Question:
help hubby making not so nice comments after I have lost 105#'s
My hubby has said to me that I don't have to wear tight jeans all the time. And my jeans aren't tight. Then he tells me he is sick and tired of hearing people comment how much I have lost and how good I look. This is really hurting my feelings. He is sch for the wls June 3rd. — joann B. (posted on May 9, 2003)
May 8, 2003
So you had WLS first? He is following along reluctantly? That described me
and Jen my wife. I went first, she drug her feet, then got a bit upset
watching me do well and get healthier. Plus she was dealing with the loss
of her eating buddy, ME. It fixes itself once the spouse has had surgery.
Dont fret, it will come out great. There are as many social and
realtionship changes from WLS as physical ones. You just have to be
patient.
— bob-haller
May 8, 2003
How do you spell "Jealous"! You have several avenues you can go.
One is to wait it out. Another is to dump him and add several more pounds
to your total of weight loss *LOL* gawd.. Sorry he's being this way but I
think he's really jealous and when he goes through this surgery then you
may become closer. I would be curious to know what the percentage of
Broken Marriages are over this weight loss surgery though. I am sure many
have stuck in unhappy marriages in the past due to feeling unworthy of
finding greater happiness with others, the ole "nobody would like me
the way I look feeling". You know in your heart what you look like
and feel and how wonderful the compliments are. Paste a big smile on your
face, you should be congratulated and when he says anything else count to
"ten"...Hope things get better what ever way you go. *hugs*
— WLS_Deb
May 8, 2003
My husband said something similar. My husband is a work-out-aholic and
always in shape, so this is coming from a different angle, but I believe
that the root of this is insecurity nontheless. He wears a 32 Levi, and
when I was able to squeeze into them one day, I was so excited. I was
happy just to be able to pull them up, AND zip them. Yes, they were tight,
but I wasn't planning on wearing them...YET, and instead of saying,
"WOW! Great job honey, you are doing GREAT!!", he says, "I
don't like tight jeans on women". My heart dropped to the floor. I
was so hurt. But I have chalked it up to insecurity, and thats his prob,
not mine. Your husband sounds like he has a little insecurity himself.
Just don't listen to him! You keep your head up and doing what you are
doing! I bet you look fantastic! Oh, and BTW, his 32's are loose now.
He's coming back from Iraq next week, maybe I'll strut my stuff in HIS
LEVI'S!!:~)
— Cheri M.
May 8, 2003
Joann, first off let me say CONGRATULATIONS!!! On your
105lb weight loss!! That's great! I've lost the same amount to date, so I
know how exciting and exhilerating(sp) it can be. Ya know, I'm somewhat
reluctant to say anything for fear that what I say will be misunderstood,
but, here goes...You have made a tremendous decision in your life to even
have this surgery. It took great courage for you to do that...especially
having to face the pre-op *possibilities* of infection, blood loss, death,
yada,yada,yada...You were empowered with the research information provided
by the AMOS community (our sisters and brothers on this website) and YOU
took the bull by the horns and said" I'm doing this for me because I
want to live, I'm tired of the pain, discrimination, etc". I'm PROUD
of you!! I'm sorry to hear how your hubby is/has been reacting towards the
new attention tou are getting. Now, for him, the real issue is not that you
wear what he considers "tight jeans all of the time", the REAL
issue is that he, quite frankly, is disgusted, hurt, and maybe even feeling
a little low self-esteem himself right now because you are receiving
attention and positive compliments about your weight loss, and I must say,
"WE" are looking a whole lot better these days *smiles*. I've
done a complete "about face" myself as far as my friends and
co-workers are concerned. I think give him some time. Communicate with him
positively, listen to what he is REALLY saying. Sometimes we can get the
wrong perception...I hope I don't get flamed for saying that, but it's
true. Sometimes one person or the other has "issues" that need to
be dealt with, and they get things all messed up in the head and oftentimes
it comes out wrong...Trust me, I've been there and done that. Let him know,
in a sweet, prayful way that what he said hurt your feelings. How would he
like it if you said that to him? Geesh! He's even scheduled for WLS June
3rd and talking that kind of talk? Girlfriend, let him know that he will
see how much better he'll feel, physically, mentally AND emotionally...and
you are growing, Joann, don't come back at him with anything
negative~you're better than that. Your'e hurting because of what you feel
was a rude comment(s), and he's hurting because of what sounds like some
emotional issues and self esteem, etc. Come together, embrace him, let him
know you love him and will be there for him. The main thing is letting him
know how what he said hurt you...I believe with all my heart, eventually he
will come around. Well, sorry for ramblin', but it was in my heart. I hope
this helps you in some small way. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to
speak with a counselor (as a couple) also...Just my thoughts. Hang in
there, sweetie. AMOS is here! LAP RNY 9/3/02 265/160/115
Hadiyah McCutcheon, a.k.a.~~~
— yourdivaness
May 8, 2003
I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with your husband - what the other
posters say may be true. It has also occurred to me that maybe he's just
plain scared, and taking it out on you. Scared of what, the surgery? Maybe.
