The Caterpillar

A caterpillar is a creature that is often overlooked, known to be a pest, despised, and seen as being ugly and worthless.  For the longest time, that was me. 

For as long as I can remember, I have always been fat.  Throughout school, I was always hiding off in the corner away from anyone else.  I was ignored, made fun of, and had few if any friends.  I hated who I was and truth be told, had I the guts to do it, by high school, I probably would have been dead.  I can remember several times when I would wake up in the middle of the night and stare at the knife block in the kitchen crying because I didn't have the nerve to kill myself though I wanted little else.  In fact, I graduated high school the year of the Littleton, CO shooting at Columbine High School and was told by one of my classmates that they were surprised it wasn't me in my school.

After graduation, I bounced job to job and just couldn't seem to get a handle on my life.  I couldn't live at my parent's house anymore and I couldn't keep a job to keep an apartment (though I was really good at getting jobs...)  In June of 2000, I had lost yet another job (one that I really liked) and became extremely depressed.  I essentially decided that I needed to disappear from reality and everything and everyone I knew and start over.  I left to a small town where I knew one person and left everything I had behind.  No body knew where I was for about a period of 3 months when I finally got sick enough that I moved back in with my parents.  I lived there for about a year, but was in a deep depression and finally in 2002, I went to Job Corps in Astoria, OR.
While there, I studied Nursing Assisting and earned my AA in Criminal Justice.  After Job Corps, I moved into an apartment in Oregon and had an impossible time finding a job.  I fell into another deep depression until I was forced to move back to Washington because I couldn't pay my rent.

When I got back up here, my 8 year old cousin was in the hospital with Leukemia and so I spent the first month or so essentially living at the hospital with her and her parents.  In December of 2004, I moved back in with my Mom and her roommate (my dad was in jail at the time) and fell into a deeper depression.  I started going back to the same church I was going to before moving to Astoria and that's when the changes really began.


In The Cocoon

After the caterpillar matures, it comes to a point where God wraps his arms around the caterpillar in the form of a cocoon and begins making changes from the unloved creature into the beautiful and treasured creature that is the butterfly.

As I began allowing myself to open up to the women in the church and allowing myself to grow closer to God, my self-image began to change as well.  I began slowly looking at myself through God's eyes instead of the eyes of man.  I began recognizing that in God's image, I am a princess (yes I am the daughter of the King); I am a beautiful bride and a ruby.  Though I am only one person, God chases after me with all he has because he loves me (and everyone) as though I were the only person on this earth.  As my confidence began to grow, doors were opened up for me that I had never imagined possible. 

I went in for a job interview in February and the interviewer looked at my resume and basically said thanks for coming, have a good life.  Three months later, I went back in for the same interview with the same person and within two days (as I was fired from my current job) was hired as a temp for the company I am working for now.  I worked as a temp for two months though my contract was for three, and was hired in August as a full time employee.  In September, my insurance benefits kicked in, and I began my WLS journey in October.  On November 14, I officially began my transformation assisted by Dr. David Simonowitz in Bellevue, WA and have never looked back. 

While in the hospital, I had no anxiety whatsoever and as I came out, I have had no complications.  I am loving life and already feel like I have ten times the energy I had when I went into the hospital.  This has been an amazing experience and I know God has brought me to this point. 

Right now, I will continue to rest in my cocoon, but soon, I know I will be the beautiful butterfly that God has called me to be- both physically and emotionally.

December 15, 2005
Well, yesterday I hit one month post-op.  I have lost 30 pounds and am feeling GREAT!!!  In fact, on Monday, I returned to work for the first time.  I am fortunate that my job is sitting at a computer taking customer calls, so it is not a very strenuous job.  I know that I could have returned to work sooner, but I wanted to make sure I was doing okay with my puree diet and that I wouldn't have to run to the bathroom in the middle of a call.

I am already noticing a huge increase in my energy levels, I am sleeping MUCH better that I was before hand, and am finding that unless I think about it or am with others who are eating, I seem to forget to eat.  The other problem I have been having is that I am unable to get all of my fluids in.

I am getting really excited because Pam and I are starting a support group in Marysville, WA at the library.  If you need more information on this, please email me with your phone number and I will give you the details.

December 30, 2005
I don't believe it!!!  Dr. Simonowitz retires tomorrow, so I wanted to have one more follow up with him before he's gone.  I went in yesterday and I have lost a total of 55 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!  I was having some pain over the weekend that I wanted to get checked out and Dr.S said it was probably over exertion from some of the throwing up I had experienced (I had a rough go at it over Christmas).

Yesterday at work, some lady who I know I've probably seen at least on occasion told me I have been melting away.  I couldn't believe it.  I know I've been fairly open about the surgery, but I wasn't expecting people to notice so soon.  This is SO GOOD! (and so GOD!)

