Pain, suffering, struggle...
I read a daily meditation book for compulsive overeaters. Today's quote was from Kahlil Gibran:
Much your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter portion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
This reminded me of something one of those wise people told me once, that we addicts chose suffering over pain. One of the things I've learned is that I have this knee jerk reaction to think "food!" any time I feel something remotely uncomfortable. I somehow imagine that the cure for my anxiety or unhappiness or distress is excess food. But in an attempt to fix those short-term feelings, I created a life of suffering, from the effects of all that extra food.
What's so amazing is that those things I think I want to avoid feeling aren't really that bad at all, and surely not worth the suffering that obesity and compulsive overeating brings. Sometimes it is a struggle not to turn to food when I am in a bad place. Since surgery, I have rarely used food in the same way I used to, but I still struggle with those old urges and impulses. For example, my first thought when I get up on the weekend is almost always what ooey gooey yumminess could I eat before anyone else gets up. Usually I can bru**** off and smile at my quirky brain misfirings. Sometimes I have more struggle with those feelings. Struggle can happen without actually *eating* the food, and sometimes it is necessary to struggle to not eat the food.
What I'm trying to say is, that we can't control our thoughts and feelings, and I will have periods of struggle around food for the rest of my life. The important thing is what I do, and that is not to use food to fix things it's not designed to. So what I want to say is, my experience has been that whatever I was trying to avoid with food has been far easier to handle than what I got by eating over it, and that knowing that doesn't mean I don't have times of thinking a pound of peanut butter fudge would make everything a lot better! So today, I'm reminding myself that I'd rather feel pain than suffer, and recognize that eating on plan counts just as much whether it's a struggle to do today or not.
Have a great week!
:) Happy
53 yrs old, 5'6" HW: 293 ConsW: 273 SW: 263 CW: 206 
It is called "For Today" by Overeaters Anonymous and you can get it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, anywhere really and electronic now, too. It is my single favorite piece of "recovery" literature, followed by the Big Book of AA. Although I always feel compelled to add that I have complicated and conflicting feelings about recovery world.
:) Happy
53 yrs old, 5'6" HW: 293 ConsW: 273 SW: 263 CW: 206
Thanks so much for posting this Happy! When faced with life struggles, that knee jerk reaction that food will somehow make things better does continue for me, at times. Luckily, since surgery, this reaction has generally been quickly followed by realizing that 1. I don't want to go there, and, 2. the recognition that going there will not solve the problem and will only lead back to more suffering. That doesn't mean that I miraculously stop struggling and wanting to eat, it just has gotten to be more of a pattern for me to realize the consequences of taking that route, before I do so, rather than after. And, you're also correct that most of the time, whatever the issue is, it isn't as hard to go through without food as I imagined it would be, and I come out on the other side without the added guilt and shame of having dived into food. I have even, on a few occasions, experienced not even thinking about eating to deal with emotions, which is an entirely new place for me, which I hope will increase over time.
HW (recorded) 323 Start of Journey 298.9 SW 263.6 CW 177.8 GW 180
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