Time flies

Nov 20, 2011

It's so hard to believe that it was only 2 years ago this week that I started my pre-op liquid diet.  Life has had it's ups and downs, but overall I'd have to say it's been amazing.

When I started this journey, I knew there would be changes.  I'd have to change my eating habits; change my sedentary lifestyle (always a work in progress ); change my way of thinking about my weight; and hit consignment stores as my body changed and sizes went down.  But it never truly sunk in how much all that weight I had gained had affected my life.  There was a dark cave I had crawled into and came out of only when necessarily.  I hid in larger baggier darker clothes - at least I thought I was hiding.  And it took almost two years for me to realize that I wasn't hiding.  I was projecting a message to everyone else around me how unhappy I was within myself.  My company is pretty good to work for - no company is perfect.  But there were serious problems at work by the time I chose WLS.  Now I can look back and see it was primarily me.  Another party was a major contribution - but only because I let them be.  My incredibly low self esteem and low self worth made me ripe for someone to come along and try to squash me like a bug.  They were almost successful.  Deciding on this surgery was unknowingly the first step I'd taking in regaining Amy Jackson back... it'd been so long since I'd seen her.

Yes.  I am back.  I'm not just like I was before the massive weight gain, thank God.  I'm better.  More knowledgeable.  More willing to admit when I'm completely at a loss and ask for help.  If a compliment comes my way, I no longer run the other direction.  And I think my husband loves that I am no longer hiding in a crowd when we go somewhere.  I've never been the type to want to be the center of attention & have no desire to start that now.  But really, 21 years ago I was raped.  The "r" word is still very hard to type or say out loud.  But I realize that was the beginning of my decline.  It started with drinking, then with drugs.  Once I'd pulled myself out of that lifestyle, I turned to my childhood best friend, comfort food.  During my comfort food phase, I met the most wonderful man who saw the inner me.  He married me not for who he thought I could be but he could see through my facade to who I already really was.  Years ago, after the assualt, I was upset about weight gain and discussing it with Victims Assistance counselor.  If I was "all better", why was my weight only going up?  Twenty years ago she told me it would come down when I was ready and not before.  Right or wrong, my psyche used that weight as some sort of protection.  But that armour began suffocating me.

"...when I was ready and not before."  Two years ago Dec 3rd, I was ready.  My office is primarily a female environment.  As my weight loss became more apparent, the majority of my coworkers became increasingly supportive.  It's like I'd become this big huge catapiller who was slowly shedding all the skin I'd been hiding under.  They began cheering me on and encouraging me and that helped so much.  Oh, there were the naysayers, "well of course she's loosing weight.  She cheated and had WLS."  I've learned to ignore them.  Or if they're bold enough to say it directly to me, I've offered to educate them.  Compliments now come my way.  I'm learning not to duck and hide.  Men are now noticing me.  That is kind of scarey - but becoming less and less scarey as my self-confidence grows.  I'm no longer the woman who was victimized all those years ago. 

Self doubt rears it's ugly head occasionally.  Comfort food calls to me occasionally.  I'm getting better and better at fighting both off.  God loves me.  My family loves me.  They always have.  What's really new and exciting?  Is now I'm beginning to love and appreciate myself. 

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