I can't believe I am saying this...( vent)
But honestly, I am regretting my decision to have surgery. I know it is too late now.... But I need to vent. Sorry ladies and gents...
I wanted children so badly that I was willing to do anything to get them, including this surgery. I have been fat my whole life and even though I am big, I still married, got a job, moved away from my parents. etc. Now that it is over and I am 30 lbs down, I see it all crashing down around me. MY cats are the most wonderful things I have, my job is steady and pays ok. But now I am seriously doubting wanting to have children with my husband.
That is ok, but my marriage is really starting to suffer. We have a friend ( I use this loosely) He used to be a schoolmate of my DH. I tried to be friends with him too. HE has been in and out of trouble his whole life. right now he has a suspended liscence and a few felonies on his record although he has never been to actual jail. We kind of took him under our wing, spent money on him and bought him more than a few rounds of drinks thinking that he was going to be in jail for a long time. I know now, we were fools to do so, cause we have created a monster. My DH went from staying home and being good to making a lot of stupid decisions becuz he was hanging out with him. Drinking and driving are somethin I take very seriously due to being hit by one as a child. MY FIL is an alcoholic. I hate that my husband has been drinking with him and taking risks. He has since stopped doing the bar thing, but still hangs out with this guy drinking at his house ( a few beers on the patio) Now, his friend is ok sober, he is actually a pretty cool guy, but drunk he is a monster. I hate being with him now.
Since surgery, I had not spoken to his friend. He is a negative force in my life and I will not have it anymore. After making a huge scene at the bar my DH had an epiphany and decided that this was not worth risking his safety, his freedom or his marriage over. He said he was going to start going to AA stop drinking and stop hangin out with his friend. That was all well until this week. DH is invited to a party from an old classmate. I am a month post op and still cannot eat or drink most things. Instead of bringing me, he is bringing his friend. WTF is that? Bringing a known alcaholic pain in the butt scenemaker to this party instead of me. As soon as he gets a few drinks in he is going to create a scene and I dont want my hubby having a few beers and driving afterwards.
The bottom line is this: Am I over-reacting or am I ok in having a problem with this friendship continuing? I know it is only a matter of time before he gets into trouble again and I do not want my husband involved with him anymore. I know my DH works his ass off and going to school and taking care of our bills ( he is an accountant). I am now healthy enough to take care of the housework again and I am trying so hard to be a good wife. I am at the end of my rope now. I hate that drinking has become something that he needs to do! THANk you for listening to my rant. I am at a loss here.
I wanted children so badly that I was willing to do anything to get them, including this surgery. I have been fat my whole life and even though I am big, I still married, got a job, moved away from my parents. etc. Now that it is over and I am 30 lbs down, I see it all crashing down around me. MY cats are the most wonderful things I have, my job is steady and pays ok. But now I am seriously doubting wanting to have children with my husband.
That is ok, but my marriage is really starting to suffer. We have a friend ( I use this loosely) He used to be a schoolmate of my DH. I tried to be friends with him too. HE has been in and out of trouble his whole life. right now he has a suspended liscence and a few felonies on his record although he has never been to actual jail. We kind of took him under our wing, spent money on him and bought him more than a few rounds of drinks thinking that he was going to be in jail for a long time. I know now, we were fools to do so, cause we have created a monster. My DH went from staying home and being good to making a lot of stupid decisions becuz he was hanging out with him. Drinking and driving are somethin I take very seriously due to being hit by one as a child. MY FIL is an alcoholic. I hate that my husband has been drinking with him and taking risks. He has since stopped doing the bar thing, but still hangs out with this guy drinking at his house ( a few beers on the patio) Now, his friend is ok sober, he is actually a pretty cool guy, but drunk he is a monster. I hate being with him now.
