Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
I grew up in a big Italian-American family, where making and sharing food together was the way we expressed how much we loved one another. There were always big meals and fun parties happening and from an early age I associated food with comfort and safety.
I was always an overweight kid. Food was interesting to me. My only saving grace was that I loved swimming and so I worked out for about an hour a day for most of my childhood and teenage years. When that came to a halt after I had shoulder surgery and broke my elbow in the same year, things really went downhill. It became a cycle of binge/starve/self-hate/repeat over and over again. Sometimes I'd just stop caring altogether thinking, "Why bother? What am I torturing myself for? I can't be normal." Before long, I ballooned to nearly 280 lbs. Standing in front of the closet in my freshman dorm room and realizing that none of my pants fit was when the total devastation set it.
What was (is) the worst thing about being overweight?
For me, the worst part about being overweight was that it made me feel more antisocial. I didn't want people to see me. I loved chatting online because it forced people to look at me only as my personality. I didn't have to worry about being judged on my appearance and it let me hide all of the bad eating habits I developed.
Physically, I felt embarrassed and terrible most of the time. I put on my best happy face most days and tried to participate in the activities I loved, but I was so depressed that many evenings I just hid in my dorm room with a bowl of pasta. Once a week, I helped a friend cook dinner for our group of friends. Friends loved that I cooked so well and it was the one thing that really made me feel special. They loved me as I was...but I didn't. Deep down, I felt nothing but hate and shame at myself.
If you have had weight loss surgery already, what things do you most enjoy doing now that you weren't able to do before?
There are far too many to count, but mostly that I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything without worrying that I won't fit or won't have the ability. I travel to places where I know I'll have to walk around, I run 5k races for the fun of it, I've gone skydiving, and I feel free.
I still love to cook and do make some indulgent, delicious things from time to time. Mostly though, it's delicious and awesome healthy food, which I've learned is just as fun to make. I'm still me.
And I've learned that who I am is someone who *is* able to be healthy.
Neen L.
