To Tell or Not to Tell

I'm curious to hear from people if they told acquaintances and coworkers about their WLS.  My first instinct was not to tell anyone but family. But then I felt that course of action would make me feel like WLS was something to be ashamed of so I thought that I should tell people. Now I'm a little worried about how many people would think I had WLS because I was too weak or lazy to lose weight on my own -- even though I know how false that judgment is, I'm sure we've all encountered it.  BTW, I just started my pre-op program so I'm 6 months away from surgery.

There have been some lively debates on this question a number of times!  I told only my family and close friends (and a couple of coworkers) before I had surgery, but then was very open about it after the fact.  I have had two coworkers and my pharmacist decide to have the surgery (and know what they were getting into ahead of time because they watched me go through it).

I was honest about it for several reasons: 

First, because I wasn't ashamed of it.  (I had already dealt with my own shame of "having let myself get so huge" and not being able to lose the weight any other way.  It is a medical treatment fro a medical condition.  Once I accepted it internally, it didn't bother me to let others know.)

Second, because I didn't like the idea of lying and saying it was just "working with my doctor on diet and exercise". People are not stupid. If you have a LOT of weight to lose, they are going to figure it out (or at least suspect it) even if you don;t admit it. It is a lie because it leaves out the MOST IMPORTANT part of the equation (the surgery) and if other people who are MO/SMO see someone losing weight allegedly without surgery, it may very well just reinforce their own negative self-talk... "Look at how much she has lost... if I wasn't such a weak[/lazy/whatever] person, I could do it too" or "if she can do it, why can't I?!?  I am such a failure!"  I would never want a misrepresentation/lie from me to cause someone else who struggles with their weight to believe that I could do something they cannot and just give that evil, critical little voice in the back of their head any ammunition (and false ammunition at that!) for berating themselves!

Finally, the truth usually has a way of coming out eventually and I did not want to intentionally be misleading about it ("carefully watching my diet and moving more") and then have people find out the truth and feel lied to.  In a work setting, the last thing you want it to get a reputation for being dishonest (even if your medical details ARE no one else's business).  It also BECOMES a much bigger deal if you lie about it (either explicitly or by omission) and people find out the truth later.  Case in point #1: Starr Jones.  Case in point #2: Aretha Franklin.  It was only a story for 5 minutes when Al Roker had surgery, but because Starr and Aretha lied about it, it was in the news for weeks!

Finally, just because you admit to having had WLS does NOT mean that you have to discuss it with, or give details to, work colleagues or mere acquaintances.  You an be open about having had WLS but then politely decline to discuss it further.

Lora

Thank you ****rogirl.  You've really helped me cement my decision.  I've spent so much of my life being ashamed.  If I'm going to make this big change I think being more open and vulnerable will be an important part of the process for me.

Some people worry a lot about getting negative reactions from people, and I didn't tell everyone before I had surgery just because my mind was already made up and if someone didn't think I should have it, I didn't want to hear it, but I have not had anyone say anything negative to me about WLS in general in the almost 8 years since I had it.  (The closest thing was a former grad school colleague who also had WLS who said something snarky.)  If they were thinking something negative about it, they didn't say it. 

Most people expressed their good wishes for success and/or compliments on having the courage to do surgery in order to get healthy. I don't have a lot of generally negative people in my life, though, and I know that some people do.  When I told people before my surgery, I made it clear that the decision was made, and the surgery date was set (which probably also made it clear that I wasn't looking for opinions, LOL).

MANY of us find a new and improved self-image and self-love when we make a decision to do something about our weight.  I hope that will be the case for you.  It certainly sounds like you are starting off on the right foot!

(I have no doubt , though, that others will be along soon to tell you why you SHOULDN'T feel the need to tell people, that it is private, etc...  As I said, there have been some pretty intense debates about it.)

Lora

Lora nails this one. I never wanted to tell. I did wait till after the surgery. I didn't want my family to worry about me. Or have people tell me horror stories. 

It felt really good when I told people. I felt like the monkey was off my back. People will judge you in some cases and others will be supportive. I have learned that you can shut people down about talking too much about it such as when you are at a party and had enough questions. I change the subject to something about them. 

Best wishes to you.

great reply.  I am still struggling with this.  I don't want to tell but feel bad when everyone asks.

I am evasive but you are right. I don't anyone to ever think I am better than they are. 

I agree with this 100%.  I totally understand those that don't want to be totally open with it, but I've always felt telling people "I'm on a supervised diet program combined with exercise" just isn't truthful.  It may technically be true, but it is also very misleading.

In the months leading up to surgery, I told my close family at first.  I told my close friends about 2 months before surgery, and then the weekend before surgery, I sent a mass email to everyone at work and made a post on facebook.  I have literally only had one person give me any grief for it: everyone else has been very supportive.  Especially after I explain that the surgery not only helps with losing weight, but also with so many other health problems (diabetes for me).

And I also figured people would talk anyways.  I have a co-worker who lost 100 lbs in 4 months.  He says it is just through running and diet, and maybe it was.  But almost everyone around here is convinced that he had the surgery and doesn't want to tell.  That's his right, of course, but I didn't want to deal with the rumors.  

I had failed at controlling my weight for over 20 years.  I'm definitely not going to be ashamed at having surgery.  I wanted a tool to help me finally be successful, and so far, I have been.  I'm sure there are some that think I was weak or lazy, but then again, I'm sure they already though that of me when I was 350 lbs.  

I've only told my boss so far, obviously because I'm going to miss a few days of work.  I just had my first consult appt on Fri so had no idea of a time line.  He says I'll be "fast tracking" and probably have my WLS in April!  I was surprised!  I still don't feel compelled to tell anyone, not because I'm ashamed, but because I don't want their opinions about my decision.  I don't intend to hide the fact of HOW I'm losing so much weight, once it happens, but for the interim time I want only my doctor, the nutritionist, the psychologist and myself involved in any conversations.  Good luck to you!

It was a big deal in my life seven years ago and I told everyone.  Now it is no longer something that I bring up with new acquaintances. 

One problem with keeping it quiet is that you can stay under the radar and nobody is expecting you to lose weight or eat differently.  Because everyone knew about my surgery I was not going to be seen eating off plan and I was not going to not lose the weight.  My reputation and integrity was on the line.

After a year or so, you can go back to eating a lot of things that you cannot at first.  Because I had lots of food police watching me, I stayed away from the junk.  Now it is habit and I really don't want the bad stuff anymore, even when nobody is around.  Being thin means more to me than any meal or dessert.

Had to laugh White dove.  I was out of work for two weeks, over Valentines day and I came back last Monday to a pile of Valentines candy- (I didn't tell anyone before hand & haven't made up my mind yet on the after)  With the WLS so recent it wasn't really a temptation, but I could see how it might be a little further down the rd.  So this pile of candy was discretely dropped off on the breakroom table to be someone elses temptation.