I haven't updated as well as I should have. I meant to keep my profile updated at least yearly. It's funny how you move on to other things so quickly after surgery.

As for an update, I am four years post op as of yesterday. A lot of things have happened. A pregnancy, nursing an infant, weaning, school kids and the things that brings. In total, I have lost nearly 200 lbs. Some days I have! I go up a couple of pounds and down a few here and there. Right now I'm hovering around 142 lbs. My doctor's goal was 145 lbs. When I hit it, I emailed his office and expressed my shock! I remember laughing when the nutritionist  seriously suggested that as my goal with a straight face and a very serious attitude.  I told her that I would be ecstatic with a healthy 200 lbs and if I hit 175 lbs, I'd cry! 

For someone who started out obese from a young age, I have not been this size since second grade or so! Shopping has been an experience. For some reason, I feel like everyone is staring at the fat girl when I go into shops with regular sizes, especially when I visit the intimates section. It is incredibly silly, but still a hang up. It wasn't something I considered an issue before! I also find I don't know how to properly put together outfits. Before it was jeans and tshirts, extra baggy tshirts! Not any more! The shirts have to fit or I am uncomfortable. Another funny thing to have change.

I still worry constantly that things will change and that I will have to struggle with weight gain. So far it has been relatively easy to maintain but I am not confident that age and such won't change that. I guess everyone lives with that constant fear at the back of their mind.

Overall, I am still very happy with my decision to have this surgery. Sometimes I get embarrassed when people ask me how I lost all of the weight. At first I didn't have much of a problem telling them I had surgery but now I pass it off and say things like, "Oh I just eat way less and watch what I eat much more closely!" which is the truth. Granted, if it is someone who I know is contemplation surgery or struggling with their own weight loss, I am honest. But the general public still looks down its nose. The easy way out, I get that a lot. Not so much anyone saying it, but you can see their demenor change and you know that's what they think. Funny thing is that I've had a couple of friends have the surgery and I think it has changed their minds. I always tell people, "It might look easy, and in some ways I guess it is, but it isn't all fun and games. There is a fair amount of work involved and I always deal with getting sick or dumping. Neither of which are pleasant experiences, friend!"

It has been fun though. I enjoy being thin, more than I thought I would. I love that my husband can pick me up and carry me around when he gets the inclination. I am having fun with my kids instead of dreading whatever activity because it would be hot and I'd be miserable or just plain unable to keep up. I marvel at my new body, the one that is thin and not like anything I've ever experienced, it's almost hilarious to me! One thing that I do not enjoy is being cold all the time. During a record breaking heat wave of 105*+ temps for nearly a month, I still get uncomfortable. Especially when going inside after being out for a moment. It would be silly to carry a jacket around with me, but the thought has certainly crossed my mind. It isn't unusual to find me in jeans instead of shorts and me be totally comfortable! Although, when I do finally get hot, it takes forever for me to stop feeling like I'm overheated. Such a weird thing but I will happily live with it!

And I'm doing relatively well. The baby is almost six months old. She's a bright little darling who is exclusively breastfed. I weigh around 160 lbs right now, give or take a few.

I worry all the time that I won't be able to keep this weight off after the baby stops breastfeeding. It requires more calories, which means I must eat more. Which I got used to doing during my pregnancy. I am just going to have to work on it when it's time to wean. I'll do it.

Been having a grumpy pouch this week, Thanksgiving did me in, I guess. I'll be fine though, in a while. It just needs a rest.

Life is good. The holidays are looming and I am almost done with the kids' shopping. The baby is the only one that is left to buy for. Hard to buy for a child so young, but she's getting useful stuff like a booster seat to eat out of and a few toys/books.

We are so thankful for the blessings in our lives. I can't even begin to express the way it feels to be given a new lease on things. I'm still not able to do everything I'd like to do, my doctor suspects I may have RA or fibro. Even with all that, I can still do so many things I was not otherwise able to do. I thought I had a handle on things before, that life wasn't so bad. Now I realize that I was merely existing, not really living. I'm so glad for the opportunity to experience life with my young children!

