A lot of changes - they all said it would happen. . .but not this one!

I know that this forum is not supposed to be for "bleeding hearts"; it's intention is for support with the bariatric surgery.  Well, my problem seems to be about the bariatric surgery, or as my husband now calls it. . .my "elective surgery".  He was once my strongest advocate, now he is my harderst critic.  Instead of support, now I hear all about my "elective surgery".  This hurts.  I am only 12 weeks post-op today.  I do not know when the change happened and I do not know why.  I am not shoved one element of this process into his face, including how much I have lost, what I can and cannot eat, when I can eat, etc.  I am in tears right now as I write this.  He wants me to pay back every dime that HE invested in this "elective surgery".  All this came as a shock to me about how he feels now.  My doctor and my counselors said that there would be change, but I did not expect this kind. 

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this.  Some spouses, family, and even friends will have a hard time with this change.  It's a little unfortunate that they cannot just be fully supprortive but maybe in your husband's case, he is just seeing a big adjustment.  They see how little you eat and that might freak them out a little.  Believe me, it will not always be like this.  I am almost 3 years out and I can dine out somewhere; it's not so obvious anymore since I can eat a lot more than before.  Maybe he has some insecurities a well.  Maybe it's sinking in that you will start getting attention from others and sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow.  Your body will be changing at a rapid rate.  We have a hard enough time dealing with that.  We have to realize they are also dealing with our changing body too. 

I struggled with the fact that I was going thru an elective surgery myself.  I kinda beat myself up at first that I was too weak to do this on my own BUT that changes.  Some of us needs help, that extra tool to get us thru.  If I kept on with my eating habits and gaining more weight, it would have eventually caught up with me.  That in itself would have taken my life prematurely. 

I wish you the best thru this time.  The first several months are the toughest.  Stay connected with your husband & reinforce to him that you are both in this together.  Prove to him that you are making the most of your new WL journey and that the "packback" will reward you all in the end.

Keep us posted! 

Sorry to hear this.  I think when two people have issues between them, you need to talk it out, but start with both of you listening to each other, really listening.  Years ago when my wife and I had our first fight (of many), I was talking to a dear friend and I said something about what my wife said, and that it wasn't true.  I remember him telling me that if my significant other says it, then it;s true to her, doesn't matter if it's true to me or the rest of the world, it's true to her, so fix that, then you can move forward.  I have carried those words with me ever since then and after 30 years, I still have the love of my life and always will.

WLS may be looked at as "Elective" to some, but the life of an Obese person will be shorter than a healthy one, if not shorter, riddled with health issues that could far out way the cost of living healthy.  You chose the healthy life, Thats the elective part, the operation was a necessity to achieve that. 

Didn't you refer to him as your "husband"?  How, then is this "his investment" as if it were a loan?! or stock he now wants to sell?   Does not your marriage bring this venture  under the concept of financial community property?  I'm calling it all silly and immature bullcrap on his part- like when things don't go your way with the kids, they become YOUR kids, as though he has no part in the venture.  Twisted thinking--I know this must hurt like hell, but stand up to him the best you can!--Hoping for the best.

I'm sorry you are going through this without his support.

I would first remind him, that yes, it was elective - but medically necessary for your long term health.

Sounds like he is having issues with your changing body and how he perceives your personality to be changing too.  Is he obese too?  afraid you are leaving him behind?   are you off-plan and he is disappointed that you went through all of this to not make the needed changes?

if the normalcy of your routine together has changed a lot - like dining out, or sitting home watching TV instead of exercising or even sex drive changes - he may have a hard time adjusting.  you guys need to talk, see if there is a compromise to be made in the daily interactions, find new things to do together besides focusing on food.  I would get to a counselor that deals with bariatric patients and their families. 

my husband had a hard time adjusting to not eating out as much.  we still go out, but I order soup or something with chicken, or I split with one of our kids and bring home leftovers...I've found a way to still have the dinnertime connection with family without going off-plan.

the first thing is to get him to tell you why his attitude about the surgery changed, then you can go from there.

good luck!

I sincerely hope that your partner will consider couples therapy, or even solo therapy for himself, since it sounds like he's having serious problems adjusting to your new life. 

It also seems like he doesn't have a clue about how marriage works if he thinks you owe him the money paid for surgery!  I'm so sorry he's acting this way. 

Thank you for all your replies.  For him to see a counselor is out of the question - he truly believes he is right.  All this came up because he got angry that I asked him to put up a pan that he got out. . and he blew up, told me "no more television" and then this subject came up.  Guys, I am paying him back every last penny, I have a business flex account - I will be no man's debtor.  I just do not know how to proceed from here.  Thank you for the comment about counseling.  I want to look into seeing the man that I went to for pre-surgery counseling; he was extremely good.  As a Christian woman, that really believes this surgery was a blessing, I am looking for God's leadership.  But I know that sometimes God works through people like ya'll and through counselors.  Thank you! 

It sounds to me like something else is going on withg him and this is just how it's coming out. Some guys have no clue how to express what is really going on in his head. Could be as simple as he's scared to death you are gonna leave him now that you are on your way to getting "hot"! It certainly wouldn't be the first time after weight loss surgery. See that councelor and try to get your hubby to open up more about what the real problem is. Unless the surgery put you in the poor house there is no reason for his behavior about money.

I can assure you, we are not in the "poor house" - we are not rich though.  He makes in one (1) day, what it takes me two weeks to bring home.  That is why I cannot understand where this came from.

There are a lot of red flags here.  He sounds very manipulative and controlling, I daresay he sounds, at the least, borderline abusive.  It might be wise to start setting aside money that he has no access to and figuring out how to leave this relationship.  Especially if he is unwilling to work on it, which seems to be the case.  

Since you mention your religion, do you have clergy that you can turn to for counseling?  Perhaps that could involve your partner as well?