How do I motivate my wife - 2 1/2 years out?

 You are trying to control her. With your actions "quietly" I doubt it is. I'd feel like you were judging every single thing I was doing or not doing and eating...while I might love you that attitude of yours would drive me crazy! I know - i"m married to one of you! The more he pushes , the more upset I get. This was my decision - my operation. I want you to support me and love me - even when I slide and fall. It's my journey to change my behavior. I don't need the food police - unless I've told you to do it to me! Ask HER "What do you want from me? And what do you want me to do? What would help you? Also, WHAT DON'T you want me to do? please listen to what she says....don't think No - what she really needs is...whatever - fill in the blank! I know - I've been there and we went to counselling together to get a handle on the anger and resentment his behavior was causing our relationship...Yes, we're doing better and my weight loss is doing better also. BTW - you can't motivate your wife - unless SHE wants it...good luck.   Linda 

  Thank you for your candid reply.  

I think because I met her in the 'honeymoon phase' of her gastric bypass surgery, I wasn't prepared for long term hardships.  In the beginning of our relationship, I was convinced by her motivation and commitment that success was her long term goal.  Now that she's given up, I feel duped.  I feel like I married a different person with a completely different attitude.  I have a real hard time understanding how she can just quit at the drop of a hat.  It causes me much grief.  She went through that difficult surgery, complications, and all the hard work of diet and exercise to loose 135 pounds.  I don't understand how she can allow herself to gain half of it back.  Sometimes, I feel like she's satisfied she found her soul mate ( as she calls me) and has no reason to try anymore.  Her mother once said that I'm too good to her, and that she's gaining on purpose cause she feels uncomfortable that I Iove her like I do.

I like your advice, however.  I have asked her before what I can do to help her succeed.  She's told me there's nothing that I can do - that it's something she has to do on her own.  But I'm going to ask her again with the approach you suggested.  And I'm going to make a point to ask her what she doesn't want me to do.

She knows I grieve about her weight.  My biggest concern is how much she's gained in only a few months.  If this was over a period of years, it would be much easier for me to understand.   I've specifically asked her if she resented me for my feelings, and she said she doesn't.  I believe her.  She always says that hates upsetting and disappointing me.  She tells me that she's afraid I'm going to leave if she gains too much weight.  Although that isn't true, those fears still aren't enough to motivate her.

I love my wife more than I can say.  I fear that obestiy related health problems will soon come back.  And then it will be too late.

 I can really relate to her feelings as I know I've felt that same way. I don't want to disappoint my husband but at the same time when he's "nagging" me I just want to rebel..."You can't tell me what to do"...so I sabatoge my weight loss. I believe it's called passive- aggressive behavior. You have to remember 2 things - We (and she) have been heavier than we've been thinner...we have more practice at being heavy. 2. She may feel uncomfortable being in better shape - you get attention that you're not used to...along with all the expectations that it can bring! I used fat to hid away and blend in - being one of the guys and not being  looked on as a "girl"...(there was also abuse in my past so I used fat to be unattractive). It's not to say it's an issue with her - but a high number of heavy people have had some form of abuse in their past.
 You haven't said do you or your wife go to any support group? I've found it really helps - plus since my husband has started to go our relationship has improved. I'm very open about my surgery to others whereas he's a very private person...but he still goes. He learns from others how to be supportive of my weight loss. I've lost 47 lbs since the surgery and there has been a period of time I was regaining...fell off the wagon and cheated with foods I shouldn't be eating - but I did the 5 day pouch test to get me back on track. Has she had her gall-bladder taken out yet? If not, weight loss and rapid regain could cause gallstones - and that could be VERY painful resulting in more surgery. You could preface your concern with information about that to her. Gallstones are very painful! Good luck and if you don't already see if there is a local support group as that could make all the difference in the world!  Linda

Thanks for your reply.

My wife and I have a fantiasitc relationship.  We are very close, we never fight. The issue with her weight is the only issue we have.  She knows it grieves me. 

She used to go the the support group.  Only once during the past year did I convince her to go back. She hasn't been back since.   I would go without her; however, I travel for a living and not in town some weeks.

I've considered going to a counseler to help me deal with this.  I hate watching her sabotage her surgery one spoonful at a time.

Actually I think that going to a counseler would be a great idea....either as a couple or even alone. Sometimes you need a sounding board with no attachment to the outcome to help you
work through the issue. I didn't mean to imply you had issues...if you're traveling that much is she lonely? I know I use food as a coping tool...and that is something I keep working on.
 Do you know anyone from the support group that you could contact ? I know I've wanted to
reach out to members of our group that no longer come to make sure they're OK and doing
OK...or if they're not - reassure we won't judge them and to please come back. We have a really
good supportive group of people...you've never mentioned - does she have any close friends you might be able to talk to or have them reach out to her? Just a thought...good luck in your journey.
Just remember to love her as she is - today.                                              Linda

 Thanks for your quick reply, Linda.

Yeah, I'm Facebook friends with a few people from her Support Group.  I've contacted two of them a few months ago.  I also contacted the nurse from her surgeon’s practice.  Unfortunately, I really didn't get any help from anyone.  

My wife doesn't have any close friends; her brother and I are the closest people to her.  She has many old friends and acquaintances on Facebook, but no one she sees or speaks to regularly.  

I think I'll contact a few people from the Support Group and ask them to reach out to her.  

I appreciate your advice very much, thank you.

Dave

 We all have different views an opinions but if I had. Hubby like u so concerned I'd be on it my husband love him dearly but I think he was threatened when I lost weight somewhat jealous to me now with the gain when I talk about it he says ur fine stop worrying about it I will not I can not see myself being 270 again No way no way your wife is so lucky hope she realizes it sorry who don't agreeee 

 Thank you.  That is the way I WISH she would view my concern.  She still may see it that way, she tells me she's afraid I'd leave her if she gained too much (not true), but that's still not enough to motivate her. I beleive that I shouldn't ask her to do what I wouldn't do.  So I've activly exercised, keept a food diary, don't drink with meals when I'm around her, etc.  I don't say a word.  But I know she notices.  I'm hoping my silent motivation will someone convince her to get back on the wagon.

All I can say is this over 40 it is so hard to get off an keep it off so my advice to her woman to woman is PLEASE get it off because I feel terrible u cant imagine an I am so surprised she doesnt to go from a 24 to a 8 now 12 I feel huge

Since my surgery I have become a certified hypnotherapist as I am persueing my doctorate as a clinical psychologist.  She has underlying issues that food is temporarily resolving for her. It is NOT the food that is the problem.  If I may gently say, please find a local energy healer or PROFESSIONAL hypnotherapist and I can guarantee the change then will be permanent. :) Feel free to email me if you want to learn about the ins and outs and want a recomendation for someone in your area.  Believe me when I say the diet is not her issue neither will exercise fix it. Love her unconditionally and help her get to the cause instead of focusing on the 'effect' :) much love your way....it's all good