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What's Your Relationship IQ?

 
Maintaining healthy relationships takes a lot of hard work. Boost your relationship knowledge with this relationship IQ quiz!

1. True or False: Couples that remain together for many years argue less about "common" relationship issues (including sex, money, children, housework, in-laws, friends) than couples who part ways.
2. True or False: Anger, frustration, arguments and disagreement indicate that your relationship is falling apart.
3. True or False: Arguments should be resolved as soon as they are brought up.
4. True or False: "Cheating" will always destroy a relationship.
5. True or False: It is important in an argument, that both partners feel heard by the other and are able to accurately describe the other person's position and feelings about the issue.
6. True or False: In a healthy relationship, it is important that both partners define what it means "to love" or "to be in love" in the same way.
7. True or False: In a healthy relationship, your partner should be able to meet all of your needs – so long as you make them clearly known.
8. True or False: Your partner's parents and their relationship can provide important information about what your partner will be like in your relationship.
9. True or False: If ours is a healthy relationship, there should be few times of tension and stress between us.
10. True or False: If we have a number of recurring "issues" in our relationship that result in frequent arguments, we would be wise to part ways and find someone with whom we are more compatible.

IQ What is Your Relationship IQ?

TIP: Try using this format when you communicate to your partner about something that bothers you. "Honey, when you (don't take the garbage out, don't pick up your clothes, put the dishes in the sink instead of in the dishwasher, etc.), I feel (frustrated, angry, irritated, etc.) because (we've talked about this before and you said you'd put forth more effort, it causes me to have more work, we need to work as a team to keep the house picked up, etc.). I need – (or) – I want (to be able to count on you to follow through with what you say you'll do, help keeping the house clean, etc.)

2. False. If you and your partner are arguing and disagreeing often (to the point one or both of you is concerned about the frequency) you may want to get some counseling to improve your communication skills and to work through some of the issues you argue about. The ways you argue also make a difference. Name-calling, accusations, and criticizing one another are unhealthy ways of arguing. If you regularly engage in unfair fighting, you need to obtain professional assistance so you can work through issues in less harmful ways. The fact that you are arguing and disagreeing means you are at least expressing your thoughts and feelings. When there is no discussion about issues it suggests the relationship is in danger.

3. Mostly true. Arguments should be resolved as soon as possible, but sometimes it depends on
the circumstances. As a couple, you will have to learn what each of you needs when you have an argument. Sometimes both people agree that they want to resolve the issue at the time they have the argument. If that's the case for you and you are both able to do that, then by all means have the discussion and put the issue behind you. Many couples, however, have very different temperaments; one person will want some time to calm down or think about the issue before being able to resolve it and the other one may want to "fix" things immediately. This is difficult because the person who wants to resolve the problem on the spot may become fearful if the other person leaves to process the issue. However, if the person who needs a "time out" feels pressured to discuss the issue on the spot, they may engage in unfair fighting tactics. Also, remember – there will be issues you won't ever completely agree on. Sometimes, you will have to agree to disagree; in these cases, be sure you have both been heard by the other person is respected, regardless of whether or not you agree.

TIP: If you and your partner fall into the category of those who don't often resolve issues at the time they arise, have a discussion like the following at a time when you are both in calm, relaxed moods:

Partner who prefers to resolve things immediately: "When you leave when we argue, I feel scared (abandoned, afraid you'll drive when you're angry and get hurt, scared that you're not going to come back for a long time, etc.) I need some sort of reassurance that we are going to do our best to work through our issues. I prefer to work them out when they happen. I know sometimes you might need to take time away from the argument, so it would help if you could assure me that we will deal with the problem after you cool down."

Partner who needs to take a break from an argument: "I understand that you get scared if I leave when we're arguing. I worry that if I don't take a break, I will get too angry and I will say or do things I'll regret. I assure you that we will talk about whatever the problem is when I come back and I will come back. If I'm going to be gone for more than 30 minutes, I'll call to let you know where I am and when I'll be back."