Since surgery, I had not spoken to his friend. He is a negative force in my life and I will not have it anymore. After making a huge scene at the bar my DH had an epiphany and decided that this was not worth risking his safety, his freedom or his marriage over. He said he was going to start going to AA stop drinking and stop hangin out with his friend. That was all well until this week. DH is invited to a party from an old classmate. I am a month post op and still cannot eat or drink most things. Instead of bringing me, he is bringing his friend. WTF is that? Bringing a known alcaholic pain in the butt scenemaker to this party instead of me. As soon as he gets a few drinks in he is going to create a scene and I dont want my hubby having a few beers and driving afterwards.
The bottom line is this: Am I over-reacting or am I ok in having a problem with this friendship continuing? I know it is only a matter of time before he gets into trouble again and I do not want my husband involved with him anymore. I know my DH works his ass off and going to school and taking care of our bills ( he is an accountant). I am now healthy enough to take care of the housework again and I am trying so hard to be a good wife. I am at the end of my rope now. I hate that drinking has become something that he needs to do! THANk you for listening to my rant. I am at a loss here.
You, I've mistaken for destiny, but the truth is my legacy is not up to my genes...
It sounds like you are having a rough time and I don't blame you for being upset about your husband's friendship with this guy. However, I don't see how your surgery is to blame. This could/would have happened regardless of whether you had surgery or not. I hope your husband can realize that this friend is not good for him. Also, you don't have to stay home just because you had surgery. You can bring your own beverages/snack and socialize. After all, the party should be about socializing, not seeing how much people can eat or drink. I hope things work out for you and your hubby, and remember this surgery has already helped you to be healthier and you will only get better as the months go by.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Working on becoming a healthier me!
You need to take care of yourself first. You got this surgery for you and you need to focus as much as possible on yourself. As for your husband, perhaps a weekend away together alone might help shed some light on what you're feeling in a neutral territory where other influences won't be around. This would be a good opportunity to talk about some of the things you mentioned here.
From his reaction or words, or actions you will be able to determine if you're a priority in his life too. I have been through a similiar situation and it took a life threatning heart issue to wake my husband up to realize his drinking was going to kill him. He is sober today after five years, and I couldn't be more grateful. However, at the time, I was seriously considering leaving him because he was always going out with his friends and leaving me at home. It was not a fun situation and I completely understand what you're going through.
On that note, you did the surgery for yourself, it is time for you to put yourself #1. He needs to understand that in order for you two to have a future he has to help you achieve this. That means restraining himself so he can be there to support you.
I hope that helps you, I know how frustrating it can be. Hang in there!
From his reaction or words, or actions you will be able to determine if you're a priority in his life too. I have been through a similiar situation and it took a life threatning heart issue to wake my husband up to realize his drinking was going to kill him. He is sober today after five years, and I couldn't be more grateful. However, at the time, I was seriously considering leaving him because he was always going out with his friends and leaving me at home. It was not a fun situation and I completely understand what you're going through.
On that note, you did the surgery for yourself, it is time for you to put yourself #1. He needs to understand that in order for you two to have a future he has to help you achieve this. That means restraining himself so he can be there to support you.
I hope that helps you, I know how frustrating it can be. Hang in there!
Sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Check out Alanon it will help. Remember the surgery is a tool that is for your health. Health needs to come first just like you want for your husband. The surgery won't stop life from happening though. So go to the party bring your own food if you need too and have fun!
Congrats on choosing health for yourself too!
Congrats on choosing health for yourself too!
Decision made weight 265 SW 249 CW 153 9/4/12 next goal 145lbs OMG 
On August 29, 2012 at 12:44 AM Pacific Time, stephkaz wrote:
But honestly, I am regretting my decision to have surgery. I know it is too late now.... But I need to vent. Sorry ladies and gents... I wanted children so badly that I was willing to do anything to get them, including this surgery. I have been fat my whole life and even though I am big, I still married, got a job, moved away from my parents. etc. Now that it is over and I am 30 lbs down, I see it all crashing down around me. MY cats are the most wonderful things I have, my job is steady and pays ok. But now I am seriously doubting wanting to have children with my husband.
