Why did I do this to myself?

Hi everyone I am just starting out my journey to having wls. I meet my surgeon Thursday and i'm really nervous and excited. Anyway.. I have not been to the doctor in a while before last week ( i know thats bad) so I did not know how much I weighed. I got on the scale and it said 450. I wanted to to break down and cry right there. I knew I was gaining a lot of weight but 450! I cant believe I let myself get this big. I have always been a big girl but 450. I am so upset and mad at myself. Then I got some film back yesterday and I am so so depressed. I guess I have been in DENIAL because I dont see myself that big. I look sooo BIG. My face is so swollen. How could I do this to myself? Didn't I care how big I was getting? What is the matter with me? Every since a OH member passed away the other day, I have been questioning myself about WLS. Am I really willing to die to be thinner and healthier? I dont have any major health problems except arthiritis in my right knee from the all the weight and back pain when i walk long distance. Can I loose this on my own? I feel like I'm going crazy Sorry this was a little longer than I thought it was. I am just venting. Thanks, Kay

Dear Kay: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KAY))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I have had some set backs with my surgery, but I will tell you this, I'd do it AGAIN AND AGAIN................67 pounds in week 10. This will be the best thing that you can do for yourself. I hate to be so blunt, but yes, it is denial. We deny it all. I did until I reached 400 pounds. I just felt for me that the cycle of emotional eating had to stop. I just knew deep inside that I could NOT take the weight off alone. I just felt that I had "too much" to lose. I need to lose 230 pounds. This is a wonderful tool I have been blessed with. I waited 5 years and 3 insurance companies........but I did it. You need to search deep inside and decide what "Kay" really wants. I know you said that you only have pain in your knee. But I know there is more. I ached everyday at 400, I hated walking, standing, riding in a car, sitting in a chair........walking up steps, walking PERIOD!!!! I am glad that you hated that pic so much...................use it as your before picture!!!!! That's what I did. I felt the same way about myself. Check out my before pic. I am so swollen too. I just couldn't believe I did that to myself. Now I love taking my picture to document my loss, it is the best feeling. I know you will make the right decision. I wish you the best in your future and I wish you MUCH SUCCESS in your weight loss journey~~~!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and keep us posted to your decision. Carmella -67 pounds in 10 wks

Carmella Thanks for your kind words. I have been pretty good about not getting nervous but the closer I get to metting the surgeon, the more nervous I get. I do now realize that I was in serious Denial. I did not wanna face the truth. NOW i have! Oh there is much more than a painful Knee. I ache all over. But the Knee is the worst pain. I was talking about nothing major like High blood pressure or diabetes. If i keep going I wont be suprised If I develop these. I think I will post these HORRIBLE pictures as my Before picture. Thanks agian and Congrats on your 67 pound weight loss. Keep up the Good work, Kay

You're not alone, Kay. When I was weighed in at my surgery consult, it was the first time I had been weighed in months, because I was too heavy for a standard medical scale. When I saw the weight, I burst into tears of shame. The surgeon just kept repeating that his office was a safe place, and that there WAS no shame there. I guess I had to wait so long (three years) to get the surgery, that I'd had plenty of time to get past most of the jitters. I knew that I wasn't going to magically find the diet that would work for me, when all the others had failed. I knew that I had done my best to lose weight on my own (getting myself pumped up and motivated and certain that this time would be the last time), and so I was ready to make a lifelong decision. As a single mother, I was terrified that I was going to die getting this surgery, but I was PETRIFIED (and fairly certain) that I would die without it. I knew my son needed me around, so I opted for the less risky of the two choices...the surgery (IMO). I have not regretted it once. That's an honest statement, even though I've had a couple of complications (stricture and solid food intolerance). I'm way more energetic, I was able to stop my medications, I can play with my son, and I can walk down the halls at work without huffing and puffing. I'm not ashamed to go places anymore, I fit in movie seats and restaurant booths, and I am loving life again. I've lost 90 pounds in 12 weeks. Julie

