Question:
Please tell in detail the negative ways some people have reacted to your weight loss...
Hi! I am 14.5 weeks out and have lost about 60lbs. I fully expected that there would be some support for my efforts and some mixed or hostile responses,and I was right. There are coworkers who tell their buddies in other departments to come take a look, but who never say anything to me...people who used to encourage me to follow their methods of staying slim (in front of a crowded office), people who make sure to pipe up and explain "She had SURGERY!" if a 3rd person notices the change....people who ask me hopefully if my large breasts are shrinking, too, or (ALSO HOPEFULLY)if I have vomiting and so on, as others they've heard about have...people who tell me about the alleged sex-deprived woman who had the surgery and went so sex-crazed she became wildly promiscuous "humped a table" in the office to demonstrate her technique and was fired...on and on. The former buddy who herself had VBG many years ago and struggles repeatedly with 30-40 lbs, who was so supportive pre-op, now has cooled off considerably--doesn't want to go to support groups with me, etc.. The worst, outside of my family, is the woman who painted herself as my (extremely saccharin-sweet) biggest supporter PRE-weight loss, who was shocked (but pretended to be happy for me, natch) when I announced my WLS, and now avoids me completely, and seems VERY uncomfortable when we happen to meet....There's more, but I want to hear YOUR stories, so I'll see I'm not alone. I'm feeling very alone right now; true to form my family is also fading away fast, as they always did when I managed to lose the weight in the past. How did you cope with the betrayals and so-called friends turning on you, etc.? P.S. If you've lost enough weight to experience this, congratulations are in order, aren't they? Good for you, and me, and to hell with them.---Jesse — Jesse M. (posted on May 19, 2001)
May 19, 2001
I'm so sorry to hear you aren't getting much support out there, especially
from family. This is the time where you should be feeling really good
about your loss. Please know that whenever you need some positive
reinforcement, we are all here with you. We DO deserve kudos. Ultimately,
there is no greater satisfaction that knowing that within ourselves.
— danirat
May 19, 2001
Honey, their jealous of you, I my self am very proud of you. My consult
date is June 4th and I can't wait. I think you made a decision for a
happier, healthy life. Hang in there your true friends will shine thru,
family members will come around soon, it's a big change for them too.
[email protected]
— patricia P.
May 19, 2001
Jesse,
I don't think I know quite as many people as you, but I certainly have had
similar experiences with a few "friends"..one is a nurse that
trys to make me feel like I could get a deadly infection any day and die
from this surgery...of course, she wasn't supportive to start with, so I'm
not too surprised by that. Others act as though I haven't lost an ounce
and don't say a word (down 73 pounds and counting now)and still another has
stopped talking to me altogether (she started her "diet" around
the time when I had the surgery..she hasn't lost anything yet)...and even
my husband and kids act like it's no big deal. I guess I was hoping that
people would be as excited as I am, but they're not. That's when I remind
myself that I really did do this just for me. I look great, I feel great,
and to heck with anyone that doesn't want to support me. It sounds selfish,
but It's the only way I've learned to deal with it. Congratulations to you
and your weightloss, we're all very proud of you!
— Marnie K.
