What to share with my 11yo

Oh my, my surgery date is in 18 days. I have an 11 yo daughter. I don't know what to tell her about my plan. I never talk about my weight with anyone.  She is of a totally  normal weight and I don't want to mess her up for life! 

 

Suggestions.

 

thanks Julie

Do you have to tell her? Can you just tell her that you have to have a surgical procedure and that it will be ok?

How about just telling her that you have something wrong with your stomach that the doctor has to fix, and then you'll be eating differently for a while after that.  When you get back on regular food after your liquid/puree stages, encourage her to eat the same healthy stuff you do.  While she is a normal weight child, getting her in the habit of eating healthy now will be a big help for her in the future, as well as allowing you to keep the chips, pasta and goodies out of the house so they can't tempt you.

When she is older you can share more details with her.

Good luck on your journey!

Don't lie to your child. She will resent you for it later. As a middle school teacher, I can tell you that an 11 year old has the capacity to understand what you are going through. Having been born into an era where looks are more important that almost anything else, she knows that you are overweight. She will likely be proud of you for taking steps to better yourself and be healthy. Just sit her down and explain that you are taking steps to make yourself healthy and able to live a long life with her and your loved ones. If she is scared for you, take her with you to pre op appointments so she knows what is going on. If your surgeon has an ounce of bedside manner, she will probably find the entire process interesting (laparoscopic surgery, upper GI scans, etc). An unknown "mystery surgery" will be MUCH scarier than knowing exactly what is happening to you. As you know, at that age, their minds can run WILD. Plus, she will need to be prepared for lifestyle changes that are about to go down in the house! Everyone needs to be on Momma's team :)

I hope you haven't read any of this with snark or judgement. I mean NONE of either. Forums like this are tough sometimes when tone, inflection, and facial expressions are missing!!

I agree 100%

 

I also agree that honesty with children of this age is best. I have a 12 year old son and he knows of my plans. They are pretty self absorbed at this age and while she might worry some, I don't think it will keep her up at night. Also, you are about to start taking care of yourself and that will be important to share with her and teach her a healthier lifestyle.

I think you should be honest with her about your weight struggle, and that you are taking steps to change it.  Seeing a parent face a problem head on and tackle it with strength can only be inspiring!  You'll be giving her an invaluable life lesson about not giving up and doing what it takes to change a situation that is negative/unhealthy and totally within in your control to change. 

She may not understand why you came to the decision to have surgery (seems drastic to a lot of people) if you aren't open with her about WHY.  I think its SO important to be honest with kids, even little ones.  My son is 6.  I explained my weight struggle to him and how its harder for some people to lose weight than others.  I told him how the doctor was going to make my stomach smaller and which will help me to eat less and I will lose weight that way.  I told him what I'd be eating for a few months and how it would be different, but good for me.  I was afraid my NOT eating around him would make him uneasy/question what's going on and why I'm suddenly losing weight if I did NOT tell him what was going on.  He was worried for me before the surgery but he has been my little cheerleader since!  He even helped me with chores that he doesn't normally do and helped me put my socks on after surgery when bending over hurt! 

Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for sometimes, and I think it would be more confusing than helpful to be less than completely honest with her.  She's going to have questions that go unanswered if you don't tell her about your struggle and why you're doing this, and what to expect after, and that its a journey new to you as well.  

Let her be your cheerleader!  I'm sure she'll support you, you're her mom!

I also agree you should not lie to your daughter.  It would be better to choose to tell her nothing, or very little.  Personally though, I think you need to have a open and honest conversation minus the risk factors.  My daughter was 12 when i had it done, and she handled it very well.  I would recommend that you explain that you are:

1.  Have surgery for weight loss

2. The surgery will help to immensly improve your overall health- drop comorbitities (explain what that means), make it easier to move, and that you are looking forward to all of the things you will be able to do as a mom that is either difficult or not possible currently.  Give her some examples that are tangible and meaningful to her.  

3.  Explain that due to the surgery there is a recovery period and prepare her for what to expect from a physical standpoint.  You may have trouble getting up and down from a chair for a few days, unable to lift anything for  while, gas pain will be a nuisance for 4-5 days, you will tire quickly... those are the major ones.

4.  Surgery will cause emotional bumps potentially- hormones released may trigger you to be a bit more weepy than normal, buyer's remorse... if you talk to her about it prior to surgery and she sees it after she will be much more understanding and it will be less scary seeing mom cry should that happen.

5.  Talk specifically about diet.  She should be prepped on what it will look like eating wise for you- especially for the first 6 weeks.  Explain why it is important (let the tummy heal) and that you may struggle with head hunger.  This is a good point to talk to her about how she can help support you.... assist in keeping junk food out of the house or at least hidden, or whatever is prudent in your situation.  Kids like and need to help, so think of some simply things that she can do that will help to empower her throughout this process.

6.  My daughter couldn't get enough when it came to the topic of nutrition.  She was fascinated with protein, carbs, impact of choices, just the whole concept of nutrition.  I ended up going out and buying her a comprehensive book on super foods.  It was not in a unhealthy way- no problems with her starving herself of anything.  To this day the nutrition lessons are being practiced by here and she is a very healthy eater and a very healthy weight.  

Here is what I would avoid"

1.  Do not cast your insecurities onto your daughter.  Remember, you have the problem with obesity- not her.  Keep that separate.

2.  Keep it positive.  Be patient.  Look for hints that she may need to talk about things.  Everything listed above is a lot- you many need to take it in small chunks.

3.  Do not make her the caretaker.  It is a role that children naturally gravitate toward.  This is distinctly different than empowering her and her supporting you.  

Remember, you know your daughter best.  Follow your intuition and just make sure you are thinking about what is best for her and her needs.  Good luck!

I don't have children, but I do know that when my mother had a hysterectomy for cancer back in the 1960's, no one told me what was going on.  And back then, children weren't allowed in the hospital, believe it or not!  I wish that someone would have explained to me in terms that my age level would understand what was happening.  All I remember is the incredible fear and my parents disappearing for a week.

My 5 year great-niece was around for my surgery.  I told her the truth - the doctor was going to fix my stomach.  I didn't say anything about weight loss.  A couple of weeks later, I showed her my scars.  She took it all in stride, and hasn't asked a single question since!  

A day or two prior to surgery, I would sit her down and explain that you're going to have stomach surgery, that it's perfectly safe, and that so and so will bring her in to see you soon afterwards.  Warn her that the medicine they give you in the hospital will make your words sound funny, but that you're fine.  Give her a task to perform so she feels part of the process; like picking out the perfect teddy bear for you to go home with.  Ask her if she has questions, and answer them honestly (with her age in mind).  

Post-surgery, once you're on real food again, I would suggest involving her in the learning process.  It's never too early to learn how to read food labels, for example.  You are the main teacher in her life; it's a great opportunity to give her life skills!  

Like I said, I don't have kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt.  My only experience was being a kid once, and I HATED it when there was a secret in the family that no one would talk about.  

I always go for honesty with children.  They are intuitive and will pick up on things you don't even realize.  Watching her role models go through issues and conquer them is an important part of her growth and learning to be a problem solver.  She may be a normal weight now and forever but if she has watched you eat she is picking up things you don't even realize.  Can't go wrong with honesty.