Struggling with my fat brain

I think this post will probably just come off whiney, please feel free to ignore me.  I'm not happy with my current mindset about eating.  I find myself really struggling to make good food choices.  I'm definitely at the high end of my weight comfort zone, sitting between 148-150. (156 pounds will put me back in an overweight BMI....very surreal when less than a year ago my BMI had fallen into the underweight category).   I really need to get a handle on my carbs so I can lose back down to a more comfortable weight. I had gotten down to 146 low carbing for several weeks, but gained quickly as I've made some bad choices the past few days.  Overall...I don't do too bad.  It's this fat mindset of mine that is making me crazy at times.  My days of having one bite of a higher carb foods and being satisfied are over.  Once I have that first bite of a carby food, I eat and eat, almost like my old days of binge eating, but I *DO* still have restriction so that helps.  I'll have three perfect days, and then I screw up for 2 days.  I'm not trying to be in a diet mindset, but I do really want to drop 10-15 pounds.  If I don't get this under control, I'll be working my way back up the scale in no time.  Do I need a labotomy or what?  Am I self-sabotaging my success?  Am I worried about nothing?  I mean, hell....I know what I have to do.  But the dreams of sweet goodness of suckers, chocolate and cookie dough swirls in my head.  I( KNEW that this wasn't going to be easy.  I KNEW that I'd have to low carb from time to time.  I really need to come up with a plan to get these few pounds off.  I KNOW it's just a few pounds, but I know me.  A few pounds turns into a big gain.  I'm VERY glad that I've gained weight and that I'm no longer 116 pounds, but seriously?  I'm up 30-35 pounds and I'm worried.  What if I fuck up?

I have been making a half assed attempt to get back into working out.  Starting slow with walking, and I plan to add in more soon.  How do I convince myself to get back on track?  I know I don't want to gain more.  I'm fine(ish) with where I am now, just wish some of my clothes weren't getting so tight.  I'm not scared of going back to low carb, just struggling. 

So yeah, poor me.  I'm the 150 pound chick whining about being fat, I always hated people like that.  But it's not right now that I'm worried about, it's the future if I don't figure out how to get a hold on my habits.

I guess I'm just venting, not even sure I really need advice.  I do know that I didn't do all of this to go back to where I came from.  Looking to get back on PERMANENT track very soon.  Starting right this minute!!! 

Lori

Dear Lori
I always enjoy and read your post cause you are the one who inspired me to fight and get my DS.  You were always nice to me and never put me down for the questions that I ask. 

You know what to do and you are human hun.  please give yourself a break.  I believe there was a young lady (I can't remember her name at this time) I watched you talk thru losing a regain which she did sucessfully. 

You make me feel better about my thoughts because we all think we will be the one DS won't work for or we will break it.  You are just having a moment and if you step back take a deep breath you can do this.  I believe it was Kerry (the helocopter man lol) that said focus on protein, fluids and vitamins and the carbs will take care of themselves. 

I truly have all the faith in the world that you will overcome this.  I do have a question though.  I am 2 months out next week and just I don't have room for carbs I just eat bacon, eggs, cheese all the time and I am lactose intolerant.  Sugar gives me pain and gas (I think).  I just want to know if the gas issue will become less later out?. 

You can do this and remember its not really that hard and its ok to screw up cause you have the DS and you can turn it around.

Love Carla

Carla,

Thank you for the support.  I think I can do this too, I'm just back in a scary place again and hoping that admitting it all out loud will help me get ahold of all of this.

On the sugar, sugar itself doesn't give me gas.  I can eat milk chocolate, suckers like blow pops and such and never have an issue.  It's the other stuff in there with sugar that makes my system gassy.  Such as a wafer INSIDE of that milk chocolate, like a Kit Kat.  You have to play around to see what you can tolerate, but I wouldn't touch the stuff if you're not at goal.  Trust me, going back is hard.

Lori

Dear Lori

I know what you mean about the scary place which is where I will stay untill I loose back to where I was with the lap band and then some.  My mind won't let me believe I will loose it all and reach my goal but I keep pushing forward.
Right now I really only have room for protein.  I eat my protein because the shakes and bars make me sick and cause serious intestinal upset and potty problems. 

I am afraid of carbs.  I want to hit goal so bad that I hardly eat any carb.  I did just have a double cheese burger from McD's and I removed the bottom bun and most of the top bun.  I fear the gas and pains from it and I don't like pooing water. 

I will be good but human along the way.  I will try not to torture myself if I taste a peice of candy but as for now I probably average 10-15 carbs a day. 

Just know that you are an inspiration to alot of us and so is Kerry and Brok.  I don't post alot but I do find most of my answer surfing the board.  Thanks for being you and being here to help us new baby DSers.