May 19, 2001
I'm still preop myself, but I already know there will be obstacles to tick
me off once I lose a significant amount of weight. I've done enough
yo-yoing prior years to know how people are treat you pre & post of
loosing weight. And I'm experiencing it already. Just listening to everyone
or seeing everyone's reaction when I say I going thru with this surgery is
really working on my nerves now. I'm not telling any more new people about
it. People are reacting like I'm offering myself as a science project to be
the 1st cloned human. It's incredibly unblievable how close minded &
ignorant people are in this new century we're all living in, towards this
surgery that has been around since the 60's. And I am sure each person
going thru this surgery will experience this discrimination at one time or
other if they haven't already. That is why websites and local support
groups are sooo important. I don't know what I would do without this
website, where we can all come together and share like this. I come here
daily. It's important to get it out, at least for me it is, because I
really, really, really do not want to become hard hearted towards everyone,
or put walls up. I think the thing that is really going to make me mad is
how people now ignore me like I don't even exist or I'm invisable because
of my looks, and I just know once my weight is down to a normal weight,
I'll be acceptible to them. Well all I can say, is that I am doing this
surgery for ME and ME ONLY! I look at it as a whole new beginning, and as
far as I am concerned, that can even mean all NEW circles of friends, and
maybe even a NEW EMPLOYER! I'm starting over. But I won't keep close
company with the kind of people that are treating you & me like they
are right now. It will be up to us to set new standards, and to give other
obese people whether they choose WLS or not, our complete love &
support in front of all those others that haven't got a clue how to act
like a good human being. I guess its the society we live in. When its sooo
acceptible to get breast implants and cosmetic surgery to look sexier, but
its a freak thing to have surgery to help an obese person live a healthier
and longer life. I really hope things work out for you, you absolutely
deserve it. And don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. Move on and move
ahead, and start a whole new life. Let the others behind if you have to.
It's their loss...not yours! Email me if you need a friend!
[email protected]
— Karla K.
May 19, 2001
HUGS....I'm sorry you are going through so much with your fantastic
success. Finding out who really supports you and who is false must be
hard. I know one of them most negative moments that stick out in my mind
happened at Easter in our former town. We went there to visit family and
attend church services and I was really bowled over at how much attention
and compliments I was recieving. To tell you the truth, I was
uncomfortable with it as I felt like a circus freak show. Well, I have a
rather vicious sister in law who knows that I had surgery and when I was in
the hallway I overheard her whispering to a lady in a very condescending
voice, "I don't know WHY everyone is going to ape over her...after
all, she had to have SURGERY to do it." I was so hurt and so angry.
It never was a secret and I tell everyone, but at that very moment for just
a few seconds I actually felt BAD that I had to have surgery to do this.
Then my anger set in and I realized that she's just a very bitter woman
with nothing better to do than hurt other's and undermine them. Those that
know me and care for me are really happy about my success and ask me often
how I'm feeling or tell me I look skinnier since they last saw me..everyone
else can go to blazes. HUGS to you and hold your chin up high. It took
alot of courage to willingly put yourself under the surgeon's knife and
forever alter the way you treat and think of food. HUGS again :) A friend,
— Jo C.
May 19, 2001
Hi Jesse: I've been one of the lucky ones that have had almost 100%
support from anyone who matters to me. Probably because I eliminated a lot
of negative people from my inner circle before I had surgery. My
sister-in-law, a nurse who would just qualify for WLS, was not supportive
in the beginning, but is now. My ex, a surgical assistant with experience
doing Open RNY on cancer and ulcer patients, told me that I would get
abdominal adhesions and blow my knees out anyway because I would be more
active. Now, he is telling me how great I look every time he sees me. One
person asked me very innocently if I could have done more exercise and diet
instead and allowed me to educate her on the disease. I do find, however,
that the compliments are tapering off - probably because my family and
friends are getting used to me losing so much weight and just can't think
of much else to say! Then there are people I haven't told - because they
have said negative things about me in the past, so I didn't feel obligated
to share my WLS with them. The clerks at the stores I frequent have been
the kindest. One young lady told me I just keep getting prettier and
prettier. I told her about WLS and she was nearly in tears because she is
about 60 lbs. overweight and said she is almost tempted to gain enough to
qualify. I felt so bad for her, because she is not only young (25), but
she is also persuing a modeling contract! Yet, with all that wonderful
reinforcement about how pretty she is, she still couldn't see beyond her
own weight. Anyhow, I'm so sorry you have so many boorish people in your
life! What a difference it makes to have unconditional support...but
that's what we're here for, Jesse! Good luck and God Bless!
— Allie B.