I haven't updated in a while and thought maybe I should. My pregnancy is coming along well as far as I can tell. We have another ultrasound this week to make sure the baby is growing like she should. Well, we think it's a she, I suppose we'll be double checking that little factoid as well. Maybe the baby will be more cooperative this time.

My weight loss is still going back and forth, no real news to talk about. Since I got pregnant so ridiculously early out from surgery, I've lost a majority of my weight while pregnant and that's a little scary from the mom point of view. I'm still losing off and on, a pound or two a month now. Who knows what will happen post baby, we'll just have to wait and see.

Sometimes it feels like I'm sabotaging my surgery even though I know it's what is best for the baby. I have mad cravings for sweets when I'm pregnant, this one being no exception. I'm trying to choose healthy sweets that don't hurt too bad. I will admit to being naughty on occasion though. Eating more for the baby makes me feel the same way. I know I need to do it, but that doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with. You make the decision to go through with this surgery to better be able to cope with your eating disorder (I've come to the realization that's what I have, and will always have. My father was an alcoholic, I'm a foodoholic.) Then something comes along and tells you, well, you can cheat for this little period of time just don't do it afterwards. I'm worried about afterwards, but I know that my tool is going to help me never to go back there again.

So yeah, that ultrasound to date hte pregnancy? It put my due date in June. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant. What a surprise. I was thinking maybe 12 was pushing it.

In just five months I've went from totally miserable to actually comfortable in my own skin again. I've lost 110 lbs so far. Another unexpected little twist in my tale is that I've just recently found out I'm pregnant. I'm not exactly sure how far along the pregnancy is but this Friday we go for an ultrasound to date the pregnancy and what ever. I suspect I'm between 10 and 12 weeks.

What does this mean for my surgery and my new life? I am not sure. I'm still losing, but I hear that's sort of normal for some people while others might even gain during pregnancy. I'm not sure how I'll do, I still can't eat a large amount but my doctor has recommended frequent smaller meals. I do what I can and when I remember.

Not sure if the nausea and vomiting I've been experiencing the past couple of months are pregnancy related or surgery related, it's hard to tell.

I hope I'll remember to update again in the future.

I feel so much better! Home really does make a huge difference. I think that the simple comfort of your own surroundings are a great healing tool. This weekend was nice, I think everyone was relieved to see me and that's sweet. I know that they were worried about me going to Mexico. Lot's of questions about surgery, too. I guess it surprises me sometimes that people don't really know that much about the surgery. They're always curious.

One thing that I do remember is how easy it was to wake up from anes. down there. I remember my last surgery where I was under general, it was miserable and I fought my way out of it. I just woke up this time, like from a good sleep.

I've been catching up on sleep, my schedule is all messed up. I'm not meeting my water requirements. I will need to find my groove, I suppose. I used to drink it from a straw. Now, that's just not possible. Bummer. I'm sure everyone has an adjustment period. The protein isn't as bad, but still not where I should be. I've got to order some of those bullets, I really liked them. It's much easier than a huge bottle of Isopure.

Is that there is always enough time on your hands to post things! I don't think I'm complaining of course. I felt pretty well today and went to lunch with James and Sophie. I drank some tea and it was like heaven. I wanted to slam it back so bad. I think I'm finally getting a system going with the sipping but there is no possible way I'm getting 64 oz down in a day. Although, with the tea, I'm pretty close today.

The Gastronomy tube is taking up the slack but I'd just as well be without it. I hate putting stuff in it. I can't seem to work out how to get the stuff all the way down so that I can shut the cap down firmly before it goes all over the place. Gross. I'm a creature who is bothered by many sensations. My sensory issues are very well known. This is not rating very well on my meter of sensations that I can tolerate. Blech. I also keep worrying about how it's going to heal once it's out and the posibililties of complications. I like things to be all sewn up and ready to go when there are no longer any ways to literally 'see' what is going on in there!! I think I'll request it out on Monday so that they can make sure it's doing well before I leave. The airport will be a trip for me as it is, I don't want to add to it.

