My hubby does not want me to have surgery

First of all, I have to say that this is a great website. I live in Australia, and I am seriously thinking about having lapband surgery. I'm seeing the surgeoun on Tuesday, and he can do the surgery in about 4 weeks. My husband does not agree with me to have the surgery. He says that diet and excercise itself will work. I weigh about 130 kg (276 pounds?, BMI 46) I can't understand why he would not want me to have this done. I'm sure I'll be a lot happier person once I weigh a bit less. Are there any people out there that feel the same as my husband, and can tell me why they are against. I'll probably have it done anyway, this is something I have to do for myself, and I'd like to be around to see my childeren grow up!

Hi Astrid, I'm the one having surgery but maybe I can offer something to help you?? Perhaps your husband is against you having the lap band because he doesn't understand the surgery itself and the lifestyle afterwards. If you haven't already, gather some information for him and tell him that he needs to read it. My husband wasn't excited when I decided to have the surgery but the more I talked about it with him, brought him to my meetings with me, etc. he is very happy and proud of me that I came to such an important decision to help save my life. I think what really brought him around to understanding why I wanted the surgery is when I wrote my letter to the insurance company detailing my weight history, my family medical history and the reasons why I wanted the surgery - I had him read it and from that moment on he has been on my side totally and completely. Even though he knew how much I tried to lose weight, seeing all those efforts on paper and how they had failed me really brought it home to him. And seeing in black and white the bleak future I had to look forward to scared him more than the surgery itself. And if it really comes down to your husband just believing that this is perhaps an easy way out and you really only need diet and exercise - print out a few of the profiles from some of the wonderful people on this board and show him a) how much they struggled before the surgery and b) how hard they had to work after the surgery. I was one of those people who just kept thinking that this surgery was the easy way out, that with enough diet and exercise I would be "normal." I yo-yoed my way straight to 400lbs. Your husband could also have fears unrelated to the surgery. Like, once you have it, lose all your weight, are you going to leave him for someone more fit, more goodlooking than him? Men are just as insecure as we are, they just seem to hide it better. Try to get him to open up and be patient with him, we're not the only ones whose lives change after this surgery. Its a major step for everyone in your family. The bottom line is that you are having this surgery for yourself and that you should not deter from that path if this is what YOU'VE decided to do. Once you have this surgery and your husband sees the wonderful changes in you - well, I pray anyway, that he will see just how great your decision to have this surgery was. And how brave you were to make this decision even though he wasn't 100% behind it. I hope some of this helped. Feel free to email me. Take care and many blessings! rachel

My husband is so very much against the by pass surgery that I want. I am 62, 224 pounds,and 5 ft. 6 inches. I have diabetes and this surgery would help me in so many ways. He says I just need to watch what I eat and exercise. I have diabetic neuropathy in both feet and plantar facitis in one foot. It's hard to walk now. He threatned to call our insurance company and tell then that he doesn't approve the surgery. I pray that he comes around cause my doctor just gave me a June 14th surgery date. How are you doing after your surgery? Thank you for your message on your surgery. Pauline C.

Astrid, I'm in the boat with you. My husband is not wanting me to have the surgery. We have 2 beautiful children and he says what if something happens to you. I tell him that it is going to if I don't do something. I can't play and do the things that I want to do with my children. I need it for health reasons also. My feet and legs hurt so bad. He said to me the other day "woman you are going to be in a wheelchair before long if you don't go on a diet." I have told him many times but he just can't understand why that I can't do it myself. I just Pray that We all get healthy and able to do the little things in life again! Regina

Hi Astrid, I am almost 3 years post op...and I can totally relate to what you are saying. When I first approached the subject of WLS with my husband, the first words out of his mouth were "I forbid you to have that surgery. End of discussion." And it was the end of the discussion for a few weeks. He refused to discuss it...listen to me, anything. Even though a very dear friend of ours had had the surgery and she was about 3 months out and lost 100 lbs already. He would hear NOTHING about it. It took me a few weeks, I put together my research, learned the risks and the benefits of WLS...not just the "quick fix" that everyone thinks it is...and armed with knowledge and facts, I sat him down one night and told him, this is what I want, this is what I am doing...and I'm sorry if you don't agree with it, but I have to do this. Exercise and diet have not worked for me...you know that. I made my appointment with my surgeon and went on from there. Obviously, I went on to have my surgery and my husband's tune changed. He's now a very big WLS advocate. He tells many people that he encounters about my success with it. It is fear that is motivating your husband right now. Think about it...some surgeon is going to cut open his wife's insides and either put a silicone band around her stomach if you go with lapband, or if you go with rny, re-route her guts into a way that they were not originally. He's afraid for you...he's afraid of the risks and complications of a surgery...and he's afraid that this, like every other diet we have ever tried, is not going to work for us and you will end up disappointed. Take care...do your research...maybe even have him accompany you to the surgeon so that the doctor can explain it all to him. Have a Sparkling Day!! ~CAE~

Wow, I'm so glad to have come to this board because I'm gpoing through this right now. My husband is not wanting me to have the surgery. Because of certain cir****tances he's away from home so I sent him info about the surgery. He says after reading the info it appears there are more complications than good aspects. I can't get him to understand how it's going to be good for me and how the percentage of good outweighs the complications. When I see him I know it's going to be a big debate. I don't know what to do. I know I want this surgery. I've looked at the risks and they are a bit scary but I'm hoping that me being under 300 pounds, getting my diabetes and high cholesterol under control will decrease the risk of having complications. Can anyone help? Von

It is so ironic. My husband is having the surgery, and maybe its a gender thing, but even though I'm not entirely comfortable with it, I would never tell him "NO" or anything like that. Of course, I've never picked at him about either. We've been married for 15 years, and when we got married he was about 230 or so, so not skinny, but not the way he is now, which he won't even tell me. Yet, I love him desperately just the same. I don't care what size he is...I only want for him to be here with me... I went with him to the surgical consult (before the referral came through for the real thing) and at the end of that session, where the doctor (not a very touchy feely guy at all) clearly outlined the risks, I felt two things, first, certain that he would not get the referral, and second that if he did get it I would be absolutely terrified.... I suppose that we all react to being anxious differently, and my experience with men is that one of the ways they react to being worried is by taking control of the situation. I'm guessing that husbands are more prone to believing that they can "fix" it, or that things can be "fixed" without outside intervention. I personally am very conflicted about the possibility of surgery (actually, we have a date, so it's not really possible anymore, its definitive) I understand and want to be supportive of my husband's desire to have this done, while at the same time I am having my own nightmares about this very hard nose surgeon coming to the waiting room in November, peeling off his gloves, and saying "see, I told you all these things could happen, and this time they did..." followed by me having to explain to my children that they no longer have a dad...I just FEEL so much fear. I don't know enough about any of your husbands to be sure, but I also sense a little bit that perhaps they feel threatened. After all, you are going to become a "new" person, perhaps one that won't want them anymore...something to consider. A final possibilty is that men can feel like any kind of intervention from external sources is a sign of weakness, and one thing men don't like to feel is weak. My best guess, though is that it is a combination of these things -- fear that something will happen to you, the threat of a "new" you, a perception of the surgery as being "weak", because everyone knows that weight can be controlled through diet and exercise... I hope all of you hang in there, find other sources of support if you have to, and recognize that you are the only one who can decide for you that the surgery. No one else can change your behavior after the fact, no one else is actually going under the knife, and no one else has any direct power to make the choice. Good luck, both in the decision making process and in your ultimate decision itself.