If you have been as open as you sound, how could he not know?
   — Angela T.

November 12, 2004
Regardless if he already has figured it out or not, it is totally direspectful to not trust him with the truth. I met my husband a little over 1 yr ago. We met through Yahoo Personals and before I would even meet him face-to-face I told him about my surgery and gave him the link to my profile on this site. I was not going to waste my time with someone who could not deal with the choices I had made. Iy was no big deal to him, but it was important to me that he know. I could not imagine marrying him with a huge secret like that looming over us. It is NOTHING to be ashamed about. You realized you needed help to win the battle of obesity and you sought it out. If I was him I'd be ticked that you did not feel you could trust him enough to tell him. My guess is he will say he figured it out a long time ago, but it gets rid of large barrier. Obviously it is bothering you or you would not be asking about it. If necessary send him a card or even an e-mail and just say I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I had WLS, and I wanted to get it out in the open before we got marriend. He may have some questions related to long term health etc, that need to be answered. Please do the right thing and do it now before it ends up destroying your relationship!
   — zoedogcbr

November 12, 2004
Thank you for your opinion Chris, but I don't think that telling someone I had weight loss surgery up front is something that is necessary any more than I think its necessary to tell them I have had breast implants. Its something I've had done, but it is not who I am. I agree with the first poster that if he knows anything about this surgery then he should have already guessed. I've made statement that because of my surgery I malabsorb calories. I've just never come out and said the words "weight loss surgery." He is not very inquisitive and I don't want to make it a big deal by sending an email or acting as if its something I've been holding back on telling him. Weight loss surgery is not who I am and I don't want to be defined like that. Its less about him and more about me. I can't seem to come out and say those three words. Maybe I'm making more out of this then it needs to be, but Dr. Laura's book got me thinking.
   — Gay S.

November 12, 2004
Thanks, Gay and Angela! You were both right. He knew and it was no big deal. Right after I posted my last message, I IMed him and started a conversations about my blood levels, then I asked "You know I've had weight loss surgery, don't you?" then I pressed send before I could stop myself. He said "yeah." So, its over and a big weight is off of my mind! I'm not going to ask how long he knew or if he felt I was hiding anything for him. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Months of stress has been alleviated after only a few hours of my posting this message. Thanks, both of you!
   — Gay S.

November 12, 2004
Gay, I never meant to imply that YOU needed to tell him before you met him, that is how I personally needed to handle it. Some guys think once fat, always fat and I wasn't interested in that sort of guy. My whole life isn't about WLS either, but if he had was grossed by the thought of me being large again then he needed to decide if he wanted to pursue the relationship or not. I made it clear that I would never promise him that I would not gain wt, or gain a lot or not weigh over 400 lbs again, but I did say that for the first time in my life I felt I had a tool to help me achieve a healthy normal weight and not have everything I did in life be controlled by being 442 lbs and SMO. I meant to get across that not telling him ever wasn't going to work for you either. it's too big a secret. I'm glad he knows and is fine with it and you have that gone from your worries and can focus on your engagement. When are you planning to get married? Our wedding was 2 weeks ago, Oct. 24th, on a beautiful fall Sunday. I hope your day is just as wonderful when it comes.
   — zoedogcbr

November 13, 2004
If a potential partner will be afraid that you may regain weight and be obese again, then that fear would be there no matter how you lost the weight. If anything, the risk of regain is higher than those who lost it through weight loss surgery. No person can make a guarantee to another that they will not gain weight in the future. Women who have been thin all their lives often gain weight after marriage and pregnancy. Should we as weight loss surgery patients have to give the signficant other in our lives guarantees over what will happen in the future more than normal"thin" men/women have to? To me, if weight loss surgery is something that one needs to "admit" to its almost as if there is something shameful about it. It's not like having an STD. I think we make more of it then most people do and I think a lot of that is just a lot of leftover shame we felt when we were obese.
   — Gay S.

November 13, 2004
Sorry, Chris. I forgot to say my wedding will be in April 2005; however we live together now. I want to go through premarital counseling before marriage.
   — Gay S.

November 13, 2004
First, I'd like to say CONGRATS Gay, and many happy wishes for you. Second, and it's just MY opinion, when it comes to telling a significant other about the surgery, I really don't think it's about admitting to someone that you've had surgery (collective you, not you Gay in particular. Think of this scenario: what if you've been in an accident, or something happened to render you unconscious, and your significant other needs to give your medical history, and does not know about the surgery, what happens if they need to pump your stomach or put any kind of tube down and they don't know about the surgery? I can see serious damage happening. Okay, maybe it's not a probable occurance, but, as I've found out in life, ya just never know. Personally, I feel that anyone who is that close has the right to know, more for medical reasons than anything else. ::shrug:: hugs for all.
   — KellyJeanB

November 14, 2004
I think you're being silly! I'm sure he already knows what surgery you've had without actually having to say it. Anyway, I tell people all the time I had the surgery. Hell, I'm pround of my accomplishment no matter how I did it. I've lost 105 pounds in 8 months! It's not how you lost the weight it's simply the fact that you took your health and your future into your own hands and did something about it. Just tell him...You'll feel much better.
   — Michelle H.

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