I'm about to see if I can't get some tea delivered, isn't that horrible? I don't care, there is no real way to make it here! When I get home I'll make sure to buy lots of decaf! My husband says that he can see the weight leaving my face already, I don't know.

I am finally feeling better, I kept thinking to myself for the past two days, what have I done?? What have I done to myself and will I ever get over this? My husband keeps looking at me like I'm sorta off my rocker but that's ok because I think I might be a little bit.

Back 'home' to the hotel was a fun experience but not too bad, really. Our van driver was very considerate and even put up with some horn blows and crazy driving on my account! Jose is a great guy.

Finally I was able to rest last evening for a few hours of unbroken sleep. I was exhausted because I can never rest in a hospital. After a little emotional breakdown my husband put me to bed and turned all the lights out so that I would shut up, I think, hah. I'm about to go walk around the room some and plant myself firmly back in that bed for another five hours or so. If I can just stop hitting that gastronomy tube in my sleep. That wakes me up!!

I am finally feeling better, people keep saying I will but I still think I'm not up to 'par' with every one else's experience and it's frustrating me. I always have a tendancy to get frustrated easily when I don't feel like normal asap.  But all in all the surgery, staff, and hospital was all a very good experience. I enjoyed Dr. Rumbaut's bedside manner, he was never condesending to me and talked to me with compassion and faith. That's a doctor you can get behind.

in a few hours and I'm sitting here finishing up some last moment browsing. Everything is packed and waiting on us to get in the car and go. I'm ready, by far. Am I nervous? Yes. Am I scared? Of course. Am I excited? Hell yes. I'm so ready to be given this tool so that I can start over, in a sense. I'm done with food driving me, it's going to be about me doing the driving now!

Funnily, my best friend is most concerned about whether or not we'll be as good of friends post surgery because we're 'fat' together. Most of our 'fun' revolves around restaurants or food of some manner. I'm not worried about it, but I guess I could see her point. I say no use crying over spilled milk, especially if it's not spilt just yet anyway!!

So yeah, we get all my pre-ops today and meet with Dr. R. I'm excited to meet everyone and get settled into the hotel.

I have been on the all liquids portion of my ten day liquid diet for 3 full days now. From now on I'm only allowed water, broth, tea, and protein shakes. I'm sort of dreading it but I've figured out that I really like the isopure dutch chocolate so it's not so bad. I just have to remember only to have one and a half each day! It's almost like having ice cream so it's hard not to have them everytime I want to reach for something liquid.

I'm very excited still but starting to get nerves going on. I have three little ones that I love very dearly. I do this in part because I want to be a bigger part of their lives. It's not fair to me or them for me not to be able to enjoy all the things that I'm missing out on. But I do have doubts, I try not to think of anything negative but sometimes you have to just balance things out. I worry about leaving them, who will that benefit. The worst part is that continuing to be severely obese isn't going to keep me with them either. I'm a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. It'll be a long nine days to be away from the two older ones but I know that they'll be having a blast.

The three year old is used to being with us all the time and I'm sure she'll be in heaven having her daddy all to herself while I'm in the hospital. She's a mama's girl but her daddy is pretty cool to hang out with sometimes too. It'll be the first commerical flight for all of us, this should be interesting. My husband's crew has taken to telling him all about what  he should expect in Monterrey. I hope he's taking notes, I'm sure I'll be too insane by then to notice much.

All in all, I'm so ready to get this over with and let come what may so I can stop worrying and bugging all my friend's about it. Buffy, I know you'll be sick of me by the time the 24th comes!

July 25, 2007

I'll be going down to Monterrey on the 24th and get things going. I'm so excited and starting to get a little nervous but this is the best thing that I could ever do for myself!

Tons of things are running through my head. Can I do this? What happens if I get frustrated and low down? Is there going to be enough support for me? My hardest hurdle to face is going to be getting used to sugar free things, I hate artificial sweetners but I know it's something that I will just have to deal with. My health is more important than my dislike of sugar free foods. I've done it before and after you get over the sort of withdrawal, it's not so bad. My kids matter more to me than my love of sugar and food in general, I want to be around to hang out with them.