Fears of promiscuity and going wild after losing weight

Please guys be gentle here with me because I am having real fears hear and need honest advice. I have been very overweight for about fifteen years now. I've also been with my husband for about two years longer than that. I only had once sexual partner before him. I also had drug and alcohol issues as a teen who was dealing with depression and a very bad home life. My marriage has been great for years until recently. We both just seem to have drifted apart some and for awhile I was afraid he was cheating although now I don't think so. We have worked opposite shifts for years so our kids didn't have to go to daycare and it has taken its toll. We have become more like friends or roommates than spouses. We've talked about it and plan on going to therapy.

This past August I came down with debilitating anxiety and panic to the point I had to take leave from work and just recently came back. I want to do marriage counseling but right now can only afford my own therapy and I've got to work on getting me into a better place. Now here is my question. Do any of you fear or have any of you dealt with losing all this weight and just sort of going nuts? I know a woman who ended up going out partying and being very promiscuous after she lost her weight. She was in an abusive marriage for decades though so her story was a bit different.

I have never cheated on my husband but I have always been one to have issues when someone pays attention to me. There is a manager at my job that for years has always paid attention to me and made me laugh and there was a time when if given the chance I may have cheated. I am ashamed of myself to say that because I have such a good husband. For some reason I have always found myself attracted to people being interested in me that shouldn't be. The one partner I had before my husband was a man 11 years my senior when I was in high school. In my stupid little high school girl mind I believed that he must really love me if he was risking going to jail to be with me. Now as an adult I realize he just used me for years for sex but I didn't know it then. As a teenager I also purposely flirted with and made out with a married boss I had at one job. Again it made me feel wanted and special.

These things were bad enough when being done by a teenager with abandonment issues, but repeating this as a married mother would be disgusting. I am in therapy and working hard on this but it is a real fear. I talked to my best friend of over 25 years today who has normally been against me having surgery. As the years have gone on and I haven't managed to get the weight off now she thinks I should do it. She told me her biggest fear for me was that I would crave and get so addicted to that attention, at least at first, and how it would affect everyone. I totally agree with her and the fear is paralyzing me.

Please don't attack me and tell me I'm a bad person because if you knew me I'm not the type that would hurt anyone. I realize that what I'm saying is terrible and I want to change it. But I'm just so afraid of losing my marriage and my entire life once I lose this weight. Even best case scenario scares me because everything about my life will be so different. I feel like I could most likely hold it together for the sake of my kids because I've always been able to but I just don't know. I want to discuss this with my husband but we are going through such a weird time that I just don't know. It really meant so much to me today when my friend was honest enough to tell me that she worried about this yet still thought I'd be better off in the long run. Part of her fear is that I was with my husband and had kids so young that I never really had that normal dating and going out type of process lots of people have and that I'd want that if I lost the weight.

Any advice on this? I'm just so afraid. My greatest hope would be that I would lose the weight and that my marriage would get better. To be honest though I'm just not sure at this point what will become of us. I want to be able to go out with my kids and husband and participate in things not just sit on the sidelines missing out. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that the thought of having attention paid to me again isn't an exciting thought.

I am now a size 6 sometime 4 depending on the brand si i do get a lot of looks from men but i don't let it go any further.  I love my husband and he treats me like a queen.  Are sex life is a lot better now because I'm not embarrassed of my body. It makes me feel good when other guys pay attention to me when i walk into a room I'm not gonna lie.  But i would never cheat. I think what makes my marriage good is we go out about every 6 weeks together without the kids. Don't worry you'll be fine.

What I know for sure is that any major life event will make weak marriages crumble and will make strong marriages stronger.  One of my co-workers and her husband both had WLS two years ago - they split up 6 months ago and will be divorced by the end of the year.  

My husband and I both had the surgery about a year apart from each other.  We've had to talk about things that have come up (insecurities, fears, etc.) but it's just made us stronger. 

The fact that you're in therapy and working on yourself speaks volumes to your commitment to get emotionally healthy and to your marriage.  I think you can do this.  

