Telling my dad, who thinks weight loss is defined by will power

Last week I told my children ages 14, 27, 29, 34 and 36 that I had decided to have RNY surgery. They were awesome!

However, my 88 year old dad lives with my husband and our 14 year old daughter. I am his caregiver. He has Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, and kidney disease-stage 2. He is from the old school, where will power and self determination is the answer to everything. I know that will power and making healthy choices is all part success, however, it is obvious that I have an addiction/love affair with food.

I went to my information session on Monday, and had my psych eval today. I know my insurance will cover everything, so I am in the waiting stage now. I have not told my dad about my plan for surgery. He will be against it. He won't believe the science behind WLS no matter who tells him. I dread telling him of my decision. My Dr. for the psych eval asked me what my greatest source of stress was.....well, it's Dad. It's his failing health physically and cognitively. I know I eat for comfort when the feelings of inadequacy get to be too much. REASON ONE for not telling Dad. 

He keeps asking me what I have learned at the doctor's visits. I just say I am weighing my options and learning a lot.

I don't think I will tell him until I have the official word from insurance and have all my pre-op tests. No use upsetting the cart in case something bad happens. Like bad test results etc.

If anyone has any suggestions how to break this to my narrow minded, but loving dad, yet narrow minded again, I would really appreciate it.  I dread, dread, dread it.

Sandy

ps, my husband is amazingly supportive, but "gets mad for me" when it comes to my dad and his archaic way of thinking. So, I feel I have to manage DH's emotions as well as my own sometimes.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that added stress. When I told those close to me, I prefaced it with that I had made this decision with my medical team and my husband and that I hoped they would respect my decision and my ability to decide what is best for me. Granted, I didn't have anyone as outright opposed as it seems your Dad might be, but it kinda took the wind out of people's sails before they could get too worked up. I turned it into a matter of them trusting ME to make good decisions rather than a matter of what their view on WLS was. Does that make sense? Anyway, just something I found useful. I hope you get many suggestions on how to handle it and find one that will work for you!

Amy

Thank you, Amy, that is exactly how I prefaced it when I told my adult children. Hope it works on my dad too!

I introduced my mother to a few long term successful post-ops.  They showed her their before pictures.  She was amazed at how wonderful they looked, asked them a few questions and decided that surgery was a good option for me.

I totally understand where you are coming from.  I had my first session with my therapist yesterday since I decided to go ahead with the testing for surgery.  My husband and two children and close friends that I have told are very supportive of my decision.  I have been struggling about telling my parents.  They tend to over react to everything and I also don't want them stressing out about all the "what if's".  My plan was to tell them when I had a surgery date scheduled.  My therapist (who I have been seeing for 5 years) suggested I wait until a week before my surgery.  The decision to go ahead with this is hard enough without having the stress of a family member trying to talk you out of it for THEIR own reasons.  I feel terrible about hiding this from them, but I know I am making the best decision for ME. 

Your husband gets mad at you because of your dad's feelings?  Or because of how you behave in response to your dad's feeling?  Because you can't control how your dad feels (or how your dad behaves, for that matter).  You can only control how you behave.

Anyway, I would just say "Dad, I'm going to be having surgery next month.  S0-and-so will be helping to take care of you while I'm in the hospital and while I'm recovering."

If he tries to tell you that you shouldn't have surgery, I would just say "I'm going to follow my doctor's advice here, Dad."

Agreed!

Exactly. 

My mother had Alzheimers and never knew, she passed away when I was 3 months  out.   Daddy lived 2 more years and still had a really sharp mind, but I never told him.  I just let him think I was really disciplined and changed my eating habits.  I knew he would worry himself to death

I am so sorry for the loss of both your parents. I think you are amazing for going through this without their support.

Thank you