All,

My spouse is the only one besides those I've met here who knows about my plans to have wls. I have wanted this surgery for a very long time. Many years back I talked to my daughters about this and they responded that if I just ate heathier food and exercised more I could lose weight on my own. That was maybe 6 or more years ago. I believe they would still feel the same today. I also believe that my other family and friends would probably not be 100% supportive. My husband is not 100% supportive. I even told him that I wish I had a support person that was 100% supportive so he would not have to take me to the hospital or pick me up. I think he would rather much be playing tennis which I tell him is his first love because frankly that's just about where I think I stand.

I believe I found a competent surgeon and I don't think I will have any problems. But what if I die on the table and never have a chance to say I love you to these people. I thought about writing letters to the few I really would want to express something to but I think it may just **** them off even more.

Anyway, I truly would rather not tell anyone else ever. It is not that I am embarrassed about getting the surgery. It is just that I am a very private person and I don't want to talk about it.

Is it wrong or selfish to do this and feel this way?

Thanks for your thoughts...

You don't have to share anything with anyone you choose not to.  If you know the reaction will be negative, why do it?  You've got enough stress preparing for it - don't add to it by inviting negative comments.

And the chances of you, or anyone, dying on the table are LESS THAN 0.1%.  And those who do usually had many and severe pre-existing conditions/complications.

This is the one time it's ALL about you.  Nobody else.  You need to be selfish or you won't follow through.

Good luck.

Its absolutely not selfish cause your choice to tell whoever you want. your family is not having WLS you are its your body and your life and if they have something negative to say then thats just their oppinion. I didnt tell hardly anyone when I had my surgery and honestly I am really not sure who knows about it now. I like your idea of writing them all letters in case you pass on the table and Im sure it would mean a whole lot more to have something from you than nothing at all. Whatever you decide you have already made the hardest choice and that is to go through with WLS and accept that you need help. Good luck and I will be praying for ya :)

You are NOT a bad person.  The decision to have surgery is personal and it's your business.. share it only when you feel that it is necessary or when you feel comfortable.  
 
I am really sorry that your husband isn't more supportive...

If it makes you feel better to write letters to those you love, then by all means, do it!  They don't have to be "If I die, know I loved you" letters.  Maybe just send out "I love you and was thinking of you" cards with a personal note. 

I wish you nothing but the best, and I'm sure you'll do great!

If you would feel better writing letters, write them and then put them somewhere that hubby would find them if something happened.  You don't have to tell him the letters are there.  Like, my partner, my mother and my sister know where my will is kept.  They know that in case something happens and they would have to find it.  They do not know that there are also letters to people in that file folder.  But there are and someone handling my affairs if I died would find them.

Tell whomever you want to tell and don't tell anyone you feel uncomfortable telling.  If you feel your husband isn't being as supportive as you'd like, find other support people.  does your surgeon has a support group?  Start going to that.  And tell your hubby specifically what you would like him to do in order to support you better.

 How about writing letters, placing them in envelopes and sealing them.  Hide them in a drawer to be found upon your death or give them to a trusted friend asking her to give them to your loved ones in case you die unexpectedly some day without having had the chance to say a proper good-bye.  You don't have to mention surgery, say it's a "just in case" deal.  

I did not tell my family and close friends until the weekend before my surgery. I wrote them an e-mail and told them what I was having done, why, my thoughts and my request for their support (even if they did not agree with it).

My husband and 18 year old daughter were not 100% supportive...but, in the end knew it was my decision and supported me through the surgery and recovery.

Don't feel selfish in your private decision to tell or not to tell. You have to be comfortable with it!

 It seems to me that the letter writing would be a good thing for YOU to do.  Sometimes we can let out in writing what we can't say in words.  It's your choice whether or not to destroy the letters.

Once I decided to have the surgery, good luck to ANYONE who tried to come between me and my decision.  You sound like you are that committed.  

The people who love us just don't understand the big picture.  They don't understand the disease process that got us to the place we are, and that surgery is a treatment option.  The option is an extremely important one for those of us in the 95% of people who don't succeed in dieting.  For some strange reason our loved ones (and even we ourselves) think we should be able to succeed in those odds.  

It is very sad that you feel your husband puts tennis before you.  I had serious troubles in my relationship in the years leading up to the surgery.  Let me just say those troubles would have existed even if I was thin.  Intimacy was gone - and by intimacy I mean the ability to have heart to heart open trusting and loving communication, and the knowledge of being loved even when not at my best.    

The decision to have surgery was very much about me stepping up and taking a HUGE step in favour of my health, well being and happiness.  It sounds that way for you too.    Many good things have flowed from that - not having the surgery, but the decision to take care of myself and value myself - and one of the things has been a tremendous improvement in my relationship with my husband.    

You sound like a caring and special person.  Take care of you!  Best of luck however you decide to handle it.

(ps.  you might also consider inviting your children to share this journey with you.  Sometimes people are not entirely supportive, but are willing to stick with you because they love you.  Give them lots of opportunity to learn - share good information with them to combat the "horror stories" they've heard.   Sometimes the conversion to being a "believer" is a slow process.   Again, entirely your call.  You do it the way it works for you.)

Of course you aren't wretched. You have to do what you need to do for yourself. I'm sorry to hear your husband and others are not very supportive of your decision. Maybe they are scared they will lose you. Those who have never been obese truly don't know how hard it is.

The letters are a great idea. I was going to do that even for people who knew about the surgery but ran out of time.

Praying for your complete healing and recovery!

Wynter

I agree with all that have responded thus far.  It is your decision - and can only be your decision.  It is sad and disheartening that you feel that you don't have someone to support you 100% - but you do have us!  I wonder a little if you are sure that you don't want to share this...you did open up to us.  I really like the idea of sending out letters with the "just thinking of you" mindset so that others will know how you feel - and will know whether or not anything happens during surgery.  You may be surprised at how a heartfelt letter will cause folks to come out of the woodwork and support you - even when they don't know about the wls.  My psychologist made a comment that those in a younger age bracket are usually seen as "having had something done" and those in a more mature age range are usually seen as "having cancer or some other sickness."  I don't want your new found shrinking body to make folks whisper over whether you've been nipped/tucked or are sick - but again, its really only your business. 
I'm not very far out from surgery - about 2.5 weeks post-op - but I'm already glad to have had it done.  The weight is still there - not rapidly dropping - and I'm still glad to have had it done.  I also had fears of "what could happen on the table" - and wrote letters that my family could find.  I'm thinking now that I should maybe share the letters just so they know that I love them.