Hi Pengworm, 

Have you considered how you would feel if , when after you lose a lot of weight , and feel good in your own skin ,it's your husband who begins to make you feel special , and pay more attention to you ? Now ...Please don't misunderstand me here , I am not for second , suggesting that he would only pay attention to you if you lose weight . We all know how good we feel if we can lose some weight and what it can do for our confidence , which in turn , people respond to . And I think , as women , we kind of can manipulate some situations in our favor in that respect . I have no idea what is causing your current issues with your husband , but from what you've written , things don't sound horrible ,or unbearable . It sounds ( to me) that you guys maybe just need to reconnect again ? If you do this for yourself , and go on to feel confident and good in your own skin , then YOU can focus on what YOU want . and if it's your husband ( if you really want to save this marriage ) then nothing will stand in your way . And if he is just feeling kind of blah lately ,but still loves you and so on....He will respond to your vibe . Don't discount him in this process . Whatever it is that makes those other people drawn to you when you feel better , will work the same way on your husband .Focus on that . 

Yes you may receive some attention from other men / people ...but if you are turning all your attention to you and your man and family , no one else will be able to turn your head . 

I really hope you can find a good way to deal with everything , and yeah if you can swing it , therapy is awesome , but try some things yourself first and in the meantime . 

Good luck and I wish you the best . 

Jax xx

I think it is great that you are identifying these feelings and it should definitely be something you discuss with your psych before surgery.

My husband is my first and only partner, and after losing my weight, I just find him even more appealing - so there is no need to stray.  Sex is better, I am more confident, so he is more touchy feely now too b/c I don't squirm away when he makes a move.

It has helped our relationship in a way where I don't need to have a wandering eye.  Also - wearing wedding rings and giving off this air of confidence lets the guys I interact with know that I might seem desirable but am off-limits.

You've identified your fears/worries about your behavior after surgery - and you can control them. Focus your extra energy and confidence on your family, your health, and your happiness - you won't need an outside partner if you fill your time with yourself, your kids, and your husband.

Marriage counseling or some time together would help a lot too. 

I hope it all works out for you.  You have the power to make the right choices.  Cheating would not be a good thing, and you know it.

First,

May I start with I believe you? I believe that you have no desire to hurt your husband and that what you are dwelling on is very real. I am glad to read you are in therapy and working on it, and also wonder if perhaps your husband could join you on a few visits here and there to work on both you and the marriage at the same time. Not sure if all therapists are up for that, but perhaps.

You only outlined all of the negative things that "could" happen. Why not outline all of the positive things that you "can make' happen? Yes, you can lose all the weight. Instead of thinking that will lead you to promiscuity, it could indeed lead you to a higher self worth and acceptance that you are worthy of the love from your husband, and indeed very special. 

I guess when I read this my overriding thought is, cheating is a choice. Promiscuity is a choice. Being promiscuous with your husband (only) is also a choice! 

Now I get that us eating ourselves into oblivion was also a choice that all of us made. I do feel though that biology played a bit of a nasty role, and that is why surgery was needed- or at least in my case. So, not a fair comparison.

Keep going to therapy. Reframe your thinking to focus on what you can choose to do, and the positive aspects of getting surgery. 

Good luck in your journey.

I think you've touched on a very important subject here and the base of it is that big question - will we be the same person after the surgery? I think that you will hold true to your values and this is an excellent time to sit down and detail to yourself exactly what those values are. You love your husband, you treasure your marriage. This is an excellent place to start. 

I'm glad you're in therapy.  Are you talking to your therapist about this stuff?  I don't think you're a bad person.  And I don't think you were really responsible for your behavior as a teenager - I think the adults were responsible.  But now you're an adult and so you are responsible for your behavior now.  I think a good therapist can help you with this stuff.

Thank you all SO much. I was terrified to write this fearing that I would be judged. So many things that each and everyone of you said made so much sense. I would point them all at specifically but there was so much helpful advice in all the answers it would take forever.

I've thought about and I think the fear all boils down to who will I be after I lose the weight? Everything that I am has been so intertwined with my weight for all these years that I'm not sure who I am without it. Will I still want my husband? I hope so but I honestly don't know. My hope would be what many of you said that our relationship could and would improve. I'm also aware that it is like someone said a life changing event that could be the final straw when it comes to my marriage or the fact that I'm happier could make us both happier. The fear of the unknown is terrible.

I thank you all again for your insight without judgement. I'm working really hard on getting over my abandonment issues and it is a rough rode. I think there is always part of me that clings to anyone who shows me attention and even though I know it is pointless it seems to just happen. At the very least I'm aware of it now and know to watch for it.

All I can do is keep working on being the best me I can be for the people around me that I love. I have put everyone first for so long while I watched life pass me by and I'm done with that. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your advice.