How do I motivate my wife - 2 1/2 years out?
My wife had gastic bypass surgery nearly two years ago. At her peak, she lost nearly 130 pounds. We met about four months after her surgery and were married about a year after that.
During our courtship, she was determined and committed to the long-term success of her surgery: she watched her diet carefully and exercised most every day. However, shortly after we were married, she fell off the wagon and gained over 40 lbs in a short amount of time.
After much discussion and many tears, she resumed her committments last January. As a result, she lost 25 of those 40 pounds. However, about a year ago, she once again stopped pursuing her goals and also stopped exercising. Although she does not eat 'bad' foods, she does binge on other fatty foods: avocados, hummus, nuts, etc. She has already gained back the 25 she lost and put on at least 20 more pounds.
I had another frank discussion with her. I remined her that I was holding her accountable just like she asked. But this time, it seems to have damaged our relationship. My wife and her close friends and family have told me many times over that our relationship has made her the happiest she has ever been. My wife tells me that she hates to upset me as I am the most precious thing in her life. But this food addiciton has more power than all of that. I can only imagine the war that goes on in her mind.
It is very difficult for me to handle her addiction. I feel that she won the lottery of life with her surgery and I can't stand to watch her undo it one spoonful at a time. All I want to do is encourage and support her. In an attempt to encourage her, I've been walking and biking on my own without her. I am afraid that this may backfire, however.
Another support group told me that I am codependent and controlling of my wife. I disagree; my motivation is love, support, and yes, fear. I fear that she may become unhealthy again. They also told me that I am completly powerless over her addiction and her lack of motivation.
(deactivated member)
on 2/27/12 9:45 pm
on 2/27/12 9:45 pm
Best wishes because it is hard just knowing you allowed your body to even endure the surgery then to fall off as I too an not fight to keep it off it's like (this is how I put it God gave us a tool an some abused it I started out at 270 lowest was 155 never got down to goal weight because my family especially husband freaked said I was loosing way to much looked toooo skinny so I did panic started snacking an it was all down hill from there had I got to my goal and worried about it later the people who said I was too small I'd be fine so now here I am 185 gaining an cant get a grip it's really strange how so many of my friends had surgery an have gained so much weight back good luck to your wife tell her to get control before its to late my anniversary is around the corner an I wana drop at least 10 wish me luck an I so wish her the best!!!!
Don't get side tracked with what others say about your weight loss...it's your journey. The change in your looks brings comments especially if it's someone that hasn't seen you in a while. They get used to the image they have of you...and you changed! That is not a bad thing.
As far as getting back on track - have you tried the 5 day pouch test? Google it if you don't know exactly what it is and how to do it! I guarantee you will lose weight and you will feel the restriction again. It doesn't matter if it's a lap-band or other procedure that was done...the 5 days of following the program helps to break the bad habits we've lapsed in to! Good luck...let us know how it works for you! Linda
As far as getting back on track - have you tried the 5 day pouch test? Google it if you don't know exactly what it is and how to do it! I guarantee you will lose weight and you will feel the restriction again. It doesn't matter if it's a lap-band or other procedure that was done...the 5 days of following the program helps to break the bad habits we've lapsed in to! Good luck...let us know how it works for you! Linda
My husband and I are involving ourselves in this WLS journey together. I think it is very nice that you are on here asking for advice on your wife's behalf. I do sympathize with your wife very much. We learned in the WLS classes (6 months of them) that the first two years are a gift, if one follows the dietary instructions, the weight comes off pretty quickly and easily. After that time it becomes more wotk. According to a lot of people on here, after WLS you never lose the "tool" --the resulting gastric bypass pouch is still present and if it is a lap band, that is still in place and manageable--and the DS is permanent. Going back to basics, 64 ounces of fluid a day, 3 meals ---1/4-1/2 cup each--protein focused and not drinking 30 min. before and after a meal. I have also learned and read that you never get rid of that "head hunger"....if we eat for comfort and pleasure and in times of stress, those feelings never go away. That is something to be worked through with the support of a loving spouse, friends and family. Other people have even had counseling for this. I don't think I would respond well if my spouse told me I needed to work on my addiction and was being critisized. A gentle approach would be best.....when you can really be open with one another.
