off topic- so irritated!

So my hubby has been overweight since we met four years ago. He was diagnosed with diabetes about a year before we got married. He lost a bunch of weight after his diagnosis, but he put that back on. Then in September, he had an EDG that confirmed celiac. Since going gluten free, he has slowly lost weight, but he is still at a very unhealthy weight and I am so frustrated because he knows he needs to lose weight but he won't do anything about it! He is so sensitive about his weight that I don't want to say anything because I don't want him to be sad. Plus, I'm not exactly a health expert, I'm still technally obese, though I am eating a lot better than 5 months ago. It just makes me so angry and sad... I am worried for his health because his grandfather and great grandfather both died in their 50s of heart related problems. I think he is depressed and he keeps saying he will see a therapist but he won't call and make an appointment! I feel like if I want him to go I need to do it for him! I really feel like he is being unfair to me. We are in our 20s and planning on starting a family soon, but I don't want to if he can't take care of himself! I just don't know what to do. Sorry, I just needed to get these thoughts out.

My husband is not over weight but doesn't take care of himself. I can tell him tell im blue in the face does no good. He has diebitis and drinks soda eats candy and anything with sugar. He thinks his meds are a fix all. So I don't no what to tell you because my husband doesn't listen.

I'm so sorry to hear that! It puts us in a very awkward position. 

Men are prideful people..

my hubby was going to do surgery over 5 yrs ago

somehow thru the grapevine his father heard that he was just asking 

questions about it, his father said something like

"you ain't doing that surgery right" and made it shameful for him

like he was letting his dad

down if he did it and he backed away..

fast forward 4 yrs and he had it done (last yr)

( after I went first) and he's down 130lbs no high blood pressure A1C normal..

but guess what..he never told his dad..I'm sure he assumes

what happened since we both dropped a ton of weight..

this has to be his decision, as the saying goes..you can lead a horse to water..

Sorry to tell you this hun but you need to go to therapy.  You cannot make him do anything but you can learn to set boundaries in your life and once you are in therapy maybe he will join you.  If you feel he is unwilling (note I didn't say unable) to take care of himself now do not have children, it will get worse the more you have to take care of in your life and you will feel as if you are raising 2 children.  Until you both are in a place of being the foundation of your house children will complicate and aggravate the problems in your marriage. Get into counselling, maybe he will join you.  At the very least you will learn how to set boundaries of behaviour.  I suggest a cognitive behavioural therapist.  It's the type I found gave me results, not just someone to vent to.

God bless, Michelle

Thanks for your reply!  I should have added that I am in therapy. Maybe down the road we will do couples therapy but for now I think he needs his own to talk to.

You need to tell him how you feel, that you don't want to start a family with someone who won't live long enough to parent the children, or be active with them.  you don't want to be widowed at age 45, don't want to be a single parent b/c he wasn't ready to take care of himself sooner.

Sounds like the first step for him is getting any depression in control, then work on his nutrition.  I hope he makes the changes he needs!

My husband is similar, diabetic at age 30, weight and diabetes are way out of control and other than taking his meds, he is doing nothing to change that.  In 2011 he said he was ready for surgery...went to a seminar - then nothing.  I was waiting for him to go first (I was pregnant with #2 at the time), I waited for him to go in 2012 - nope, 2013 wasn't looking promising either - so I started my process and went ahead without him.  Now he is finally getting started on his 6month pre-op stuff for surgery in early 2015.

It took 4 years for him to stop dragging his feet.

We want to try for baby #3 as soon as I am cleared to do so, but unless he is at a healthier place...I won't do it.

I feel your pain.  "Plus, I'm not exactly a health expert, I'm still technally obese, though I am eating a lot better than 5 months ago." really resonates with me too - even though I've lost almost 80 pounds I still feel like I have no leg to stand on giving people advice (even when they ask for it)!  

I've been with my partner, P, since 1995.  He was super thin then, since he was in the process of enlisting in the military.  But, over the years, he gained about 100 pounds.  I blame myself for some of it - I cook good food. ;)  I also took him with me on a diet that skewed the way he ate due to involving a cheat day so while he used to be able to snack in moderation, the diet we tried sort of retrained him to snack in ridiculous excess.  His dad is a super unhealthy guy and my partner has said, many times, that he doesn't want to end up like his dad.  My partner also battles with PTSD since he worked in the Pentagon back in 2000.  

All of these things suck.  His mental health, especially, has had a direct and extremely negative impact on our relationship.  His lack of desire to do anything for his body and his mind has generated no small amount of tears and frustration.  I've had a hard time loving someone who never acts like he loves, or even cares about, himself.  I've always said that my only deal breaker once in a relationship is refusal to work to fix things, but I've given him a billion second chances.  

And now?  I'm grateful that I have given him all those chances.  He's far from where he wants to be and where I'd like him to be, but he finally did seek out medication and it's working very well (after some trial and error).  He even said to me, the other day, "you know, I probably should have seen a therapist and I'm realizing now that I've really put you through hell."  What an amazing thing to hear him say and definitely words I never would have expected.  

He also started swimming.  An activity he loved in high school and really the only cardio he enjoys.  He tracks with Runkeeper, he brags at the dinner table about his new milestones.  He's lost about 20-25 pounds this year so far.  He actually weighs himself o_O  He rarely gets second helpings to the point where I had to ask him if he wasn't enjoying the food I was cooking.  Heh.  He rarely drinks soda and only when out, but has switched to unsweet tea for the most part.  

So that's what's going on.  Our relationship is still damaged, but I can finally see that it will have a chance to heal now that he's healing himself.  I'm healing myself too, and it certainly takes two to make these things work.  

I know that no amount of talking or discussion would have gotten him to this point, though.  Just like no amount of discussion about my weight and health would have gotten me to the point to consider WLS and finally taking control.  These are decisions that truly have to come from within each and every one of us, in our own time, when we're ready.  I do believe that my modeling of good behavior has helped to inspire P - and it helps that my other partner is a marathoner who also models good behavior.  I believe that cooking more protein forward foods has helped.  But these are all background things that are covert and not overt.  

So, in my opinion, this is the best we can do.  It's the best anyone could do for me when I was morbidly obese.  I model good behavior as best I can, I make sure that I only bring/make healthy food in the house, I don't suggest we eat out except on rare cir****tances, and I cheer all of his successes on and try to be as supportive of him as he has ALWAYS been to me, even when his life has been at its darkest.  

But if you decide that his lack of self-care is a deal breaker for you, that is TOTALLY fine too, and don't let anyone ever tell you any different.