Two Year Anniversary

 It was 2 years ago today.  My own personal remembrance day.  11 11 09.  It was the 11th hour as I hopped up onto the operating table.  I remember because the call to a moment of silence came over the loudspeaker.  

So - 2 years.  Started at 266.  Holding steady at 145 for the last 6 months or so.  Wearing size 10 bottoms, med - large up top.  I'm very happy with my body for the first time in my life.  At 59 years old I think I must have pretty good elasticity because I don't have too much saggy skin.  Oh, I have plenty - but not enough to make me feel unhappy with my body.  If I was 30 I would probably feel a little differently about that.

I've been through ecstasy, followed by terror, then deep depression.  All the while, I've been learning about myself and my relationship with my body.  There is true joy in riding my bike.  Lately, I've had episodes of going for little runs and feeling like I might just lift off... I think there is a book or movie with a title that describes the feeling - "the Incredible Lightness of Being."  I've never felt that way before.  In my big body I often felt like a mother bear ready for hibernation - with large rolls of fat and smooth muscle moving under my skin.  I did learn to love my big body - but it became clear to me that I was facing premature death - a genetic inheritance of big people, love for too much food, heart disease, high blood pressure - etc - and death from sudden massive heart attacks in the 6th decade.  I feel now that I can easily live into my 80s, God willing, if I can keep balanced - remembering that it is not just about food - it is about movement, and caring for my body, and yes, really digging this new "hot" me.  (Did I say hot?).

This is a process that is not finished.  I attend OA because whenever I manage to feel peaceful about food it is because I am attending those meetings.  Most of the time I don't feel peaceful - I still worry.  I don't weigh myself more than once per week  ... because daily weighing makes me compulsive and obsessive.  Learning to trust my body not to gain weight just because I didn't check every day!  

I visit these boards almost daily.... but have put some space inbetween there too.  Most of the time I feel reassured and supported... just because I come and read about everyone going through everything so bravely.  But sometimes I'll read something that makes me start worrying - it is not about the person who wrote it - it is about how it hits me...

I have that "ideal normal person" in my imagination who doesn't fret about food, eats normally, doesn't gain or lose, and enjoys moderate exercise.  The ideal normal person doesn't fret about scales, or visiting OH at all!  So, at all times I suppose I am holding myself up in comparison to this imagined person.  It is quite possible that she does not really exist for me in this lifetime.  If there is such a thing as karma, then perhaps it is mine to carry this burden with me.  But I digress....

Thanks to everyone here...   saying a heartfelt prayer of gratitude for all of you tonight.  

Happy Surgiversary to you!! You are doing great!! Can't wait to be where you are someday!

Wynter

Happy surgiversary!  I would argue that even those "ideal normal people" who don't fret about food, etc. probably still have their own crosses to bear.  None of us embody perfection... we're all works in progress.  You are respecting your body in a new way and it is giving you health in return... that is a very good balance.  Don't underestimate how far you've come!  Blessings in your continued journey!

 Congrats!!!! Great inspiration for me! Thanks!

Thanks for sharing. I remember your journey. You're right, it's an ongoing process that will last a lifetime for us. I don't have an ideal normal person image in my mind because I don't think she exists. I watch my normal friends, and everyone has some issue with food (except my skinny assed husband LOL). I understand what you mean about visiting OH every day yet putting distance between you and it. I'm the same way. I'm picky about what I'll read because I know certain posts will make me question my journey, and I don't want that.

Congratulations for being such a big success!!!!! Good luck in the future.
Jan

Wishing you wonder and joy. I have learned so much from you...sending you warmth and strength.

 Thank you so much.  Your surgery date is Columbus day (I'm sure you know..), my husband's birthday, and also it is frequently Canadian Thanksgiving which is the 2nd Monday in October.

Good luck on your journey...   it just keeps getting more amazing ....   

What a interesting post. I want to meet that ideal normal person too. Sometimes I think I can be that person. I think it's an admirable goal.
I love riding my bike as well. I consider a great RNy gift.
Continued good luck to you.
Deb T.

 Yah...  I think I agree with you... I can sense that ideal person (with all of her flaws, of course) just beneath the surface.... just waiting for the go ahead... yeah, it's OKAY to be YOU!!!!   

Thanks for the good wishes, Deb.

True North

Thanx for your post----always great to hear from someone further out from me who is successful :)