Good Luck and hope your wife is doing well!
Good Luck and hope your wife is doing well!
HW 267/SW 243/CW 177/ GW160
She's well aware of the 'rules', but does not want to follow them. In fact, she now eats more than me! I've tried all approaches and she won't budge. So, I've been silently following the rules myself, as well as exercising and keeping a food diary, hoping this will somehow motivate her.
I am in constant angst because she is throwing away everything she worked so hard for. I cannot bear to watch her let it all go another minute.
I am in constant angst because she is throwing away everything she worked so hard for. I cannot bear to watch her let it all go another minute.
I applaud your desire to support your wife. Your love for her is evident.
That having been said, I agree with the support group's observation that you're treading over the line from support to control and codependance. Don't worry, I get it! I've been in both your shoes and her shoes (except for the part where there was surgery. No surgery to date =D).
My partner and I recently ran into this same wall as I have been in a binge/volume eating uptick, and he has watched me gain 65 pounds since we started dating. He doesn't mind the weight so much, but it kills him to hear me crying about it, or become suddenly sad when the topic of weight arises. He tried to help, same way as you are. I started to feel judged and controlled, and that only made me push back harder. I started to eat not in spite of, but out of spite. After a couple of arguments over it, we sat down and had a frank conversation about my needs, his needs and what it means to support.
Here's what we came up with, and it's been working for our relationship:
1) My eating disorder and food addictions are my problem, not his. He didn't cause it, he can't cure it, and he can't control it (sound familiar CODA & Al-Anon peeps?)
2) Focusing on the food only plays into the addiction/obsession. It makes food the centeral theme of the discussion, which makes food the central theme of my thought patterns, and thinking about food makes me head-hungry and makes me act out (read: overeat) more. So instead, I ask him to focus the dicussion/reminders/etc on the underlying emotional reasons why I eat. Please see #3 below.
3) It hurts him to see me in pain. He wants to support me, and I want his support - emotional support. Here's the breakdown of what that means in practical, real work application:
When he sees me engage in binging behavior, rather than pointing out the food intake and its detrimental effects, or the fact that it breaks rules, I've asked him to offer his emotional support for the underlying reason for the binge.
For example; I inhale my food very, very quickly when I binge. It is like a race against time, and I am trying to eat everything I can before the meal ends. It is like I believe every meal is the last meal I might see for months, like a bear preparing for hybernation. The underlying emotional reason: I fear deprivation. I had a history of childhood poverty, neglect and abuse, and the binging part of me fears that I will be suddenly lose all access to food. Weird and illogical, yes, but that's why it's called a disorder. So, what I've asked him to do if he sees me in that state is to give me some physical comfort - a hug, a squeeze of the hand, a caress on the back. This creates a tactile distraction from the binge state, and in that moment, he can kiss me and tell me that there will be plenty still here if I want more later, or that nothing and no one is going to take my food away from me. It's going to be OK. I've asked him to never say "slow down," "no need to rush," etc, as those are instructional in nature and feel controlling. However, the reminders that everything is going to be OK and I'm not going to be deprived today are reassurances and therefore supportive. They also manage to hit the binge trigger at its heart and snap me out of it.
There are probably more that I can't remember off of the top of my head as it's been a couple of months since this has been a problem for us, but I am happy to post more as I remember them. Good luck to you & your wife. =)
Somayeh
That having been said, I agree with the support group's observation that you're treading over the line from support to control and codependance. Don't worry, I get it! I've been in both your shoes and her shoes (except for the part where there was surgery. No surgery to date =D).