Kay, Yep, good old fashioned denial... something that most morbidly obese people are familiar with. I always thought I was just a little over 350 (the max that my doctor's scale went to. I kept telling myelf that for several years. When I finally stepped on a scale that would weigh me and it said 499 pounds I about died. I really had no clue that I was that much. I really had myself convinced that I was about 370. That was a HUGE wake-up call for me. I have come to grips with that and I am now 431 pounds... that is 68 pounds down from my highest weigh in and I will never again be 499 pounds. Heck, I will never again be 450. Soon I will be out of the 400's and I will be able to say that I will never again be in the 400's! I can say that because the surgery actually seems to work for us folks who have failed on literally every diet and exercise plan out there... most of us have tried them all and that is why we are at the place of needing weight loss surgery. Only you can make the decision as it is a very personal one... I had a stranger yesterday ask me to go to some meeting where her friend would be and tell him that he should have surgery... like I would do that, yeah right!!!!! This has to be something that each individual decides on their own... you can read people's stories, get advice, pray, whatever, but the bottom line is that you are the one that has to live with you. You are the one that knows what is best for you. I really believe that if it is the right decision for a person they will have peace about it once they have made their decision. Also, for some it may be the right decision at another time... the pieces have to fit together for you and only you. Hang in there and keep searching, you will find your answer! Patti 479//431/180

Kay, you are not alone!!! I am exactly where you are now. I read about that other member dying......and it sort of shook me. Also, I had my friend visit me who I hadnt seen in 18 years. She seemed really really big to me, but she weighed 75 pounds less than i do. I guess I am seeing the world out of "denial tinted "glasses instead of "rose tinted "ones. We will be fine. We will emerge winners (or losers) lol. take care!

Kay, In my opinion, this surgery is exactly for folks like us. Because, we really could die from the surgery, yet, being over 350 lbs or 400 lbs is also a pretty certain young death and usually not a pretty way to go. I really think that when people make this decision it has to be about weighing your health options, not about how we look or if society will accept us. I had my surgery on May 23rd, I've lost 62 lbs. I feel great. I've had no complications, but, many of the folks in my support group have had tons of complications, additional hospitalizations and some life threatening situations. I feel very lucky to have come through this (so far) so well! So, what I weighed out was this: I have serious osteoarthritis in both my knees and hips, my doctor told me I'll be in a wheel chair in a couple of years if I didn't lose 100 lbs! (I'm only 44!) Both of my parents are Severely Morbidly Obese and can't walk! (they are 61 and 62 years old!) My father has sever diabetes and high blood pressure, my mother has congestive heart failure and has had 2 kinds of cancer. That seemed like my certain future or I could take the risk of dying or having complications from WLS or maybe, just maybe, losing weight and living life to the fullest! I decided to take the chance. But, I wouldn't try to talk anyone into this surgery. Everyone needs to make this decision for themselves after lots of research and looking at their futures. Good Luck! Lori 384/322/170

I think alot of us has had this happen! It happened to me and I thought wow what am I doing. I thought about this surgery for a long time and just never had the insurance to cover it. Boy as soon as I got it I put in for approval. 2 month later I got approved and had surgery. I was scared that I would die, I was scared to leave my husband, and I was just scared of everything! I asked myself one question! Am I living now? After thinking about that I was like you know what I can barely walk, barely breath otherwise healthy. Tired of people looking at me like i am a monster. I have pictures on my profile. I never saw myself like that. I like you thought I was smaller and daintier. funny thing is after loosing all the weight I still see myself as 423. I was told it takes along time for the brain to catch up with the body. What ever you decision I pray for you! Lisa I would do this again and again to have the life I have now.

Lisa.. Thanks for responding. I think my nerves are getting the best of me. I have been staying so positive throughout this process but all of a sudden I started getting nervous. I know I need wls to improve my life. Like you said... Am I really living a full life now?? I keep repeating that to myself. Thanks again! Your pictures look great! You have done a good job. Kay