Upset but not sure why

I'm pre-surgery and had my psych eleval last week--just got the letter from the doctor with his report--I guess he doesn't think I'm crazy but there are a couple of things he says in his report that have me upset. He says I blame my family for my being over weight.
Background,: I'm a twin (or at least I was- sister died 6 years ago),premature birth, born in the mid 1940's, sister got to come home almost 3 months before I did. Preemies in the 40's were in isolation--there was no holding, feeding, ect by parents only the nursing staff. Dad visited every day Mom didn't but she had a 5 year old and another new baby at home. Ok, I finally come home and Mom treats me as an interference to her already busy schedule and that's how I felt until the day she died. Remember babies in the 40's were kept on strict schedules and she had my sister on one so it probably was alot of trouble bringing another baby into that. Dad told me before he died that he didn't think my mother ever "bonded" with me. Be that as it may,the thing is I told the doctor that being overweight was of my own doing--no one forced me to eat and I did use food for comfort a lot. I wasn't blaming anyone I was just trying to explain my relationship with food. I guess I'm upset because it makes it seem like I'm not accepting any responsibility for me being overweight. I've always considered myself to be a responsible person--and I don't want the surgeon, the insurance company or anyone else thinking I can't take responsibility for myself after the surgery. Another thing he says is "after mutiple attempts at weight loss this patients MUST have all information for sucesful weight loss presented as requirements NOT options." What the heck does that mean ?? Of course I realize there are a lot of requirements after the surgery--if I haven't figured that out I have no business having the surgery. I'm sorry I'm probably just being  "anal" about this but the whole tone of his letter is just upsetting.  Thanks for letting me vent about this--any insights anyone wants to impart will be appreciated.

I'm so sorry.  I think the psych is kind of a jerk.  I'm surprised they sent you a copy of the letter.  I never saw mine.  Try, as hard as it may be, to shrug it off and move forward with any requirements.  Keep your eyes on the prize.  You are doing this for you!  ((hugs))

I think you need to step back for a moment and realize that the psych eval isn't there to attack you, or make you feel like less of a person, but to shed light on the issues that have gotten you to your current weight and what may keep you from being successful post surgery...and most of the time, these are issues that we may not realize or want to face.

From your story, it sounds like you may not outwardly blame your mom for your weight gain, but in a way, she is responsible. You felt unloved as a child, so you used food as comfort. You recognize that you do turn to food for comfort but not the deep underlying reasons why.

You may want to go back and talk to the person who did your psych eval, or continue therapy post-surgery, especially if the initial eval has been this upsetting to you.

Don't let it upset you too much.  I was the 4th one in my family to have wls - and we all saw the same psych - I was the only one to be referred for further counseling.  The only thing I could think of was that I admitted to emotional eating.  I thought that admitting it was a positive - and that I was owning my issue - apparently not so to the psych.  Not that further counseling is a bad thing, but the psych was a 4hr drive each way.... so not really an option.  If you can, continuing to work out these issues is a good idea.  If you can't, we'll be here for you!

Laura

I understand your story.  My oldest child was born in 1975 just under 3 months premature.  Even as late as the mid--70s parents were kept away.  It was not until she reached 4 pounds..her lightest was 2 lbs 4 ounces...were we allowed to touch her for the first time.  We had to stand behind the glass and look into the nursery where she was kept.  Odd thing....hospital staff would routinely stop by to see her...these were not neonatal staffers either. 

My husband and I were at the hospital multiple times daily.  She was my first, and bonding was never an issue.  I do understand your description of how preemies were socialized back into the family.

Your father must have been aware of your pain and must have wanted to help in someway.  He sounded kind.  From your post I know you know it was not your issue.  Nevertheless the pain was real and food surely must have been your comfort.  I know it was mine.  I don't blame my family for my obesity, however, the dynamics within my family were such that I turned to food to fill the vacuum.

Have you been in therapy.  If not, it might be a good idea to pursue.  If you have, do you feel you completed what you needed?  I was actually in therapy at the time I had my psych, and I think that was beneficial in my review.  They knew I was being proactive.

In the short time we are with the evaluators I often think they are forced to draw conclusions they might not make if they had extended time/extended visits with us.  I understand how this must have made you feel. 

Thanks everyone for your replies--I truly don't blame my birth or my mother's attitude for my weight problems ( or at least I never thought I did)--I've always figured she was doing the best she could and as women in that generation thought that was the right way to do things. My Dad tried to pick up the slack--coming home from work,making sure I had clean clothes on and feeding me--he said years later he felt my sister belonged to my mom and I belonged to him.
I'm beginning to think therapy might not be such a bad idea--the doctor told me every night before I go to bed he wants me to write in a journal and put down what ever happens during the day and how I feel about things. I've sat with this journal now for the last 2 days and I still have blank pages !!I just don't know how to get started on it--being a very private person is probably not helping any. Anyhow thank you for the replies--I want my weight loss journey to be successful so I guess I had better figure out just what this doctor wants me to do and get started on it.. Once again thank you.

You can explain to your surgeon that you do take responsibility for your eating, and that you were just trying to explain to the evaluator some of the things that may have influenced you to begin eating for comfort.  I don't think that taking responsibility means nothing outside of ourselves influenced us or had any effect on us.

I also don't think children are fully responsible for themselves.  So if you started poor eating habits in childhood, you weren't soley responsible for that.  As an adult, you now do have sole responsibility for yourself.  But habits we've practiced for years and years don't just disappear the day we reach adulthood.

As far as the part you don't understand what he means about you must have all information presented as requirements, you could call him and ask what that means.  But that seems sort of contradictory to me.  He seems to think you need to take responsibility for yourself, but that would mean having choices and be responsible to make the best choices yourself.  That's the opposite of having other people require you to do things.  And in truth, your surgeon can't require you to do anything.  he can refuse to operate if you don't do certain things.  But if you choose to, say, not exercise or to eat candy after surgery, your doctor cannot stop you.  It's up to you.

How about this for a starting place for your journal?  Write about how you feel about his letter.  Write about what you see as your responsibility with regard to your eating habits and your weight, and write about the things you think influenced your choices.  Write about what it means to you to feel like someone is judging you, and to be afraid your surgeon or insurance company will judge you, too.

Kelly, thanks for the reply--I think I will call and see if he will talk to me about his report. I did take your suggestion and last night I did write about how I felt about this report--how it upset me and how I really feel he got some things wrong about me--or perhaps I just didn't do a good enough job of explaining myself. Anyhow it's a start. He did say he was approving me for the surgery--now let's see what the surgeon has to say when I see him in 2 weeks.