4. False. Although, if a couple is not married, and one of the partners has been unfaithful, the other may not believe it is worth the work and effort to sort through the issues associated with the infidelity. If this is the case, the relationship will likely end. If an unmarried couple has been together for a long time and the infidelity is a first occurrence, both partners may be willing to discover and heal whatever is related to the infidelity. If a couple is married and one partner is unfaithful, there is often more incentive for them to try to work through the issues associated with the infidelity. Whether a couple is married or not, it is very possible for them to successfully work through infidelity if both partners are willing to address individual issues and couple issues. Many times, a better relationship is established through the process of counseling; the infidelity may have helped to bring major problems within individuals and the couple to the surface. Therefore, if both parties are willing to put forth the effort to work through the issues associated with infidelity, the relationship can actually strengthen and improve. Although not an easy process, it can be powerful in terms of personal and relationship growth.

NOTE: If there is infidelity in a relationship, it is the person who "cheated" who is responsible for that behavior. While it may be true that there are issues in the relationship that contributed to one or both parties being unsatisfied in the relationship, the person who chose to
be unfaithful always had other options than to cheat. Both persons will need counseling in this situation, together and separately, to work through the issues. If infidelity is "swept under the carpet" a number of related and seemingly unrelated issues will surface
in the relationship over time. Infidelity needs to be addressed directly and almost always requires the help of a professional, qualified therapist.

5. True – on both counts. Both partners need to feel heard and need to be able to describe their partner's position and feelings on the topic. This is difficult when emotions are heightened. However, a couple can save hours (days? weeks?) of resentment toward one another by being willing to genuinely listen to their partner. Really listening to one another is one of the most important skills a couple can work to develop.

TIP: Listen for the other person's feelings more so than the content of what they are saying. We all want to be acknowledged and heard. Doing so for another person goes a long way in their doing the same for you.

EXAMPLE: He wants to watch a ball game on television with the guys he went to college with. This group gets together annually for this game between these two rival schools. She wants him to skip the game and go out to dinner with her parents who are only in town for the evening, and who only come to town once every couple of months. After explaining their positions to one another, it would be extremely helpful if they had the following dialogue:
He: "I understand you are angry and hurt that I want to go to the game with my buddies even though your parents are coming to town and you want us all to go dinner. It makes sense to me that you don't understand why a ball game is so important to me."
She: "I know you're frustrated that I want you to skip this ball game with your buddies because it's a once-a-year deal."
He: "I would be willing to leave right after the game – or even before it's over if it's a complete rout. I'd still get to see the old gang and if you could spend some time hanging out with your folks for a while, we could still go out to dinner together."
She: "I still don't like it, but I do understand that you only see these guys all together once a year. Fine. We'll go to dinner a bit later. And thank you for being willing to leave the game early."

6. False.No two people will define what it means to be in love exactly the same. What is important is that both people make an effort to understand what love and being in love means to the other person. It is just as important that both people in the relationship clearly express what it means to them to feel loved by the other person.

TIP: Read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains the importance of understanding one another's way of feeling loved. Easy read and good info!

7. False. It is not possible for one person to meet all of our needs, regardless of how clearly we express them. It is important, as already noted, that we work to understand one another and each other's needs. However, we need friends and family in our lives – as well as our partner – to help meet our needs for love and companionship and support and encouragement and validation and on and on and on.

TIP: Read Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. This is an excellent book that describes how each partner's family of origin plays an important part in their choice of mate selection as well as how people treat their mate.

9. False.It is true that a healthy relationship will result in much more happiness than stress. However, all relationships will have continual sources of stress in them. Life is stressful, and our relationships are an important part of our lives. Learning to work through the times of stress in a healthy way means you and your partner will have more frequent times of happiness in the relationship.

10. False – mostly. There are going to be numerous "issues" in every relationship. That is less important than what both parties are willing to do about the issues. If both partners are willing to look at their part in the problems and to seek counseling if they are unable to resolve them on their own, then stick it out and work through the issues. If you leave one relationship without trying to resolve issues, you will run into the same problems again in nearly every other relationship in the future. Most couples struggle over the same problems. Those who are willing to work hard to resolve them have the happiest relationships!

TIP: Get help and get happy when you have difficulties in your relationship!

How well did you do on the Relationship IQ quiz? Share your thoughts and expierencs below!