January 31, 2006
Ok, so I've had a rough month- especially this last week and a half.  On the 19th, out of nowhere, I was in insanly severe abdominal pain and couldn't keep down anything- not even water.  I went into the ER asking about a possible blockage and they basically said no, here's a perscription, go home.  So, I went and got the perscriptions, and two days later, I'm still in pain and not keeping anything down.  At this point, starting to worry about dehydration, I went to the ER again and they said the same thing and gave me another perscription for neasea pills.  THEN, the following Thursday (1/26) I passed out in the bathroom at home and went to the ER AGAIN.  This time, they did a CT scan and guess what they found...an obstruction in the Y of my intestine.  Imagine that, the issue was exactly what I told them a week ago that it would be!  So they put me on an IV because by this time I had lost 20 pounds during that week and admitted me with the plan to transfer me to the hospital where I had my surgery in the morning (it was already midnight by this time).  For whatever reason, none of the local hospitals (including the one where I had my surgery) that performed bariatric surgery wanted to take me and the hospital that I went to didn't do the surgery, but I wound up staying there.  On Friday morning, they put a NG Tube down my throat for suction and had me on nothing by mouth.  Saturday, they sent me down for another x-ray and they found that the blockage had passed so they removed the tube and put me on a clear liquid diet.  I was released on Sunday and told to go back to where I was in my diet.  Monday, I went in to see Dr. Lauter who is taking over my after care since Simonowitz retired and he told me that he was planning on having me transfered that morning for surgery.  No hernia, no surgery- THANK GOD!  While in the hospital I managed to gain 10 pounds, and you will never hear me say this again, but I was really glad to gain the weight back.  So far I have lost 75 pounds in 11 weeks and what a difference it is making.

March 6, 2006
Well, it's been 3 1/2 months and I am feeling GREAT!  I haven't had any complications since I was in the hospital in January and in fact, I have been feeling better than I was before then.  I have been working out at Curves since the beginning of February and recently joined 24 Hour Fitness.  I have lost a total of 85 pounds at this point and a WHOPPING 35 INCHES!!!  I have been able to buy a pair of jeans in Wal-Mart and they are already falling off me (I could only justify buying one pair since I know I am loosing so fast).  Since before surgery, most of the clothes I was wearing were too tight for me because I could not find anything even in the plus size stores.  Now, I am beginning to swim in almost anything I own.  Even the "smaller" sizes are beginning to get too big for me.  Of all the complications to have, THIS is by far the best one!


4/26/2006
Not a whole lot to report.  I'm a little over 5 months post-op at this point and just got through my first major stall.  I have been stuck for the last 3 weeks and never thought I'd make the Century Club but lo-and-behold, I stepped on the scale today and there it is 286 - (that's my century club PLUS 2!)


2/16/2007
Ok, I feel like I'm drowning here!  I have not only not lost any weight since May, but I've gained 10 pounds!  I don't know how to get back on track.  I knew going into this that it wouldn't be a miracle cure or even an easy road, but I said I was going to do this right.  I did GREAT at the beginning and then look at me now - back to 296!!!  I am getting SO depressed and starting to feel like a failure.  I had some guy cut me apart and COMPLETELY rearrange my insides and here I am walking back into old habits.  I've tried going back to atleast one shake a day and it just doesn't happen.  And what's worse, is when I get depressed, I isolate, and when I isolate, I self medicate, and when I self medicate I EAT!!!  I need help getting back on track, and hate admitting that I need it.  I have a friend who had the same surgery with the same surgeon about 6 months before me, and yesterday, she told me that I am going to wind up killing myself if I keep on the track I am on (and then I go home and eat some more!)  I don't exercise as much as I know I should because by the time I get home it's dark and I leave at 5 in the morning for work (2 hours each way). 

8/18/2008
Well, I guess there's good news and bad news... and in a way, it's all the same thing.  I'm almost three (3) years out now and I'm down to 267 pounds!  The good news in that is that In the last year and a half, I haven't GAINED any weight - in fact, I AM still losing... s............l.........o.........w........l........y.......... The bad(ish) news is that I still have 100 pounds till goal and it's taken me a year to lose 30 pounds.  I know that a normal person can usually lose 2 pounds a week, so there's really no reason I shouldn't be at my goal weight by my birthday next year (then I'll REALLY have to think about plastic surgery) - if only I could get motivated again!!!
The last year, I've been fighting depression and have been on Welbutrin since January, and I've been taking both Topamax and Imatrex since last November for migraines so I don't knwo if that's causing any problems with the weight loss or not - I've actually started eating healthier recently, trying to get back on the wagon...

I'm getting ready to join the YMCA with my roommate in October after I move next month hoping that will motivate me to get back in the habit of working out - I actually like working out in the gym, and now that I have a car I might actually go...

I guess I just have to remember that I am NOT a failure at this surgery - I am still LOSING weight and I am NOT back where I was 3 years ago... or even 6 months ago!  I'm happier, I'm healthier, and I'm more confident then ever!

Oh yeah... Off scale victory... I 've never driven in Oregon before and went down there over the Fourth of July weekend to visit a friend.  When I went to get gas, the station I went to was a "mini-serve" (whatever that means!) so I had no idea what my role was in getting the gas from the pump to my tank and was watching the other drivers for queues... they were out of their cars, and some were even BY THE PUMPS!!! It didn't look any different to me than a gas station does in Washington - and I may be a girl, but I know how to pump my own gas - so I got out of the car, paid and started to put the pump in my tank, selected the grade I wanted, and then... one of the attendants came over to inform me that pumping your own gas is illeagal in the state of Oregon... Ok, fine... so I backed away, and he pulled the trigger and I walked back to the driver's side of the car.  We started small talking and I told him it was my first time driving in the state, that I was there visiting a frined and driving back to Washington the next day, and OUT OF NOWHERE he told me that he thought I AM CUTE!!!!!!

I know, I know, this shouldn't be a big deal, but this was COMPLETELY out of the blue and unsolisited, and from a complete stranger!!!  I've NEVER been told I was attractive - not even by close friends and for a complete stranger to say it...  AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (And it's not even like we were in a bar so I can't blame it on beer goggles!)

So, that's my first Off Scale Victory in quite some time, but it was a big one for me!