Need some advice....

My fiance and I have a bit of a problem.  We are in the process of getting a lawyer so that he can take his ex-wife back to court so that he can see his 2 kids.  He hasn't seen his son in over 2 years and his daughter in about 7 months.  She just refuses to let him see them or talk to them on the phone.  She will not answer the phone if he calls and will not return his messages.  So we are going to take her back to court. 

Ok here is the problem.  When we moved back up here in September, we found out that she was pregnant.  Not a big deal, we don't care.  But then I found out I was pregnant in October.  Since he doesn't get to talk to his kids, they do not know about it and neither does his ex-wife.  We really didn't want to tell her right off because of the way she acts.  We knew that she would tell the kids that their father doesn't want them now because he is having a new baby, she would do that.  So we were going to let them know after her baby was born and we were in court.  Well, we found out last month that the baby was supposed to be born some time this month.  Yesterday, we found out that the baby did not make it.  From the story we have heard, from a third party, the cord was basically knotted around the baby's neck and he did not make it.  So needless to say, we are not sure what to do.  My fiance is not sure how long he should wait with the court stuff.  We are also not sure about how to go about telling his kids about this baby.  Especially since we have now found out this baby is a boy and they have just gone through the death of their brother.

So if anyone has any ideas, please let me know.  My fiance and I both feel really bad for her but he still has a right to see his children and he shouldn't have to put that on hold forever.  But we don't want to put anymore stress on her and the children.  We just need some ideas.

Ouch...what a tough situation! First off I think it depends on the ages of the children. I definitely would tell them in person. Not via their mother and not over the phone. Your baby will be here whether you tell them or not. I would wait for a good time and not make it a hasty revelation. 

Proceeding with the lawyer is the first thing that needs to happen. What does your legal paperwork say? Is it being followed? There are advocacy places that will help you to enforce the paperwork. Figure out what your state has available, start following the dictations of the legal paperwork and then don't ever stop.

Lastly- Document document document! What was said, when was it said, what was the reason the kids couldn't visit, what was said to them, what was bought for who, was the child support paid on time, were there extra efforts to have visitation...etc etc etc   

Good luck!

The court paperwork says he is supposed to be able to have unrestricted phone contact, which he doesn't get and he is supposed to see them every other weekend.  That doesn't happen either.  In the state of Maine, no one will enforce it.  Every time she fails to comply, you have to pay the money to file contempt on her.  Then you have to go back in front of the judge and do everything all over again.  They are just not very good about enforcing stuff up here.  We have gone through this before with her.  She will comply for a while and then she just decides that she doesn't want to and we have to file court papers on her again.

We do document everything.  We have all of the phone records that show he has tried to call them and no one will answer the phone or call back.  As for child support, it is taken directly out of his check so there is no problem there.  We try to send presents and stuff to the kids but we have no way of knowing if they ever get them.  He has started sending stuff by certified mail so they have to sign for it so we at least know it arrived at the house and someone accepted it.

As for telling them about the baby, I think we will wait a bit and start the court stuff first and see if he can get some kind of mediation so that he can speak to the children about the baby.  They are 12 and 10 so I'm not sure how it will go.

Thanks for the advice.

Girl, I feel for you and your fiance!  I would start the process with the lawyer as it will take some time!  Friend of the Court sucks that they make you pay for EVERYTHING and does NOTHING!  I sure hope a lawyer can get you somewhere so your fiance can see his children!  As far as your pregnancy is concerned....it is none of her business and I wouldn't be concerned about how this would make her feel as she don't care what she is doing to her children by not allowing them to see their dad!  It would be awesome if your finance could get some time with his kids so he can tell them himself and reassure them that he still loves and cares about them!  Is there anyway you could contact someone from her side of the family that would help you out to see or talk to the children?  I can tell you I also have children 10 and 12 years old from a previous marriage and they see and understand more than we know!  As much as they see, they still want to see the best in their parents and love them both anyway!  I can tell you, my ex has pulled some pretty crappy stuff on his children, but they still love him, forgive him and defend him.....though I know they understand it's wrong what he did!  I just hope for your fiance's sake that he has seen enough of his kids that they truely know their dad loves them no matter what his mom says!  It's important to get something established with the court system to allow him to see his kids!  They deserve to know thier father and that he loves them!  Once this is done, he can work to rebuild his relationship with his kids and they will see the baby as another addition to their family and not someone their dad is trying to replace them with!  Actions speak louder than words and by taking the steps with a lawyer, will show the kids in the end that their dad does LOVE them and wants to spend time with them and be part of their life!  AND that he fought for them!  Start the process NOW and don't worry about how the news of the baby will effect them or their mother as this should be 2nd importance and something that can be worked out once he can actually see his kids!  Best of luck!

I totally agree w/Hockeybabe.  The kids need to get... I mean really get, feel, experience their father's love.  Start the process now as it will take some time.  Maybe this reminder of how much their father does love them will help ease their sorrows about losing their brother.  Tragic situation - I do feel for his ex and her loss.  However that in no way should take away from ur bf's rights with his children.  And yes, I think that ur bf should tell his kids about ur pg in person.


big hugs!