But maybe even moreso scared of it not working for him as it has for you
(been there, done that - I certainly had fears pre-op, and still some
postop, that I would be the one person it didn't "work" for).
Then where does that leave him? Perhaps he's afraid of losing you, or
losing the relationship, losing the life he's known, or that you'll
discover that you don't want HIM anymore now that you've lost weight...
There is much to find frightening in this life-altering decision besides
just the surgical act itself, and the enforced diet changes. That doesn't
excuse his being nasty to you and saying hurtful things, but it might
explain them. Whatever his reasons, I hope that you all can work it out and
continue on this journey together. Let us know how it goes!
— johanniter
May 8, 2003
Your hubby is going to have this surgery too? May I suggest that he's
feeling a little low about himself because he isn't among the loosing yet?
Sit down, just the two of you...and have a talk. Without getting upset at
what he says...ask him what's wrong. Perhaps he'll tell you exactly why
he's being like he is. Try to avoid the old comment "Why can't you be
happy for me?" because, as I've learned the hard way...that's a great
way to start a fight. Talk this out with him. Tell him that what he says
hurts your feelings. Tell him how you are feeling about your weight
loss...and remind him that one day he'll be loosing with you and there is
no way you to express to him how great he's going to feel. Then, after his
surgery...you be the most supportive women you can be. Join a gym
together...take a low-fat cooking class together...something to bond over
beside the surgery itself.
— Renee B.
May 9, 2003
Both my boyfriend and I have done this surgery. He has lost a lot of
weight and so have I. I have been feeling really good about myself; More
than ever before. I look good and everyone is always telling me I do.
However, my problem is that my boyfriend does not like me getting
compliments from others. He shuns at them and tells them that I am the
same person I was before. But I am not! I believe it is jealousy because
a woman is going to get more noticed than a man. He hates it sooooo much
that we always argue. I am at my wits end. I really hope your situation
gets better because I really doubt mine ever will...... HANG IN THERE!
— Regina C.
May 9, 2003
Joann, try to go easy on him...he must have weight issues, too, as he is
having surgery also. My husband is overweight, and I think any comments I
get feel like a slap in the face to him. He has made food changes and is
joining a gym with me, but he obviously is losing weight slower than I am.
I know he gets discouraged. Just wait until your husband starts losing
weight and getting comments - he'll feel better about himself. At that
point, let him enjoy the spotlight and have it all to himself - you may
start realizing how he felt during your great success. Good luck to both
of you!
— vittycat
May 9, 2003
Joann, you mention that hubby does not like to hear people comment about
how good you look, but has he complimented you at all? Has your husband
expressed how good you look? If he hasn't, I would approach it that way
with him. Talk to him about how much his feelings mean to you and that
receiving compliments from him mean the most to you. I agree with the
others that he is probably just scared and jealous at this point and
hopefully a year after his surgery, he will totally understand where you
are today.
— Cindy R.
May 9, 2003
I guess I would thank him for showing me how to treat him after his WLS.
What shi# is good for one person, is good to dish back. (I've turned the
other cheek to many years and I now give even better than I get). I'm with
the other poster... lose the slob and you'll lose so much more weight.
— Danmark
May 9, 2003
Just ignore him for now (I know it's difficult). Maybe he's just
struggling internally with his own feelings of being huge and ugly and no
one telling him he's pretty ... seriously. I know I kept thinking and
telling myself, "I'm getting bigger every second of every day, you fat
piece of you-know-what..." pre-surgery. Maybe he's struggling with
that, too (although he'll never admit it, so don't even TRY to talk about
it). He'll be fine after he loses 50 lbs. And you'll live happily ever
after!! Good luck. Tune his negativity out, remember where it's coming
from...his fear.