Love Carla

I'll second that motion to avoid that stuff until you are at goal. If I could tell those just having there DS one thing, I'd encourage them not to even "try" the stuff (simple sugars****il they get to goal. I messed up early on, making my "own" rules. Trying a tiny bite of this and tiny bite of that. My wt. loss stop at about 60% of what I wanted to lose and lately I've started to regain. Now it's like I've wasted 1.5 years and I'm starting all over, except now my stomach is stretched out, and I can eat/tolerate why too much food. I'm essentially having to follow a "strict diet" much like those I tried prior to wls. Sometimes I wish I did have dumping because the gas, frequent stools I've learned to live with some. Maybe horrific pain would keep me from eating the wrong foods.

Hi Lori,
I've been reminded of "liquid calories"  recently.  I want to lose more weight, but have slowed to a grinding hault. 

So, my large vanilla breve' needs to change to a small sugar free syrup ( w/spenda) vanilla breve'. 

I also understand this in the manner of Liquid calories take up less space and do not give the "full feeling".  So, I will give Dr. B's NP a little credit for bringing this to my attention.  She wants me to get my protein from food, not shakes, and my calories from food, not liquid beverages.  I am not a pop drinker so sugar pop is not an issue.  However, the breve's with sugar syrup kill me.  Lotsa calories carbs in 1/2 and 1/2 and syrup.

Are you still consuming protein shakes?  Can you replace those with an equitable amount of food protein? 

I have been envious of people who weigh 150 pounds and never had an issue with food or weight or weighing damn near 300 pounds.

I think it is totally normal to be worried considering where we came from.  There is always the fear of reverting back to previous weights.

It's certainly not easy for any of us. 

I have always maintained that my obesity was my own lack of self-control.  It was a problem in my mind.  It was not a metabolic problem or a genetic problem; while my mom and sisters are 300+, my mom's mom has never weighed over 170 pounds a day in her life.  So, it is for our family behavioral, environmental, poor choices, emotional eating, and maybe to a lesser degree we are pretty metabolically good calorie preservers.  We are efficient!!  So, then I wondered, worry about the future.  When restriction is not an issue, and malabsorption decreases and absorption increase............   then what happens? 

The restriction gives me such freedom from lack of control, while the malabsorption put me on an even playing field with normies.  I wish I could keep the restriction that I had at 6 months and the malabsorption I have now forever. 

:o)  This is what I like about these boards.  People while greatly different, experience the same struggles.

I'm with you, in spirit. 

Kat

Thanks Kat.  I think I'm lucky that I've never been big on drinking my calories.  The only calories I drink these days are my protein shakes.  I know what you mean by getting in protein as opposed to protein shakes, but after having *been* through protein malnutrition this past year, I can honestly tell you that I'm never stopping my protein shakes.  I felt like death, I now feel like living life.  When my protein labs went to hell, despite the fact I was getting 100-150 grams of protein from food a day, it was obvious that I wouldn't have the luxury of no more protein shakes. 

Thanks for your thoughts.  I think I'm definitely an emotional eater who makes poor choices and get stuck in ruts like this.  I just need to get myself out of it and I'll be good to go.  I really think saying it out loud makes me more able to keep myself in check all day long.  I just went into my cabinets and chucked all of my junk food that wasn't my kids.  Wrapped it up and put it in the dumpster outside so I don't go trash diggin!  Lol!

Lori

I think I understand what you're struggling with; for me it's not the sweets, it's breads, pasta & pizza, I love em and if I'm within arms reach of a pizza, I'm eating it, no matter how full I already am. I don't mind sweets, I like them, but I don't keep eating them once I'm full. 

My only defense for this behavior is to avoid the damn pizza because once I'm exposed to it, I have no will power what so ever. And the only way I can avoid it is to keep lots of "good" choices at hand so I always have something high protein to snack on. THIS IS MY ONLY DEFENSE!!!!!

Exercise is a completely different thing and for me has no relationship to losing weight or what I eat other than when I'm working out I do eat more. I actually gained weight from working out for the last 10 months. It's all good because even though I've gained weight, I'm less fat, I have a lot more lean body mass (muscle) somewhere around 15-20 pounds and less fat somewhere around 10-15 pounds. My weight has gone from a low of 191 to about 195-200 these days. 

So my thing is two fold:

1. Always - ALWAYS KEEP LOTS OF HIGH PROTEIN SNACKS AND FOOD AT HAND.

2. Exercise to increase strength and stamina and to feel great, but do not expect it to make you lose weight.

My worry now is that if I can't exercise or get tired of it and quit; will I be able to reduce my intake of food to match the reduced activity? I sure hope so because I know something is going to happen some day and I won't be able to work out like I am now.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but it's what my struggles and solutions are so far; but then I'm just 17 months out.

Kerry 

Great post Lori----these posts keep me honest with carbs.  I know myself and if I get "the taste"  I have a hard time not overdoing it so, it is much easier if I don't start eating the sugary food or chips to begin with.  Kerry, I love pizza too and I make lavash pizza once a week.  The crust has two carbs for a quarter of a pizza.  It is easy and full of protein---if you and Barb want to road trip to Nebraska, I will make you one!!

Thanks Alicia, I keep watching for lavish products in our stores, but they don't carry it, I sure wish they did.

I don't know about a road trip to Nebraska, maybe someday if I can ever retire.