less than 24 hours

Dec 28, 2011

So today I have a pre-op appointment with my doctor. I'm having surgery tomorrow at 10:30!!! Today is clear liquids. It's gone alright....still waiting for my jello to gel :)

I don't know why but I'm not afraid of having the surgery, I'm afraid that I'm going to sabatoge the tool I have. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not living the life I was meant to and that's why I can't take care of myself....because I really don't like this life... in a lot of ways it was chosen for me. Where I live, my occupation, my job. I don't know..... Maybe all that stuff can wait, and I always get like this in the winter in Nebraska!!!!

Today it boils down to I have sleep apnea, I'm only 28 and I weigh 215lbs. I haven't been able to consistently stay below 200 lbs for a long time. My family history is scary - especially on my dad's side. I don't want any of that stuff!!! I don't want to be afraid of my weight taking me to the point where I have to be cut out of my house when I die or need medical treatment or for any reason really. I was doing pretty well today....staying busy and distracted....and then I took a nice long bath and as I slowed down my mind sped up!!!! Maybe this is normal....who knows. But it's my truth and where I am today. I'm afraid this won't work and I'll embarrass myself.....

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