Weight Loss Surgery Forums

Love. How does one write about love? Who even knows what it means? The dictionary provides over 20 options. So what exactly are we talking about and what am I supposed to write about? Love… Love the noun? Like the feelings of tenderness, attachment, and affection, as in, "My love for my children is strong," or a term of endearment, "Hello, love, how was your day?" Love like the expression of passion and sexual desire? Like, "I make love with my spouse?" How about Love as in something one likes a lot? For example, "I really love that movie!" Then, of course, there is the "Love" score used in tennis, which means "zero." Let's forget about that definition, at least for this article. One less term to confuse the already-confusing concept of Love.

Then there's love the verb. The verb love means to have affection for or to feel passionate about. As in, "Everyone loves that actress." Or the verb Love meaning to take pleasure in something. "She loves music more than anything." Here's one we might choose to focus on: Love meaning to need, require, or benefit from. For example, "Flowers love sunshine," or "That man loves that woman." Ah, here's another one that seems important, offered by dictionary.com, "to have love or affection for another person; be in love."

Let's focus on these two ideas: 1) Love as something we need, require and benefit from, and 2) "To have love or affection for another person; to be in love." How are these two definitions correlated and why write about them in a magazine for surgical weight loss patients?

I recently had a WLS patient (I'll call her Lily) ask me if loving someone isn't a rather selfish thing? I had thought this at times in the past, but wanted to know exactly what she was thinking of when she had asked. I encouraged her to tell me more about what she had in mind regarding love as being a selfish thing.

"Well, I'm wondering if we are using people when we say we love them," Lily said. "I know that we all need love, but are we using other people just to get love from them? We say we love each other, but are we just getting our own emotional needs met from that person? How do we know if we really love them or if we're just getting something we need from them?"

Wow! Those were some great questions that led to a wonderful discussion, during which I think we both learned some important things.

We started by talking about Lily's relationships with friends during the past few years. She said that some of her friendships had changed since she has lost weight. This is somewhat common, and I asked her to share the changes in her friendships since she lost weight. She said that she has two very good friends with whom she has been friends since she was a child. One of these friends now lives in another state, but the two women talk at least every month. Her other lifelong friend lives in a nearby town and the two of them get together at least once a month for coffee and to talk. Both of these friendships have remained intact and haven't changed since Lily lost weight.

Lily noted that some of the women at work, who she thought were friends, treat her differently since she's lost weight. They used to invite her to go to lunch and they even went to a movie together one time and to a dinner theatre together. Since Lily has lost weight, these women tend to avoid her. When they are forced to be together at work, they no longer bring up personal activities. Lily's feelings are hurt and she doesn't understand.

On the other hand, Lily did admit that she herself had recently stepped back from a friendship with a woman named Sheila. Prior to losing weight, Lily said she would have described Sheila as a friend. Lily said that although she felt ashamed about it, she really hung out with Sheila only because their kids had a few activities in common and Lily didn't like showing up at the kids' events alone. She didn't really enjoy Sheila's personality and wasn't fond of her, but wanted/needed a companion at the kids' events. She said it has been difficult and almost embarrassing now trying to make excuses to avoid Sheila.

We talked about Lily's friendships in terms of the definitions of love noted earlier. First, we talked about her level of affection for her various friends and her perception of their affection for her. She said that she has a great deal of affection for both of her lifelong female friends. She said they have been through a lot together and have been there for one another through tough times. They have also had the courage and willingness to work through some arguments that could have cost them their friendships in the past. Lily clearly felt strong affection and love for both of these women and believed they felt the same about her. We then talked about the other definition above: Did these women need, require, and benefit from the relationship? Lily volunteered that we all need friends. I agreed and said it sounded like there was mutual benefit from these relationships. In other words, these relationships were balanced. Both parties in the friendship gave to each other and benefited from the other.

Lily's relationships with the women at work were less balanced. Although Lily said she had felt affection for one of the women in particular, she "tolerated" the other. They were people to talk with at work and gave her people to socialize with outside of work. She noted that she was really not upset that one of women, Patti, no longer talked to her, adding that she wondered if the other woman, Laura, felt pressured into going along with Patti as they had both worked together for a long time. Lily seemed to have genuine affection for Laura, but did not feel the same toward Patti. Lily recognized that she did not benefit from the friendship with Patti, but thought she and Laura could have a mutually beneficial friendship. She decided she would talk with Laura to see if they could rekindle a relationship that had potential to build into a friendship that would give them both what they needed.

We then discussed Lily's relationship with Sheila. Lily was aware that she really felt no affection for Sheila and that she had been using her so she didn't have to be alone at the kids' events. Lily said when she was overweight, she didn't want to be noticed and when she was by herself, she felt even more vulnerable. When she went to events with Sheila, she at least had someone to talk to. Lily said she now understood that this sort of relationship was unhealthy. She realized that this was the selfish form of friendship or love that she had asked about. She was using Sheila in order to get her need for companionship met even though she didn't really feel affection for Sheila.

Finally, we talked about Lily's relationship with her husband of 15 years. She commented that she always told people she "loved" Tom, but she had recently been questioning what that meant. Since she lost weight, she and Tom had been arguing a lot more. She has been feeling more confident and she said he appeared to struggle with that. She was wondering if she had only thought she loved Tom because she needed him so she wouldn't be alone when she was heavy. We talked about the various components of their relationship. She said they very much enjoyed their time alone together, listening to music, watching movies and talking about them, and playing their favorite video game together. She said they supported one another's careers, making sacrifices as they took turns going to school to get their desired degrees. Lily said they both participated in the housekeeping and enjoyed one another's families. They had no children, but loved training their dogs together. She was also satisfied with their sexual relationship and believed Tom was, too. Her concern stemmed from their recent arguments about "anything and nothing." I shared with her that it seemed she and Tom both had mutual affection for one another and that they both mutually benefited from the relationship. I said it sounded to me like a healthy form of love. I suggested they spend time talking about the "real issue," which was her increased confidence, that may have triggered some insecurity on his part. If they wanted, they were welcome to attend a joint therapy session.

Lily's questions about whether love is selfish or not helped me give thought to the matter. It seems to boil down to this: "What are your motives behind your behavior in the relationship and what are your motives for the relationship?" If my husband fills up the gas tank in my car because it is something I really appreciate, that seems to be a healthy motive. He knows I'm busy and hate that task; because he loves me, he makes the effort to get gas for me. Yes, there is a pay-off for him in the fact that I'll be appreciative, but his motive is not selfish. If he fills the gas tank in my car so that I will agree to have sex with him, that's a selfish motive on his part. If his filling up the car with gas leads to my feelings of appreciating him even more than I already do and therefore I want to jump in bed with him, well – that's what I call a win-win. And a very smart husband!

If your relationships and your "love" is based only on getting what you want/need from the other person, but you don't genuinely have affection for that person or care about their getting their needs met in the relationship, it's probably not love. Yes, we all need love. That does not mean our being in relationships or doing nice things for others is selfish in an unhealthy way. There's healthy selfish and unhealthy selfish. Unhealthy selfish means we are only out for ourselves. Healthy selfish means we take care of ourselves in healthy, loving ways – but never at the expense of others.

Think about this in terms of your relationships. We've all had some friendships and love relationships that were based on unhealthy selfish needs. And we have been used by others who were being selfish in unhealthy ways in their relationships with us.

Make up your mind to only put effort into healthy relationships where there is mutual affection and where both parties get their healthy needs met! That's love!