That is ok, but my marriage is really starting to suffer. We have a friend ( I use this loosely) He used to be a schoolmate of my DH. I tried to be friends with him too. HE has been in and out of trouble his whole life. right now he has a suspended liscence and a few felonies on his record although he has never been to actual jail. We kind of took him under our wing, spent money on him and bought him more than a few rounds of drinks thinking that he was going to be in jail for a long time. I know now, we were fools to do so, cause we have created a monster. My DH went from staying home and being good to making a lot of stupid decisions becuz he was hanging out with him. Drinking and driving are somethin I take very seriously due to being hit by one as a child. MY FIL is an alcoholic. I hate that my husband has been drinking with him and taking risks. He has since stopped doing the bar thing, but still hangs out with this guy drinking at his house ( a few beers on the patio) Now, his friend is ok sober, he is actually a pretty cool guy, but drunk he is a monster. I hate being with him now.
Since surgery, I had not spoken to his friend. He is a negative force in my life and I will not have it anymore. After making a huge scene at the bar my DH had an epiphany and decided that this was not worth risking his safety, his freedom or his marriage over. He said he was going to start going to AA stop drinking and stop hangin out with his friend. That was all well until this week. DH is invited to a party from an old classmate. I am a month post op and still cannot eat or drink most things. Instead of bringing me, he is bringing his friend. WTF is that? Bringing a known alcaholic pain in the butt scenemaker to this party instead of me. As soon as he gets a few drinks in he is going to create a scene and I dont want my hubby having a few beers and driving afterwards.
The bottom line is this: Am I over-reacting or am I ok in having a problem with this friendship continuing? I know it is only a matter of time before he gets into trouble again and I do not want my husband involved with him anymore. I know my DH works his ass off and going to school and taking care of our bills ( he is an accountant). I am now healthy enough to take care of the housework again and I am trying so hard to be a good wife. I am at the end of my rope now. I hate that drinking has become something that he needs to do! THANk you for listening to my rant. I am at a loss here.
I recommend focusing on your husband's behavior, not the friend. I suggest not blaming the friend for your husband's drinking and other issues. I get that hanging out with this guy might encourage your husband to drink and stuff, but in the end, your husband is responsible for his own actions.
Personally, substance abuse is a deal breaker for me in a relationship. If my partner had a drinking problem, the only way I would stay in the relationship would be if he got treatment for alcoholism. If he refused to get treatment, I'd be gone.
Kelly
Please note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. If you want medical advice, talk to your doctor. Whatever I post, there is probably some surgeon or other health care provider somewhere that disagrees with me. If you want to know what your surgeon thinks, then ask him or her. Check out my blog.
You shouldn't regret getting the surgery, it really has nothing to do with your husband's behavior. Addicts will do what they want and find ANY excuse to do it. Don't feel like your surgery is the cause of anything that your hubby does. Only HE can control his actions and take accountability for them.
Take care of you!
Take care of you!
Its just in the weeks since surgery, I have felt so bad that I have not been there for him and that I have not kept up with the house and that I can't stop him from having all these issues. I want him to get rid of this guy before something bad happens.
Right now, I am hormonal and I miss food. Not the crap food either. I miss broccoli and pickles and just want to eat like a normal human being again. I am so wound up i am making myself sick and not getting nearly enough protein or water in. I feel like I am being a ***** all the time. I dont think I am asking too much but I dont want him to think I am coming down on him. I know this is his own struggle and that alcoholism runs in his family. He says he is not like his dad, but I see it in him. I regret having the surgery because it turned everything upsidedown. We had plans to change our lifestyle and clean up and get our house and marrisge ready for a baby. A month in, I am miserable and we are fighting over him taking his friend to a party that I should be going with. He offered to have us both go, but I will not go anywhere near this guy. The thing is, there will be mostly Indian people there, and his friend is from India, and there will be a lot of indian food there. He feels I will not fit in, I cant eat the food and maybe his friend would feel more at home and behave with them. I went with my DH tonight and bought the bday boy his present.