— msmaryk
May 9, 2003
I guess I'd be examining this relationship's history very closely. prior
to your surgery, was he a supportive spouse? Did you have things in common
and treat each other with respect? If the answer is yes, then I'd agree
with many posters that it's jealousy, insecurity or a host of other issues
that he's having trouble dealing with and is taking them out on the person
he loves the most. If however, he's never been a supportive spouse (a
friend to you really), has always been negative and nasty then I'd ask what
are you waiting for? Congrats on your magnificent weight-loss!
— [Deactivated Member]
May 9, 2003
Joann, you are so pretty (and I bet that is your before picture). I think
your DH is threatened by the attention you must be getting. I can
identify. My boyfriend, who I live with, told me last night he
"wishes I wouldn't wear 'those shoes' so often" - the 4 inch high
heels with the strap around the ankle that make my legs look so good. It's
a bigger issue. He also calls my sweatpants (an 18!) my "hoochie mama
pants" and "why do I always have to wear them to the gym".
I have dropped 56 pounds in only 12 weeks and he has started becoming very
secretive about where he is going, how long he will be gone, etc etc, but
the other night I went to aerobics and then the mall to buy my mom a
mother's day gift and he was all nasty to me when I came home at 10 pm.
Like I need a curfew! AND, the kicker is, I told him in advance what my
plans were. He is not overweight at all, but the bottom line is this - if
he feels you are looking better and more confident, he may worry he is
losing you. Do you go out more often? Find yourself more social? Take
better care of yourself? Reduced the number of hours you spend eating
together? All of these things may lead him to feel you are slipping away.
Personally, I don't have enough invested in this relationship to care about
someone else's reaction to my self improvement. I put myself first for the
first time in my life and - Dammit! it feels great! - and I am not going
to let someone else slow down my progress. But if you want to save your
marriage, sit down with him and tell him his opinion matters to you, this
is what he can expect from you, ask him if he can deal with it, and plan
accordingly. Good luck and what a fabulous new you!
(start 282/current 226/goal 150)
— RedHeadBeauty
May 10, 2003
I think he's feeling a little jealous. But he'll just have to get over it.
Enjoy your weight and enjout the compliments. I only lost 75+ and as soon
as I was able to squeeze into my tight a** jeans I haven't stopped wearing
them. More power to tight a** jeans!! I love them! Wear them with pride!
Best wishes:)!
— Kimmie C.
May 10, 2003
i know what i want to say, but it is so hard to word. some people who don't
feel so good about themselves get into relationships with other people who
don't feel good about themselves. by you feeling better about yourself, he
might be feeling worse about himself. the only advice i can give is be very
loving to him and let him know you still love him for him. then after you
reassure him of that..........tell him that he can keep is funky comments
to himself. that you love him and that is why his comments hurt you so
much. that if you didn't care about him that you wouldn't feel so hurt and
that the one person who is supposed to be on your side is trying to tear
you down. let him know that you spent so much time feeling bad about
yourself and worrying about how other people saw you. and while you are in
the loosing stage that it is not only nice to hear others talk about your
weightloss it is supportive too. just make sure that every conversation
that you have with other people isn't about wls.......he just might be sick
to death of hearing the same conversation over and over. good luck
— franbvan
May 12, 2003
Congrats on your loss--sounds like you're doing fabulously. Probably my
whole answer should be prefaced with: I have a fairly low crap-taking
tolerance, since I've survived on abusive relationship a decade ago. So,
don't take offense. This is such a charged question. I think, however,
that the even *bigger* question is: is this an isolated incident (if so,
then it's forgivable, so long as it's not a new lifestyle for him), or is
it just one more attack in a stream of verbal abuse? Unless this is just
an isolated incident (and by isolated, I mean just this once), then I would
be seriously examining your relationship & possibly deciding between
family counseling or just moving on. I honestly don't care if he's jealous
or scared or what-have-you--if one of emotions those is the case, he needs
a to find a different outlet for his frustrations. Good luck to you.
— Laurie A.
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