"aha" moment

I had a moment today when I realized something about myself. It started last week when I went to my first consultation with my surgeon. The day before I had read the memorial page and frankly I was so scared that morning that I was literally shaking all the way into his office. I did calm down after I was there, and ultimately came away feeling that surgery is the right thing for me to do. However, in the week since I've done just about everything I could do to defeat the weight loss attempt I'd been making in preparation. Prior to the consult I'd lost 20+ lbs and was walking 20 mins a day. I haven't walked this whole week since, and haven't been following the diet that had previously been mostly working for me. I had been having trouble for some time with the diet since my pcp put me on metformin, but I had been fighting and keeping off the loss. This is a pattern consistent with the way I've behaved pretty much my entire life. See some good results, think "oh yeah, I can do this", then sabotage myself. Now for my "aha" moment. I realized today that I do this totally out of fear. Fear that I will change, fear that I won't change, fear that the diet and/or surgery will work, fear that they won't. I cannot believe even for one second how scared I am. I would have told you that I was a pretty calm relaxed person until last week. I guess because this was more extreme stress and fear over what I have had over the years, it was easier to see this time. I could see, once I looked back at things that this was something I've been fighting all my life. I've read that it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you. So now that I know that fear is what's eating me, what do I do with it? I haven't a clue yet, but knowing is half the battle. Thanks for listening. ~Ellen

hi ellen, (((((((((ELLEN))))))))))..........i know how you feel. Sometimes I think fear is what drives all of us...... obese and non-obese alike. I know I should be dieting and yet..........I just cant/wont.

Thanks ((((((Bridget))))))). I think you're right about fear driving us all to some degree. I think that what I was impressed with today is the realization that fear is what drives me to sabotage myself. That knowledge alone is freeing, in a way. Keep at it, I have faith that it will get better.

Hi Ellen, I havent had my first consult yet but like you I read the memorial pages. Then I spent 2 days thinking about that,wondering if someday I would be there too if I did this. After about a week I have got myself back to thinking about the surgery. I guess we will both hang in there and get through it. Debbie

Hi Debbie. I think that it's totally normal to contemplate that. The risk is small, but it is there. It's imperative to be informed. Having said that I have to say it's a risk I am willing to take. Hang in there.

Hey Ellen, What an awesome moment for you. Realizing that you are self-sabatoging is a great step in helping yourself out. I've fought this same battle all my life, just never really owned up to it. Even this far post op, I still face those demons. With the help of my surgery, thankfully I cannot let myself get so far out of control, but do feel the same past haunts I used to have. Maybe try counseling to help figure out whats eating you? Fear can make us do terrible things, but finding a way to turn the fear into something positive, to be a motivator would be better. Maybe talk to yourself, when you want to binge, or blow off your exercise.. tell yourself you're afraid of NOT succeeding, and everything you do right at this point in your journey, is a step toward success! Best of luck, thanks for sharing these feelings, and know you're not alone! Wendy

Thanks Wendy. I am actually in counselling and will bring this up next session. I will say that just posting this on the boards helped me. Sort of like seeing it in print made it more real? ~Ellen