Question:
Does your mate treat you better after WLS?
Sometimes i feel inadequate in front of my husband and think that he is not as attracted to me because of my weight and i wonder will he treat me different after the wls. Has that happened to anyone and how do you feel with being treated better after the wls. — YOLANDA P. (posted on September 8, 2002)
September 8, 2002
Well, my husband and I have had problems LONG before my weight loss
surgery...and I can't say they have gotten any better. In seven months,
only ONCE (after prodding) has he told me I look good. He used to NEVER
have any interest in sex and now that I've dropped weight, he wants some.
Interesting, huh? It hurts my feelings. Although I will say he married me
when I was heavy and has never made me feel inadequate because I was...but
gosh, I've lost 135 pounds and he acts like he doesn't notice....unless he
notices ANOTHER man looking at me, and then he gets all crabby and wants to
"fight" him, if you can believe that. I complained about our
relationship once on the boards here and someone e-mailed me and said
"WLS makes good marriages better and bad marriages worse". My two
cents: if he treats you better or likes you better AFTER surgery, then he
isn't the one for you. Only a true love wouldn't care and would treat you
the same pre-surgery as post-surgery. Good luck.
— Paula Prichard
September 8, 2002
My STRONG opinion on that is: If a guy doesn't treat you right, or love you
WITH the weight, he's not worth it when you LOSE the weight, because REAL
love is within not how you look.
— ZZ S.
September 8, 2002
My husband doesn't treat me differently after WLS, but I think our
relationship has been enhanced. Because we sorta went (and are still
going) through this together. We exercise together (hiking, bike riding,
go to the gym, jog) and we enjoy it. We do my measurements together and he
is always cheering me on for every pound lost. He harrasses me into taking
my vitamins (I'm really bad at that and he knows it!) and he helps me
fasten my jeans that I'm trying on (you know, the toooooo tight ones, that
I just gotta try to fasten up laying down on the bed!). I'm really lucky
because I'm truly with my soul mate. You might be too. He treated me good
before WLS too...but I was so unhappy that I didn't notice it like I do
now. It is hard to be in a satisfying relationship when one of the parties
is feeling miserable physically, mentally and otherwise. MO did that to my
personality...I'm not saying that everyone is miserable due to MO. But I
was.
I hope things work out for you. The best of luck with your surgery and in
everything you do.
— A. S.
September 8, 2002
The man.. and I use the term loosely... I was dating as a pre op and up
until I was a few months post op really showed how insecure he was... I
thought I had a strong, confident man... and it turned out he was very
jealous of my progress and was not very supportive... The strength and
confidence I was looking for in him... I realized I had it in me all the
while :-) Be good to yourself...
— California J.
September 8, 2002
This is a complicated question and you have already gotten several good
answers. I have another take on it. I met my husband when I was *normal*
sized and we married, after 3 kids I gained 150lbs. I wasn't the woman he
married on the outside, but he loved the woman on the inside. Did he like
that I was heavy, NO, was he worried about my health, YES, was he
embarrassed by me, yes. Could we do things as a family, not alot. I think
a pat answer of they should love you anyway you are is to simple. Before
my surgery we had a great sex life, but he always bothered me to diet. He
would say things like that face doesn't go with that body. It hurt but you
know what, I felt the same way. At my heaviest, I wanted to diet, I wanted
to lose weight, I wanted to look better, so why should I expect him to feel
differently. Our marriage is 100X better after my surgery. He loves it
and is very proud of me.
— Debi V.
September 8, 2002
My situation is like Debi's, just without the kids. My husband married a
size 10 and then watched me gain 100 pounds. He, on the other hand, looked
like the cover of Muscle and Fitness the day we got married and still looks
like that today. He takes great pride in his appearance and felt very
helpless to watch me gain so much weight. Our marriage was in bad shape
as he expressed his frustrations to me over my weight gain, which depressed
me and made me turn to food for comfort-viscious cycle. Today, after 77
pounds, he likes to call me "a work in progress". He saw me fail
at so many diets, I think he's afraid to compliment me for fear I will gain
the weight back. I, on the other hand, am very happy with progress to
date! Look at it this way, if your spouse gained 100 + pounds, would you
be as attracted towards him? I could honestly say NO. I'd still love him,
but would not be attracted to him in the same way. Honest answer.
— Cindy R.
September 9, 2002
My husband met me at 350 pounds. Over the course of our marriage (5 yrs.
ago), I gained up to 407 lbs. Jeff has a heart of gold and was always very
affectionate and loving toward me, even as I entered the "super
morbidly obese" category. Before surgery, I would often ask him,
"Do you think you will be more attracted to me after I lose the
weight?" I was so afraid he would say, "Yes!" because I
already felt bad enough about myself and would have considered this the
ultimate rejection. Instead, Jeff answered, "I really don't know. I
know that I am attracted toward you now ... I don't know how it could
possibly be any better." Interestingly, I have now lost 191 lbs. and
am seeing major differences in the way Jeff treats me. He does little
things that make me know he is more attracted to me, i.e. puts his hand in
my back pockets, kisses me spontaneously in public, talks about me with his
friends, shares his sexual fantasies more openly, etc. Has it made a big
difference in our relationship? Yes. Our relationship has gone from good
to phenomenal. Our trust level has increased. He invests more in me,
because he knows I'm going to be around for a long, long time. He loves my
new energy level and my ability to go on long walks with him and work out
at the gym, etc. In short, our relationship has improved, but not
necessarily because I have a better body. No, I think it has more to do
with my activity level and confidence. He loves that I am more able to
fully participate in life, and this is sexy to him. Hope my answer helps
--
— Terissa R.
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