May 19, 2001
My mother, who has nearly always been overweight or obese, and one of my
brothers, who is a naturally skinny person (and has tried for a lifetime to
put weight <B>on</B>), can be difficult. Neither one ever
acknowledges my losses. For my mother, I honestly think she's jealous. I
also love my job, for example, while she hates hers, and she has never been
particularly thrilled that I have a great job. My brother, on the other
hand, is just a fat-phobe twit. When his girlfriend
"accidentally" got pregnant, she gained a <B>lot</B>
of weight. She's taken a fair amount off, but she's nowhere near the size
10 she was (at 6' tall, no less) when they started dating. Sometimes I
think my brother is irritated because I, who have been fat all my life, am
succeeding in losing the weight, while his girlfriend, who didn't have any
problems until her late teens, is struggling. So he chooses not to
acknowledge the strides I've made rather than completely face the fact that
he, Mr. Thin-Dates-Supermodel-Types-Studmuffin, now lives with the fattest
person in our somewhat extended family. Apparently his step sister (not in
any way related to me) had the surgery a few years back and is doing great,
but he isn't supportive of her, either. I also have a very close friend who
is obese, and although he acknowledges my success, he is also in denial
about his own problem, something I never really noticed before. I think he
might be jealous, as well, and that makes me kind of sad.
<P>On the other hand, my oldest brother, the above-mentioned
girlfriend, and all my other friends and co-workers have been marvelous.
Couple that with my own feelings about myself, and the negatives aren't a
big deal any more.
<P>You're doing great, and don't let <B>anyone</B> make
you think otherwise. Screw 'em. ;^)
— Suzanne B.
May 19, 2001
Hi Jesse,
Several years ago I looked into having this surgery, and I was shot down by
everyone I loved. My one sister told me it would be an abomination to do
such a thing to my body. So I listened to them and dropped it. Now it has
been over 3 years, and I have added an additional 50lbs to my already
stressed body. This time, I announced that I am having the surgery. I
asked for no opinions, because they just don't matter. When I lay down at
night and close my eyes, it's only me, and I am the only one that matters.
I am so bad at this point, that I love telling people that I KNOW it will
get upset. I feel so empowered, and so should you. You have done the
bravest thing you could possibly do. You have changed your life. I doubt
many of them would choose to do such a scary thing if they had the choice.
So go to bed tonite, and smile to yourself, remember it's all about you.
God bless. Janet
— Janet W.
May 19, 2001
It is sad to me that a person's size, thin or fat, is cause for anyone to
take notice. However, I am someone who took a lot of stuff from some
people when I was fat because I could neither 'fight nor flight', and
because I was desparate to be liked. I overcompensated for the
inconvienience of them having to look upon my ugly self. In playing out a
rather wacked out teenage drama-trauma, I was grateful that they felt sorry
for me, when in fact, I should have had a better self esteem. As I have
lost weight, I dumped a close friend who was verbally abusive, yet had
stood by me for having surgery. See, I finally saw that what he really
wanted was to 'fix' what was wrong with me. Now, yes, surgery has helped
me lose weight, but, there was nothing 'wrong' with me. I corrected a
medical condition of medical obesity, but we fat folks have got the
condition of being fat tied up emotionally with there is something wrong
about us on the inside too. And as long as I bought into that paradigm,
there was no place for me to have any healthy self esteem, fat or thin.
So, I dumped him. We are now acquaintances, not friends. And, I have a
dear girlfriend who is very vain and jealous. As long as I am not very
good looking and not 'competition', we will likely be friends. However, as
I get better looking, I suspect she is going to become threatened. Given I
like her and value her friendship, despite those things that make her
oh-so-human, I am likely to go out of my way to make sure she knows she is
still the 'alpha female' in the looks department. Hope this helps answer
your question in some way...
— merri B.
May 19, 2001
The worst experience I have had yet came from a patient at work. I am an
RN, and one of the doctors I work for is a STRONG advocate of the surgery
now. He went in the room of this patient, who weighed 288lbs. He told her
how this weight would affect her later, how its a disease, and how there
are other options besides the typical WW and Richard Simmons. He then
told her about me, and how much healthier I am living...all this while I
stand there and try to be invisible. He leaves the room and the patient,
who was ever so sweet while he was standing there got NASTY!! She told me
that this was a cop out, that I in no way deserve credit for losing weight
when it wasnt my doing, that surgery was mutilation, and on and on. I
never said a word. That is, til she was leaving and I handed her the BTC
card, and told her to call me when she was ready to discuss her disease.
