Grief

Hi all. I've had a terrible few weeks. We were supposed to go to St Maarten with my in laws like every year. Got to the airport and my daughters passport had expired. So we had to cancel. Got home and decided to book Disneyworld for the next day.

Literally as we were walking into the magic kingdom my brother called to tell me my father was in the process of dying. He passed away on July 4th, 4 days into our trip.

We came home to North Carolina, settled the kids and then my husband and I got on a plane to Nebraska for the funeral. We came back a couple of days later. Up until that point, I had never left my kids overnight except when I had my surgery.

All that being said, I am a mess. I can't eat. I just want to sleep. I don't want to exercise or to see anyone. I've lost 7 pounds, putting me below what my surgeon recommends. I can't see the weight loss slowing down, since I literally feel nauseous even thinking about food.

I'm not looking for advice. I know this will sort itself out. I just needed to vent to someone who will understand and not constantly try to fix how I feel or make me eat. I love my husband, don't get me wrong- but he's pushing food at every turn. Well meaning friends are doing the same. I don't know how to make them see I'm just not hungry.

Anyway, just a vent. Thanks for listening.

I am so very sorry. Have you thought about gong to your dr and maybe getting something to help you for your depression? 

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm already on an anti depressant and anti anxiety meds. I think this is just normal grief, but if it lasts longer than it should...(which I have no idea how long that is) I will make an appt.

My mom died when I was 19 as well. You would think gong through this once I would have some soft of coping skills. But it's much harder having children of my own now.

I used to work for a hospice, and I'll tell you how we thought about "normal grief" and "pathological grief" then.  There's not a time limit for grieving.  It's normal if you are really sad for two weeks and it's normal if you are really sad for two months or longer.  When it becomes worrisome, and I don't like to say it's not normal because to me it makes sense that sometimes we have really strong reactions to the loss of someone important to us, but grief becomes worrisome when it makes it hard for us to do the things we need to do for very long.  For instance, if a loved one dies and you spend a day or two in bed and can't up to go to work or take care of your kids, that would be reasonable.  But if you spend a week or two in bed and can't get up for work and lose your job and can't take care of your kids and there is no one around to make sure they are getting fed, then that's something to be concerned about. 

Losing your appetite is normal, but if you go more than a few days without eating anything, then you're putting your health at risk.  If you can't bring yourself to at least eat a little after a few days, then you probably need to see your doctor and/or a therapist.  If you start thinking about suicide, you need to get help.  If you're not sure if you need to get hel*****t, then I think it makes sense to go talk to someone and get a professional opinion about whether or not what you're experiencing is normal or something to be worried about.

Thank you for your insight Kelly.

I want to sleep all day, but with a 6 year old and a 3 year old, that isn't an option. My kiddos are being cared for. I would never ever let that slide. They are my entire world. :) 

 

but I will say I am foggy and distracted. Not my usual self. I think a lot of it comes back to feeling so alone- no parents. At 36. It just hurts. 

 

Well, sometimes when people get really depressed, things slide because they have to.  When you're sick enough, you simply can't do it.  So the fact that you're able to do the things you really need to do is a sign you're not in terrible shape.

I understand being foggy and distracted.  You've had a terrible loss.  You feel alone and probably scared and probably incredibly sad.  Those are unpleasant feelings but very normal feelings.  You're not gonna be at your best for a little while.  You're gonna need some time to get your feet back under you.

Take it easy on yourself, ask for help when you need it (whether it's help watching the kids so you can get some extra rest or someone to talk to or whatever), be gentle with yourself, and let yourself feel.  There's no quick way around the feelings, unfortunately.  And try to take care of yourself, which means eating at least a little, or drinking a protein shake or something, so you don't end up getting sick.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs. 

The loss of a loved one is significant especially since your mother has already passed. You will grieve in your own way and time. I am sorry for your loss and hope you find peace in your heart soon.

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so hard to be under that much stress and also deal with our own body issues.  My husband is an angel, also, but he just doesn't understand what I go through and how to deal with my ups and downs. I'm new to this forum and haven't had my surgery yet, but already know that this is such a supportive and informative group here.  Sending you hugs.

Terri