OT - Need to talk to someone
I was told yesterday by my husband that I've been really long-winded with my writing lately, so I'll try to keep it short. Feel free to ask questions though.
Last week, my Dad's girlfriend and I got into a disagreement. I said some things I didn't mean, and apologized for them right away. During this disagreement, she was yelling at me, swearing at me, calling me names, etc. My husband said I handled myself very well. I kept calm, didn't yell, didn't point fingers, offered to sit down with her to work out a reasonable soultion, etc.
Misty, on the otherhand, was completely the opposite. Calling me names, yelling, pointing, making absurd accusations, etc.
2 weeks went by after that explosion by her, and I didn't hear a word from my Dad. During the argument, she said that she was breaking up with my Dad. I felt awful and I seriously felt like I was going through the divorce all over again. I cried for 3 days because I felt so bad. I didn't know if I was allowed to call his house (which they both live in together, and bought together), because she told me to I wasn't allowed over there ever again.
The Sunday before the 4th of July, my Dad wanted to go out for lunch. I could tell he was in a crabby mood, but chalked it up to him being irritated with Misty's girlfriends (they're kind of loud and obnoxious).
I asked him about him and Misty, and he proceeds to tell me, "Oh you women, and your grandiose ways of talking. You say things you don't mean all the time just to get a rise out of someone." I took offense to it, but didn't say anything initally. How dare my father lump me into a group of "oh you women", in such a derrogatory way. Misty, fine. Me? No way. That's not who I am.
He didn't want to talk about any of it though. So I emailed him on Monday. I told him that I was hurt by his comment. I was offended that he didn't at least tell Misty that she couldn't talk to me that way, or at least calm down. And if him and Misty have issues, they need to work it out because clearly they have issues.
You know what he does in response???
He emails me back (which is fine, because I was going to call him on Friday if he didn't respond). He then proceeds to tell me that I'm a pig, I'm fat, worthless, a ***** mean, rude, a liar, and basically an overall piece of **** I'm paraphrasing what he said by the way... He didn't outright call me a "pig", but he said I keep a messy home and I need to clean it up and stop playing computer games, and lying about my migraines.
He then proceeds to call my mom (his ex-wife), some really bad names, and then says that he feels sorry for her new husband because my mom is such an awful person. My Dad's no saint either. He had an affair, and refused to patch up the relationship because he hates confrontation. He's been going from girlfriend to girlfriend for the past 11 years.
Deep down inside, I know that there is some truth to the things he's said. However, the other things he's saying isn't entirely true either. I'm so torn and so hurt. I used to be "daddy's little girl". But this? After what he's said... I'm so deeply and utterly hurt and lost.
My husband said that I shouldn't respond to him, and I'm not going to. I don't know how to even process any of this right now.
Oh, and to top this all off. Ever since my husband and I got married, his family (my In-Laws) haven't been speaking to us. We've tried EVERYTHING to get them to talk to us again. Nothing has worked. We've invited them to visit, sent emails, made phone calls, even went to visit them, and they are still refusing to speak to us. It's a long and drawn-out story... I won't get into the details, even though I totally could.
So my Dad says to me that my In-Laws not speaking to us and being mad at us is entirely my fault. That we need to invite them down and accept them open-armed. Uhm. We have, and they still don't speak to us.
So yeah... I just need a virtual hug... or something. It's hard right now because I'm at 263 lbs right now, my surgery is planned for sometime in January/February. I'm in month 2 of 6 for pre-op. I just gave up soday on the 5th of July, and to have this kind of a bomb dropped on me is really hard to accept. I realize that surgery won't fix this, I just need someone to talk to so I don't go off and buy some hostess cupcakes and a huge cherry coke.
Last week, my Dad's girlfriend and I got into a disagreement. I said some things I didn't mean, and apologized for them right away. During this disagreement, she was yelling at me, swearing at me, calling me names, etc. My husband said I handled myself very well. I kept calm, didn't yell, didn't point fingers, offered to sit down with her to work out a reasonable soultion, etc.
Misty, on the otherhand, was completely the opposite. Calling me names, yelling, pointing, making absurd accusations, etc.
2 weeks went by after that explosion by her, and I didn't hear a word from my Dad. During the argument, she said that she was breaking up with my Dad. I felt awful and I seriously felt like I was going through the divorce all over again. I cried for 3 days because I felt so bad. I didn't know if I was allowed to call his house (which they both live in together, and bought together), because she told me to I wasn't allowed over there ever again.
The Sunday before the 4th of July, my Dad wanted to go out for lunch. I could tell he was in a crabby mood, but chalked it up to him being irritated with Misty's girlfriends (they're kind of loud and obnoxious).
I asked him about him and Misty, and he proceeds to tell me, "Oh you women, and your grandiose ways of talking. You say things you don't mean all the time just to get a rise out of someone." I took offense to it, but didn't say anything initally. How dare my father lump me into a group of "oh you women", in such a derrogatory way. Misty, fine. Me? No way. That's not who I am.
He didn't want to talk about any of it though. So I emailed him on Monday. I told him that I was hurt by his comment. I was offended that he didn't at least tell Misty that she couldn't talk to me that way, or at least calm down. And if him and Misty have issues, they need to work it out because clearly they have issues.
You know what he does in response???
He emails me back (which is fine, because I was going to call him on Friday if he didn't respond). He then proceeds to tell me that I'm a pig, I'm fat, worthless, a ***** mean, rude, a liar, and basically an overall piece of **** I'm paraphrasing what he said by the way... He didn't outright call me a "pig", but he said I keep a messy home and I need to clean it up and stop playing computer games, and lying about my migraines.