My partner and I recently ran into this same wall as I have been in a binge/volume eating uptick, and he has watched me gain 65 pounds since we started dating. He doesn't mind the weight so much, but it kills him to hear me crying about it, or become suddenly sad when the topic of weight arises. He tried to help, same way as you are. I started to feel judged and controlled, and that only made me push back harder. I started to eat not in spite of, but out of spite. After a couple of arguments over it, we sat down and had a frank conversation about my needs, his needs and what it means to support.
Here's what we came up with, and it's been working for our relationship:
1) My eating disorder and food addictions are my problem, not his. He didn't cause it, he can't cure it, and he can't control it (sound familiar CODA & Al-Anon peeps?)
2) Focusing on the food only plays into the addiction/obsession. It makes food the centeral theme of the discussion, which makes food the central theme of my thought patterns, and thinking about food makes me head-hungry and makes me act out (read: overeat) more. So instead, I ask him to focus the dicussion/reminders/etc on the underlying emotional reasons why I eat. Please see #3 below.
3) It hurts him to see me in pain. He wants to support me, and I want his support - emotional support. Here's the breakdown of what that means in practical, real work application:
When he sees me engage in binging behavior, rather than pointing out the food intake and its detrimental effects, or the fact that it breaks rules, I've asked him to offer his emotional support for the underlying reason for the binge.
For example; I inhale my food very, very quickly when I binge. It is like a race against time, and I am trying to eat everything I can before the meal ends. It is like I believe every meal is the last meal I might see for months, like a bear preparing for hybernation. The underlying emotional reason: I fear deprivation. I had a history of childhood poverty, neglect and abuse, and the binging part of me fears that I will be suddenly lose all access to food. Weird and illogical, yes, but that's why it's called a disorder. So, what I've asked him to do if he sees me in that state is to give me some physical comfort - a hug, a squeeze of the hand, a caress on the back. This creates a tactile distraction from the binge state, and in that moment, he can kiss me and tell me that there will be plenty still here if I want more later, or that nothing and no one is going to take my food away from me. It's going to be OK. I've asked him to never say "slow down," "no need to rush," etc, as those are instructional in nature and feel controlling. However, the reminders that everything is going to be OK and I'm not going to be deprived today are reassurances and therefore supportive. They also manage to hit the binge trigger at its heart and snap me out of it.
There are probably more that I can't remember off of the top of my head as it's been a couple of months since this has been a problem for us, but I am happy to post more as I remember them. Good luck to you & your wife. =)
Somayeh
Defining success by behaviors, feelings and NSVs! 
Thank you so much for your candid reply; I appreciate your insight.
I must note, however, that my wife doesn't binge, she grazes. Constantly. And unlike you, I have no idea what is driving this disorder. I've tried many times to talk to her about it; but she shuts down and becomes more concerned about upsetting me than the issue. If I just knew what drives and triggers it, I would focus on supporting the root cause. I've also asked her once what I could do to help her succeed. She told me that it was her problem and no amount of reasoning, begging, pleading or incentive would help. I have a hard time accepting that answer. When we met, she was focused and determined to succeed. Watching her give up breaks my heart.
I don't agree that her eating disorder and weight gain is just her problem. If her addiction is affecting me, then it's our problem. Yes, I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it, but it sure affects me and our relationship. My ex--wife was a gambling addict. My current wife is a food addict. I'm going crazy, and sometimes I just want out.
I must note, however, that my wife doesn't binge, she grazes. Constantly. And unlike you, I have no idea what is driving this disorder. I've tried many times to talk to her about it; but she shuts down and becomes more concerned about upsetting me than the issue. If I just knew what drives and triggers it, I would focus on supporting the root cause. I've also asked her once what I could do to help her succeed. She told me that it was her problem and no amount of reasoning, begging, pleading or incentive would help. I have a hard time accepting that answer. When we met, she was focused and determined to succeed. Watching her give up breaks my heart.
I don't agree that her eating disorder and weight gain is just her problem. If her addiction is affecting me, then it's our problem. Yes, I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it, but it sure affects me and our relationship. My ex--wife was a gambling addict. My current wife is a food addict. I'm going crazy, and sometimes I just want out.
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