I don't want to do this anymore

Jan 23, 2012

That's seriously what I thought at my first day back at work today. It's just such an unfriendly environment.....and today thier were fried cheese sticks in the cafeteria. I wanted one and then I was angry that I wanted one. That everyday I wake up wondering if I'm skinny yet and feel a bit disappointed when I realize I'm not and I wanted a fried cheese stick!!! I had lots of head hunger today. 12 hour monday!!! That'll do it...especially when you're a nurse at a drug and alcohol rehab center. Everyone wants something right this minutes....co-workers seem to be the worse. And I just remember when I felt the weight of the world on me and the pressure to have more information, be more efficient, be more and more and more. I had a few minutes during lunch where I would pick the most unhealthy thing I could find and just escape. No escape today. I seriously thought oh my God this is what they mean by it's "only a tool". I thought about fried cheese sticks all day and  during one of my daydreams about fried cheese, I started to panic because I I realized I could sabatoge this thing even 3 weeks out and I don't know how I would manage to survive that shame. I didn't go to the gym tonight....didn't get home 'till 8 and have to be back at 645....I feel guilty about it. I just feel like my serenity is slowly slipping away and it makes me very sad :( ...oh and don't even get me started on my marriage!

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