He then proceeds to call my mom (his ex-wife), some really bad names, and then says that he feels sorry for her new husband because my mom is such an awful person. My Dad's no saint either. He had an affair, and refused to patch up the relationship because he hates confrontation. He's been going from girlfriend to girlfriend for the past 11 years.
Deep down inside, I know that there is some truth to the things he's said. However, the other things he's saying isn't entirely true either. I'm so torn and so hurt. I used to be "daddy's little girl". But this? After what he's said... I'm so deeply and utterly hurt and lost.
My husband said that I shouldn't respond to him, and I'm not going to. I don't know how to even process any of this right now.
Oh, and to top this all off. Ever since my husband and I got married, his family (my In-Laws) haven't been speaking to us. We've tried EVERYTHING to get them to talk to us again. Nothing has worked. We've invited them to visit, sent emails, made phone calls, even went to visit them, and they are still refusing to speak to us. It's a long and drawn-out story... I won't get into the details, even though I totally could.
So my Dad says to me that my In-Laws not speaking to us and being mad at us is entirely my fault. That we need to invite them down and accept them open-armed. Uhm. We have, and they still don't speak to us.
So yeah... I just need a virtual hug... or something. It's hard right now because I'm at 263 lbs right now, my surgery is planned for sometime in January/February. I'm in month 2 of 6 for pre-op. I just gave up soday on the 5th of July, and to have this kind of a bomb dropped on me is really hard to accept. I realize that surgery won't fix this, I just need someone to talk to so I don't go off and buy some hostess cupcakes and a huge cherry coke.
Praying for you!
Sandy
HW 225, SW 219, GW 140, CW 124
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this right now. Heres a big hug! I know you need it. I come from a very very dysfunctional family too so I know how you feel. I think much of my stress eating habits early on came from all this sort of stuff. I took a long time but eventually I came to realize that I cannot change anyone else the only thing I can change is how I act and how I let their words and behaviors affect me. I am so proud that you did not holler back but tried to stay calm. As an adult I finally realized that both my mom and dad who divorced when I was 5 did the best they could but they were just humans and had their own baggage. At least I was able to come to peace with both of them before they died at young ages from complications from diabetes. Now I miss both of them often. Just keep doing what you can to stay sane-I finally ended up seeing a counselor I felt comfortable with for a while to talk these things out and get some peace for myself. And lastly, you don't want to go buy any cupcakes really--its just how we deal with these things. In reality when we do give in it just makes us feel worse. Feel free to vent here anytime that 's the best way to keep sane!
Thank you so much for the prayers and positive words.
I am seeing a counselor who I have an appointment with on Monday. I see him once every other week.
My Dad was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma so it's hard to go through this disagreement with him and not knowing how much time he has left. His diagnosis is barely stage 1... or it's stage 1 or something. It's not horrible, but not desireable either.
I'm just at a loss for where I continue from here, besides waiting, praying, and trying to think of a solution. My Dad says I need to talk it out with his girlfriend, but clearly we have some more issues now too!
I am seeing a counselor who I have an appointment with on Monday. I see him once every other week.
My Dad was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma so it's hard to go through this disagreement with him and not knowing how much time he has left. His diagnosis is barely stage 1... or it's stage 1 or something. It's not horrible, but not desireable either.
I'm just at a loss for where I continue from here, besides waiting, praying, and trying to think of a solution. My Dad says I need to talk it out with his girlfriend, but clearly we have some more issues now too!
I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. That was what I was going to suggest. It appears you are surrounded on all sides by "dysfunctionality" as far as family relationships go.
I hate you're going through this. I hope your marriage is a strong one, because that's one thing you should be able to cling to and find refuge in.
You can't do anything about how people conduct themselves. The only one you can do anything about is you. If you have a clear conscience, then to a large degree, you have to let all of the other go.
Oftentimes, dads are between a rock and a hard place if they have remarried and they are just trying to work it out with their wives (who they have to live with under the same roof). Unfortunately, this makes their relationships with their children take a back seat, at the best. Give it time. I bet he will come around.
Also, are you sure he sent that email and not his wife from his email address? Just a thought.
I hate you're going through this. I hope your marriage is a strong one, because that's one thing you should be able to cling to and find refuge in.
You can't do anything about how people conduct themselves. The only one you can do anything about is you. If you have a clear conscience, then to a large degree, you have to let all of the other go.
Oftentimes, dads are between a rock and a hard place if they have remarried and they are just trying to work it out with their wives (who they have to live with under the same roof). Unfortunately, this makes their relationships with their children take a back seat, at the best. Give it time. I bet he will come around.
Also, are you sure he sent that email and not his wife from his email address? Just a thought.
I'm sorry that you have a father that isn't supportive of you. That has to be awful - on the positive sounds like you have a wonderful supportive husband.
Sometimes as hard as it is family is toxic and have to be kept at a arms length. Don't let them stop you from your hard work!
Keep your chin up and HUGS!
Sometimes as hard as it is family is toxic and have to be kept at a arms length. Don't let them stop you from your hard work!
Keep your chin up and HUGS!
Totally unacceptable...first MOST of what you wrote has NOTHING to do with you!!! His girlfriend, his bad relationship...
this is a lesson I continue to learn...I can not solve peoples problems I can be an ear, a shoulder but not a solver... Obviously you are right there is more going on then you know but its up to them to deal with it...
My response to your dad would simply be. "I'm sorry you feel that way! Should you ever need me you know where to find me" ... and then leave it at that...
this is a lesson I continue to learn...I can not solve peoples problems I can be an ear, a shoulder but not a solver... Obviously you are right there is more going on then you know but its up to them to deal with it...
My response to your dad would simply be. "I'm sorry you feel that way! Should you ever need me you know where to find me" ... and then leave it at that...
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