Weight Lost and Loss of Friends Support

Has anyone had the experience where you had a friend that was really supportive of your surgery and the initial phases of recovery and then started getting snarky with you about your limitations and kinda being a meanie in a way that made you feel unsupported?

Just curious.

Sarah

nope ,never told anyone....Jealousy perhaps?

Maybe I'm not to sure what the change in her is. I mean I could be looking into it but she never treated me this way before. I tell everyone about my surgery...I'm bad with secrets because I feel like I am not being truthful when I fib about why I am loosing weight.

YES! YES! YES! 

A co-worker was very supportive at the beginning and now I get backhanded compliments from her.  And she even polices what I eat [I eat at my desk and she sits beside me] but if I dont accept food from her, she gets upset.   

I think it's jealousy.  She's always saying she needs to lose weight but hasnt really done anything about it.  I know it's hard...lord knows I KNOW that! 

My solution?? Im limiting my interactions with her.  Ive actually asked to move desks and Im doing that tomorrow.

Maybe i've just got an unusual group of friends/family/acquaintances, but i've never experienced that at all.

I have had a few friends who have completley come out of the wood work and become basically staples of my everyday life. They are constantly checking on me, supporting me with EVERYTHING I do and celebrating every single milestone I have achieved so far. BUT there are others that I have cut out of my life completely. I had one inparticalur who almost became too obesssive about my weight loss and kept telling me " I can't wait till your skinny" and calling me a "skinny *****"  because apparently fat Manda isn't good enough (let's be honest if you knew me in person I AM AWESOME and modest- ask Monica M.) that being said it became worse and worse (also comments along the lines of when I am skinner I will get around) and I had to cut them out and it's really been for the best.

In the end if you think you have someone that isn't good for you and is toxic... let them go because they will be no help to you becoming a healthier you.

you're not just awesome, you're f***ing awesome|!! fat skinny or in between, nothing will change what an amazing woman you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Its kinds funny you mention this... I have a BFF she is more like my sister, and she is super supportive and excited about my surgery...

She has run into a few strangers that have had the surgery and spoke to them first hand about it and seen some before and after pics and she had to call me and tell me how fantastic they did.

I think thought that when the weight starts to come off and I am smaller then her (she is a 14/16) I think the green eyed monster will come out of the shadows. 

I guess I will just have to wait and see

Yes this is the snarky experience I think I am talking about. She is plus size 18/20 while I always hovered larger at 24/26 plus. She has been working with a personal trainer for the last 5 months almost every other day (she really did fork out the cash big time for it) and has had great success and she's lost about 45 lbs and several sizes...while now she knows I am 3 weeks post and 6 weeks since opti and I've lost almost 40 lbs. Once this information sort of surfaced I noticed a distinct difference in her overall attitude around me. Some remarks directed at me, things like "for your whole life???" with shock and awe when I was talking about my vitamins...but not in a supportive way, but like a "omg sucks to be you" kinda way...and I can't help but feel there is resentment because my weight loss has been faster and achieved in a different way...anyway....there have been other things that have been said off the cuff and I took offense to them but haven't let on...so we will see if it passes or if it gets worse...but I guess like the advise of someone else on this thread earlier, you just have to move on from those that taint your well-being and let them be.

I think it's interesting what happens to the minds of others and not just our own on this journey.

xo Sarah

It hurts to lose a friend, or even to just redefine a friendship sometimes.  Many of us (people in general, not just WLS patients) don't realize how entrenched the roles that we play become in our relationships, until they start to change.

Your friend probably does not even see what she is doing, but it might be that one component of her friendship with you has been based on the fact that she feels better about herself when she is beside someone larger than her.  That does not necessarily invalidate any of the rest of the reasons she is your friend.  Or she is afraid of failing in her weight battle and can't direct that fear anywhere other than outward.

It is probably true that she isn't actually talking to you when she says or does things like that...she is in the midst of a conversation with herself, but is using the "outside her head" voice and you are the closest proxy.

That doesn't mean you have to take it.  Don't tolerate hurtful behaviour and don't minmize your success just to accommodate her insecurity***...but if you are going to try to get past it with the friendship intact, know that it says more about her than you, and what it does say is not necessarily that she is nasty or whatever...more likely that she is scared.

Sometimes relationships don't survive.  That's not necessarily a bad thing either.  It is a sign of growth and change.


***with respect to this point, see below...i try to live this as my own personal code of conduct and an obligation to those around me: