Real Men Don't Do WLS (Support Groups)

 I say that, not as a statement of fact, but rather wishing to stimulate some conversation on the subject, hoping to discover what is going on in that regard.   I make that remark based on the following personal experiences and observations since my own surgery:

  1.  Earlier this year I attended my first local support group meeting for patients of my type of WLS, and out of the eight members present I was the only male there;

  2.  Yesterday I attended my first local WLS (in general) support group meeting, and, again, out of the eight members present there, I was the lone male.  A check of the roster of some 25 members of the group revealed that, further, I was the only male in same;

  3.   Two months ago I attended the OH regional conference in San Antonio.  Out of 100s of attendees, I saw relatively few other Ms there, and after talking to several of the guys it became apparent that they seemed to be mostly spouses, boyfriends, family members or other support people of ladies that had or were thinking about having WLS.  At Ramon and Bo's mens' breakout group on the last day of the conference, only ONE other WLS patient showed for same other than myself.!

  4.  The "lab rat chart" on OH has very few M "rats" on same (last time I checked, which was over a year ago);

  5.  Prior to finding OH, out of the various persons I had met in reali life that had WLS, only 2 were M and they were both spouses of WLS patients who had their surgery around the same time as their spouses and at their urgings (one of the husbands didn't even seem heavy enough for WLS, IMHO);


     What in the world is going on here???   A review of the OH membership roster seems to show the much greater majority of WLS  patients are indeed female, but it's really astonishing how much apathy or disinterest (loathing?) males seem to have when it comes to attending or taking part in any sort of support functions after they do have WLS.  
     
     Is it considered "macho" somehow to be or remain MO or even SO in America?   Are guys not supposed to feel a need for support or guidance by their peers after WLS?  I recall how one member of the Texas forum recently lamented in her post how it is "acceptable" so to speak for a M to be overweight or MO in our society, but not females.  I've run across the proclamation of that curious double standard as well, before, from others.   Is that REALLY the case?

    &:-)    Paul 

You are correct on all accounts!  I've often wondered that myself.  But as the time goes by, I see more and more men researching about wls.  At my consultation last year, there were about 10 men there.  Woohoo!  Hopefully more and more will be able to know about WLS and go for it! I look forward to seeing the responses that you get. Cheers!

WE have a few on the boards that are great encouragers.. if they need ours we are  ready to give our support you know women are caretakes and wiil give you our thoughts( if you want them or not) there are a lot of men in graveyards because of stubbon manicho thinking.!!!!!!!!! I know a few I wish would listen!

Here's my idle speculation on this - not only is that *all* that is, but that's about all that it's worth, too. LOL

Unless I am mistaken, obesity is more common among women than men. 

It is more socially acceptable for men to be obese than women. Try to imagine the show "King of Queens" if the wife was fat instead of the husband...

Not only is it not macho to seek outside intervention (WLS), but for most men, seeking support afterwards would be the ultimate act of emasculation.  Have you ever seen clips of Richard Simmons counseling someone? I am willing to bet that images like those come into the minds of most men who are recommended to attend support groups, and they don't want any part of it. 

Please forgive me for this one, as I realize that it *is* sexist, but... before you can get WLS, you have to go to the doctor first. Man... go to doctor... willingly...nothing falling off... bwahahaha! The idea of my husband, my brother, my father, my male cousins just going to the doctor without serious coercion, much less with the dedication and regularity that WLS approval requires is outside of the realm of comprehension for most males. 

Mostly, I think that it's the machismo of toughing it out by yourself; the "I don't need help because I am a real man" school of thought.

Again, please forgive me if I sound sexist. I think guys are great - they are just different. 

As for the double standard, I'm going to say that it has been the case but that it's changing.  I, being MO, have stood next to a gentleman at a get together who was just as MO as me and someone said, "Hey! Dude, You are so lucky to have a wife that treats you well!" Refering to his weight and how is wife must cook well for him.  As if it was a good thing?! But I get sneers, leers, pointing, whispers. Even at the gym!!!!  If same male was at the gym, he would get slaps on the back and verbal momentum, while I still get stares and glares and loads of humiliation.  But I don't think it's men who put this double standard on woman. I think it's women and the media. We do it to ourselves. I guess a sort of innate competition. An overweight wife can still be afraid that her overweight husband can find a smaller more attractive woman.  All magazines, commercials, TV shows and ads dictate to us what women "should" (as they see it) look like to appeal to men.  But unless that same said commercial is about cologne or something gearing towards attracting women, there aren't a lot of "sexy muscular" men in commercials.   Take for example a lot of sitcoms.  How many have you seen that have at least 1 overweight male in it? The character is jovial, fun to be around!  IF a woman is even SLIGHTLY overweight on the show, she is always doing the dieting thing or they might have an episode with her acting the fool and grotesquely binge eating.  Some of this is changing however.  More men are stepping up and doing WLS. My Dr's PA had it! I have two men in my office building who have had it and one is scheduled for Jan.  They are the ones who turned me on to OH.com and have told me about some good support groups.  Also, it is possible to consider, while socially it's acceptable for a woman to seek out assistance in forums such as counseling or support groups, it has in the past been stigmatized for men to do so. It "wasn't right" for a man to need help.  While that too is changing, I believe it is still hard for some men to get past that.   It's runs along the same crappy line as "men don't cry".  It's ingrained in most and hard to get past. Society in the past has told them it's a sign of weakness which is crap too.

Sweetie---you are such a good guy!!! I don't know who to copy and paste your original post---but I love it. It says all the things we gals really think.

I agree with you!  There are very few of us around.  Statistics show that only 12% of the WLS population are males.  Yes there is a double standard at play.  I have attended a support group meeting every month for the last 6 months, and there are only 4 of us who attend regular.  I am in the process of attaining approval for RNY, and will continue attending support groups.  My wife had surgery in June and because of work, she has only attended 1 hospital led support group function.  We are both active in a non-hospital led support group known as the Lunch Bunch.  Support is something everyone needs at times.  It seems men are considered weak (by other men), if they have to ask for help.  I have felt that way amongst my Friends here at OH.  I tend to support other people more, than I ask for support!  Maybe is is machismo (sp?) If you are interested in male support, there is a Mens Board here known as the Locker Room!  Just click on the link below.  the Mens Forum is very active and full of support!  I don't post on there as much as I should, but I read the posts daily! Have a great day! http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/men/

Paul, You are right.  But in the two seminars I've attended in the last two months, there were quite a few obese men at each one.  Maybe you guys are just finally coming out of the closet??  I haven't attended a support group meeting yet, because of my work schedule, but plan on attending one on the 20th.  I think there are at least two men in that support group.  I'm not sure yet of the ratio of male/female in this support group yet, it will be interesting to find out. Veronica

for the male viewpoint here at OH...try our "locker room" -- that's the MENs forum here at  this link...                 http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/men THAT is where I found great help, wonderful male opinions on everything that I wanted to know...and lots and lots of FARTS too! Give it a try....we're good lads! Jim PS the term FART is our "male" WOW moment....

Thanks for the heads up as to the Men's forum and the invite .. !      I'm going to cut and paste my original post there and see what responses we get from the other guys on that forum  ..       &:-)   Paul