It takes all kinds in life, the key is to do as Alli has done. Eliminate
the negative, savor the positive. And by all means, take PRIDE in this
HUGE HUGE accomplishment. CHIN UP! Tam
— Tam P.
May 19, 2001
Hi Jesse,
I was very touched by your letter. You deserve credit and appreciation for
taking care of yourself and for doing something to improve your pleasure in
life and your quality of life. I am a psychologist and a motivational
speaker (on self esteem). I would like to think that I have a little extra
understanding of people and why it is they do and say the things they do
and say. I have also been fat my whole life - lost and gained weight many
times and now have a date to meet with a surgeon to(hopefully)make a date
for WLS. People (famly, co-workers, "friends") tend to put
others in their lives in "categoties". You, for many people have
been the "fat one" (whatever that means to them). When you
change, that means they have to change their perception of you, how they
relate to you, where you fit in their "scheme", etc. Change is
very hard for people - most people resist change very strongly - even if
it's change for the better. So, that's one reason they either don't react
to your success or they react nagatively. Additionally, everybody has
things about themselves they'd either like to change or think they
"should" change - but they don't. And, they have all kinds of
rationalizations why they can't, they don't, etc. When someone comes along
who is, in fact, making changes, especially changes that take great effort
and will, it shows up thier "lack" or their "weakness".
Instead of being angry and disappointed in themselves, it's much easier to
make the "changer" the target. Therefore, on an emotional level,
there is nothing wrong with them, it's the "changer" who is
foolish, has problems, etc. You, in essence, with your strength and
determination are "upsetting their applecarts". Too bad! They
will just have to deal! The last time I lost a great deal of weight I had
an aunt who became very nasty and sarcastic. When that "mode"
passed, she would spend time pointng out whatever negatives she could think
of - "do you want to have all that hanging skin?", etc. I have
had some people (I have told very few that I am contmplating the surgery)
that have said they think "it's too drastic, there must be other
methods" and so on. These people, I think, mean well for me - but I
also mean well for me and I need to do what feels right. What I suggest
for you in dealing witht the people in your office or in your family is the
same thing I teach people when I do Assertiveness Training workshops -
PREPARE YOURSELF! For the most part, you know what people are going to say
to you because they've said the same things to you many times. If someone
says, "gee, do you think your breast are going to shrink?", say,
"Gosh, I hope not, they're my favortite part". Someone talking
about the woman who humped a table, ask for her phone number - say you'd
like to share techniques. Catch people off guard. Don't react the way
they expect. Soon - it will stop. Feel your strenght. Remind yourself of
your courage. Think of the wonderful things awaiting you as you reach your
goal. I promise you, the last laugh will be on them. And, along the way,
you'll make some real friends. When you love yourself, others will love
you too. Hugs to you -
[email protected]
— Nancy Z.
May 20, 2001
Oh Jesse,
Don't let these ignorant,small minded people get to you! Congratulations on
taking control and losing the weight. You must feel wonderful. Yes, many
times we must go to extremes but only because we've been lied to for years
and DIETS DON'T WORK! The diet industry is making millions on our
hopes/wants/dreams only for us to ultimatly fail. At no fault of our own.
I'm very fortunate that I haven't experienced anything like that. Not one
person has said anything negative to me and for that I'm grateful. These
people are not your friends but merely aquantances who don't deserve the
time of day when they become that ignorant. I know you have to work with
them-be polite and show them who you are. Show them who you have been all
along but they refused to see the true you because they couldn't/wouldn't
categorize you beyond the fat. I agree witht the psychologist-sounds like
they're feeling their own inadequaces(sp?)right now and they are feeling
bad about themselves and not doing anything about it. YOu're above that.
Live your life and do so proudly of who you are. Yes, you had surgery but
you have to still maintain making the right food/exercise choices for
yourself. Also, how come people who are alcoholics or drug addicts who fail
repeatedly at rehab aren't looked down upon for needing help! You are a
wonderful person who took control of her life to live life. Screw everyone
else. We'll be your support! Congratulations and continued success on this
wonderful journey!