Right now, I am hormonal and I miss food. Not the crap food either. I miss broccoli and pickles and just want to eat like a normal human being again. I am so wound up i am making myself sick and not getting nearly enough protein or water in. I feel like I am being a ***** all the time. I dont think I am asking too much but I dont want him to think I am coming down on him. I know this is his own struggle and that alcoholism runs in his family. He says he is not like his dad, but I see it in him. I regret having the surgery because it turned everything upsidedown. We had plans to change our lifestyle and clean up and get our house and marrisge ready for a baby. A month in, I am miserable and we are fighting over him taking his friend to a party that I should be going with. He offered to have us both go, but I will not go anywhere near this guy. The thing is, there will be mostly Indian people there, and his friend is from India, and there will be a lot of indian food there. He feels I will not fit in, I cant eat the food and maybe his friend would feel more at home and behave with them. I went with my DH tonight and bought the bday boy his present.
You, I've mistaken for destiny, but the truth is my legacy is not up to my genes...
Ok, flip this around for a minute. If it was your husband getting the surgery, would you be upset with him for the first few weeks because he wasn't cooking and cleaning and wasn't there for *you*?
Think about that a minute.
And since when are you his maid? Your husband is a grown man. He can handle some housework while his wife recovers from major surgery.
You had surgery a month ago. Your body is healing from MAJOR surgery, and your hormones ARE whacked. That's what happens to basically all of us. Now who needs to be there for who?!
Since you mentioned having a baby, I will say this: Surgery, in terms of its effect on your marriage, is alot like having a baby. It's going to highlight the problems and reveal all the weak spots you tried to sweep under rug as well as it'll reveal the strengths. As it has been said, the surgery didn't do it. Your husbands behavior is his own, and you need not take it on, nor should you shift the responsibility onto something else. The surgery is not to blame here. If you had a baby and he did this, would you say you wished you hadn't had the baby because the baby turned everything upside down? I hope not. I hope you'd instead hold him accountable for his own actions.
I don't want to tell anyone what to do in their marriage. Jeebus knows no one could've given me accurate advice on mine because even *I* didn't have all the information I should have, unfortunately. I was too trusting for my own good. I'm still getting new info on what a creep he was and just how well he hid it and we divorced over 2 years ago. But I think you're a very smart woman for stepping back and re-examining things and giving consideration to who you want kids with. I think us women, if we're really listening to our hearts, we know the answers to these things.
I am truly sorry for your pain, and your marriage problems. But it's time to think about yourself. You've got quite a journey ahead of you and deserve to enjoy your new life and succeed with it.
Think about that a minute.
And since when are you his maid? Your husband is a grown man. He can handle some housework while his wife recovers from major surgery.
You had surgery a month ago. Your body is healing from MAJOR surgery, and your hormones ARE whacked. That's what happens to basically all of us. Now who needs to be there for who?!
Since you mentioned having a baby, I will say this: Surgery, in terms of its effect on your marriage, is alot like having a baby. It's going to highlight the problems and reveal all the weak spots you tried to sweep under rug as well as it'll reveal the strengths. As it has been said, the surgery didn't do it. Your husbands behavior is his own, and you need not take it on, nor should you shift the responsibility onto something else. The surgery is not to blame here. If you had a baby and he did this, would you say you wished you hadn't had the baby because the baby turned everything upside down? I hope not. I hope you'd instead hold him accountable for his own actions.
I don't want to tell anyone what to do in their marriage. Jeebus knows no one could've given me accurate advice on mine because even *I* didn't have all the information I should have, unfortunately. I was too trusting for my own good. I'm still getting new info on what a creep he was and just how well he hid it and we divorced over 2 years ago. But I think you're a very smart woman for stepping back and re-examining things and giving consideration to who you want kids with. I think us women, if we're really listening to our hearts, we know the answers to these things.
I am truly sorry for your pain, and your marriage problems. But it's time to think about yourself. You've got quite a journey ahead of you and deserve to enjoy your new life and succeed with it.
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