Anyone go through this.....NOT about pregnancy.

I suffer from depression/anxiety resulting from emotional abuse as a child. Only the last few years have I become aware of my problems with regards to my childhood, my parents did not hug, show affection, or tell me they loved me. I thought I had a perfect childhood but as I continue to talk with my therapist and assess my issues with eating and promiscuity in my teens it is directly related to NO affection from my parents while I was growing up. This has affected my adult relationships (I dont have friends) and it is hard for me to show any kind of emotion but the "I am the boss" mentality with my way or the highway. I continue trying to force myself to be happy but truth is I don't desire to do anything....AT ALL. I dont care to have friends, hobbies, etc... I DO however have too much anxiety regarding my daughter. I love her too much and am overly cautious and ALWAYS want to know what she is doing, what she eats all day (while at daycare), I call daycare at least twice a day, I worry she dosent go outside enough, I worry she dosent eat the right food, I worry I am a terrible mother, I want to do everything right because I NEVER want her to feel not loved or secure. I am due early August and want to try and help myself before then because I dont want what happened the first time to happen again. I took my daughter to the doctor 10 times before she was two months old...for anything if she was red, dry, crying for long time, had a rash you name it I went to the doctor. I want to enjoy the baby stage, because I was so freaking ANXIOUS and full of worry the first time it passed so damn fast and now it will never happen again. And I struggle every single damn day with I'm fat, I hate being fat, and I just dont want to be fat. My therapist dosent help much she just says I have to find peace within...WTF and how do I do that??

I am sorry that you never felt loved as a child. My husband's family is much like what you are describing, and his sister sounds much like what you are describing, and his brother turned to drugs. I am not sure how my DH turned out as ok as he is.

I asked him the other day, we were fighting about his family telling us how to parent, how many hands would it take to count the number of times his grandparents (who raised him) hugged, kissed, or told him that they loved him. After about five minutes, he stated that he couldn't do it because never, not once did they show affection. Sure, they didn't beat him, but emotional neglect is a horrible thing to impart on a child.

It sounds like you are attempting to not do that to your daughter. Which I commend you for- abuse sometimes passes through the generations! However, it sounds like you have become obsessed with preventing it. I am sure that the pregnancy hormones are not helping; they never do.

We all stuggle with the fat issue, and unfortunately I have no advice, it still upsets me but I am trying to not let it get to me as much.

Perhaps you should try a new therapist? Sounds like you may have exhausted this one and someone else may have a fresh idea. It never hurts to try.

Something I do with my hubby when he gets "messed up" b/c of all of this stuff, I try to make him look at it as if it was someone else. Perhaps you could try that.

Admitting that you know there is a problem is SUPER important, as is asking for help. I would say that you are on your way to a solution, I wish I could be more help.

PM me if you want to talk more.

Thank you for replying, my brother and sister turned to drugs as well (heroin) and also have depression problems. I am going to PM you as well.

Ok...so how you go about doing it nobody can answer for you.  It's a terrible thing to go through.

I was raped at the age of 17 1/2.  It was a "date rape" (I use that in quotes only because that does not mean that it was anything other than a rape)  I was over weight my entire childhood...never had a boyfriend in school...went to prom with a "friend" who basically didn't have a date either...etc etc etc.  So, anyway..long story short.  The guy who raped me was my first boyfriend.  I didn't say anything to anybody about it, nor did I break off the relationship because I was ALREADY so disgusted with myself due to my weight (I got my prom dress at a wedding store because at the time it was the only place I could find one that fit me right) that I allowed myself to believe that this A$$hole loved me even though I told him no and he continued.  And then I rationalized that he must absolutely ADORE me because we had sex.  Oy.

I went off to college...he started banging a girl behind my back...then he broke up with me when he couldn't hide it anymore (IE when I came home for a surprise weekend and found her at the house)

I didn't think the event had affected me....I thought I had handled it.  Up until I started dating my husband...and agreed (without any coaxing) to have sex with him.  Flashback city and OMG it's amazing the man stayed around for the aftermath, let alone for the rest of his life thus far.  It took a lot of work, a lot of tears, a lot of talking, a lot of understanding from both him and me.  For me, talking through it and writing about it (I had written poetry for a time and wouldn't you know...when I look back at it...almost ALL of it is about something to that effect) was what helped me.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice for you but thought maybe knowing somebody else had gone through at least something a little similar would help if just by a millimeter.

Pam

Thanks Pam for your reply. I am sorry for what happened to you, I guess we all have problems and its all the way we choose to deal with them. Yeah I thought I could handle this but I cannot, I keep feeling like I need to move away from my family (parents), we live only a few houses apart but maybe that is not the answer either, maybe I need to face the issue with a head on approach. We are planning on buying their house, but I have second thoughts because I never feel like anything is mine even buying it from them. I think I just need space, or I dont know what the hell I need, I am losing my mind!

Girl, find yourself another therapist!!! I have been there too. I had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood. The hubby and I are going to start TTC this month. I am scared to death that we are going to mess our kid up somehow. You just have to try to trust yourself. I know, easier said than done. Seriously tho, If that is all the therapist tells you with no advice or help on how to do it, I would find someone else.