— Linda M.
May 21, 2001
Do you work the same place I do? I am sorry that you are going
thru this. Thank heavens for the support here!!! I work in
a place where the women are evil and that is why I post anonymously.
I know how "they" are and need to protect myself from them.
I had only told 5 people that I work with and also had made
a promise to myself that I wasn't going to let anyone walk
over me anymore- well 1 of the 5 friends thought that they
still could walk over me and when I confronted her she became angry with
me and went and told the administration all about my surgery
and other personal things- well since then when the bunch goes
for lunch I am watched like a hawk. There are always comments
like "you only took 2 bites what is the matter with you" or
"I can't believe that you order food and don't eat it- you
must have money to throw away" I just smile and say this way
I don't have to make an evening meal- or aren't you happy that
your not paying for me? I always end up vomiting because I ge
so upset and nervous- I quit going to the birthday lunches
because of that. NOW my supervisor meets with me 1ce a week
and always want to go for lunch at all things a Chinese Buffet!
The amount of food alone scares and intimidates me- when I have
suggested some place else she always shoots down my ideas. I
heard her after one of our meetings telling the other supervisors
what I had put on my plate and what I'd eaten. It sounds really
icky when I write it down! Good luck to you and remember
that they can only take what we give them!!!!! Take care...
— [Anonymous]
May 21, 2001
Jesse, I don't know how old you are, but this kind of interpersonal, snippy
crap gets easier as you age. Fortunately, after WLS, you WILL age! :-)
After 40 as I am-- and friends over 50 agree too-- we are more able to
look at these people as almost "specimens." They're curious
human beings who thrive on putting others down, ignorance, and general
evilness. They should be in a zoo. Next time someone like that starts in,
grab a notebook and a pen and start scribbling furiously. When they ask
what you're doing, say you're helping a friend do a Master's thesis on
Ignorance and thank them for the priceless example!
— Nancy G.
May 21, 2001
Dear friends and fellow travelers on the WLS journey: Thank you so much
for all the support and good advice. I thought I would just mention that I
am a 41 y.o. psychiatric nursing supervisor, and these less-than-role-model
peers are psychologists, psych nurses, social workers and psych aides; it's
a cliche in the mental health business that you can often find the most
unhappy people working out their own issues by "helping others",
even professionally! Unfortunately, they know just enough to needle the
weak spots and be injurious to one another in working out thse
problems..... There's one university doctoral-level psychiatric nursing
instructor who moonlights where I work... she is the one who had all the
diet advice and now avoids me. (She also gave some private e-mails I wrote
her about my WLS experience to a STUDENT who was working on a WLS term
paper!!! Very mistaken character assessment on my part...I was ignoring my
normally good instincts--too bust defending my choice of WLS. I'm over
that now.) I feel strongly that she is not happy with her life--always
desperate to be younger and prettier, to lose a few unnecessary pounds, to
liven up her unhappy sex life, etc., etc. Before, she felt sorry for me
(like a stray cat, although I am NOT the pitiful type), remarked how
"wasted" my "intellect and potential" were at my
current job, etc., and encouraging me to lose weight and to find a mate
(NOT a priority for me), and go back to school (which I did do). Her pity
showed, but it was well-meant, so I overlooked it because I pitied her as
much. She is an attractive, bright, basically kind woman in her early 50's
with a PhD, for Pete's sake, and yet desperately unhappy with herself and
her life..... I understand that. But it is painful to feel the withdrawal
and rejection, as it is with others there at work who were formerly
comfortable with me, and now are not. .....Intellectually, I understand
it, and will forgive the well-meaning. I'm just lonely and sad because I
live in a tiny Southern town in the middle of a big rural area, and the
people I do see--my coworkers--are a bit rough. I'm not a native--I took
this job for my resume and will be moving on SOON. There's not much here in
the way of social life, similar values, or support.... As for my family,
and perhaps the VBG buddy, they are struggling with tough changes right
now, too. My mother is going back for a WLS band revision spurred equally
by medical necessity and by, most likely, hope and a bit of envy. Over the
years, though, she has tended to be competitive with me--buying the same
clothes, etc.--and to fade away socially when I lost weight, as have my
sisters. (All unconsciously, I feel sure. I know they love me, and vice
versa. But it still hurts, doesn't it?) I think the one that gets to me
most is the sister who reacts to higher self-esteem and firmer limits on my
part by announcing we have taken "separate paths" and we need to
"keep our distance" for the forseeable future--meaning a few
years. She's the one who always wished me the spiritual evolution to
overcome my obesity...now it's the evolution to "find peace" and
overcome my supposed inabiity to "recognize love and to feel
loved" and "stop demanding it furiously" of others. (I'm
supposed to presume it, and expecting it to translate to the real world in
any particular way that would be meaningful to ME,such as getting excited
over my weight loss, or offering help with Mom's surgery, is verboten.
