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Legal Separation

Legal Separation? from My Fat!

It was my third dating experience after separating from my husband of 22 years, and I argued with myself all day long about canceling. I had talked with Jerry the day before, and I knew immediately that we were definitely not each other?s type. There wasn?t a doubt in my mind that my weight would be a problem for him. One might think I should have felt guilty for only using a headshot on my Internet dating profile, but hey, I didn?t select ?slender? or ?average? or even ?needs to lose a few pounds? as my body type. I selected ?voluptuous? just like I was supposed to. Yet somehow I felt compelled to go out with Jerry anyway. I sensed it was something that I needed to do, even though the reason was still unclear.

 I walked into the coffee house and scanned the room for someone resembling the picture of Jerry on his profile. He hadn?t arrived yet, and I breathed a nervous sigh. Come on, you can do this, I thought as I willed myself to cross the room with dignity. Where should I sit, where should I sit? I picked a corner of the room with two velvet chairs facing each other. Damn, no table to hide behind. My tummy (I like that word better than stomach because it sounds much skinnier to me) and my thighs were my biggest problems, and now they would be exposed. Oh well, it?s too late now, I thought.

I saw Jerry walk in and noted that he was more handsome than his picture. He greeted me warmly with a kiss on the cheek and bought a cup of tea for me and a bottle of water for himself. We were able to quickly establish a comfortable rapport, since our kids were the same age, and there was no lack for words as we talked for hours. I don?t remember all of our conversation, but certain parts stand out?especially when he said the thing that no overweight person ever wants to hear: ?You have a beautiful face and smile.? I knew his comment was genuine, but it was also obvious that my weight really was an issue for him.

As we talked about different topics, Jerry had no idea that tremendous revelations were taking place inside my mind. I smiled to myself as I stared at his face and reveled in the way he was looking at me. I could tell that I was charming him and that he liked me in spite of his finding young girls with tight bodies appealing, as he mentioned more than once during our conversation.

I thought to myself, He likes me, who I am, and that was when it happened?a monumental separation between myself and my fat. Yes, my weight was still a part of me, but it no longer defined who I was. Suddenly it didn?t matter if Jerry wanted to see me again or not, because his opinion of my weight could no longer sting as it would have in the past.

I?m not saying I don?t get frightened or make a face of disgust anymore when I look in the mirror. But if Jerry rejected me because of my weight, I didn?t have to be mortified, humiliated or depressed, because he would be rejecting my fat, not me! If Jerry couldn?t overcome being with me on my way down the scale, it didn?t mean that he was wrong or make him a bad person, but he was certainly not the one for me.

Jerry was a perfect gentleman that night. When he walked me to my car, he faced me, held both of my arms and said, ?I have been looking at those lips all night,? and with that he kissed me. It was a very sexy kiss. He stopped to look at me and said, ?That was so sweet ? I think I would like some more,? and again he kissed me. As he said good night and turned to leave, my instincts told me that it was a goodbye kiss. And yet, I found myself smiling all the way home.

Dawn M. Smith is an OH member. Visit her profile at www.obesityhelp.com/member/dawnsmith.