That's demanding and rageful, and shows I can't recognize love when it's
available, in the way she is able to give it.).... My family does love me,
and I love them dearly, and the truth of such inter-family struggles
usually lies somewhere in the middle ground, I know. Maybe I am a bit
strident now with her, as I realize how "one-down" I've been for
years with her.....My weight has been a scapegoat for the whole family,
even me, for years and we don't give up scapegoats--especially
unacknowledged ones---easily, do we? Unfortunately,just as at work,
everybody in my family is a self-appointed "Armchair
Psychologist"--the kind who know just enogh to damage others with
their lay "psychoanalysis" and to use it as a weapon to hurt,
rather than a tool to heal. (The worst sin on the part of a licensed
person, by the way--overstepping one's personal training and experience!)
Well, thanks SO much for allowing me to vent, and for sharing and all your
support. I will get through this--I have enormous strength and have
survived much worse. This is just a boulder on a wonderful road to
freedom. Keep those stories coming and write me at
"[email protected]" if you want to talk 1:1 or need support
yourself. We are each others best supporters, as has been proven once
again. Hugs and gratitude and strength for YOUR journeys to all...Jesse in
VA
— Jesse M.
May 21, 2001
Those people are either A. not educated in the surgery and therefore fight
the unknown or B. are jealous or C. want to have the surgery and just
couldn't get up the balls to do it.
I was "A." about 3 years ago when an obese co-worker told me she
was going to have that surgery. I was not educated and the smart mouth that
I am told her she was nuts and blah blah blah.
Now I'm eating crow...
— Brenda S.
May 10, 2004
Greetings Jesse!
Congratulations on your weight loss. WTG!
It's very strange of people but you used to fit in with the crowd as the
office fat girl and now you're ruining everything by slimming down and
looking great. They can no longer tell themselves they are somehow
superior to you and it's a painful change for your emotionally stunted
co-workers. LOL! Ain't it great?
Give your family some time because it does upset family dynamics when you
become slimmer and healthy. For example: The "pretty" sister
isn't feeling so good about herself cause you may have usurped her
position. She will soon realize you can both be the pretty one and it's
OK. Give them time. They'll have to get over it. They can't stay
disoriented by your physical changes forever.
I rarely had anyone be snide to my face cause I have a tongue like a razor
but people fell into two catagories at work. The ones who smiled and
congratulated me and the others who said nothing and made a special effort
to ignore me.
The former group are jewels and I really appreciate them (bless their
golden hearts!) and for the later group I save my brightest Nah-nah smile.
I surprised myself by enjoying the old cats' discomfort on my physical
improvement. Yeah, I know it's going to be tempting to mess with their
heads but don't because you don't want to join that group of bottom
feeders.
OK, enjoy a few zingers, what the heck! When anyone starts obsessing about
how much you eat. You can also express amazement they can eat such
tremendous amounts of food and not gain weight. Be sure to congratulate
them ad nauseum. *wink* *wink*
Enjoy your new found energy and health, Jesse. Don't let anyone try to rob
you of your great work and successes.
— Carmen K.
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