Hypochondria

Oct 24, 2009

A big part of why I have not written lately is because I have been dealing with some personal issues. I have not been feeling very social lately because my issues are consuming me. Monday is my 42nd birthday. As I mentioned before, I have been going through some issues regarding getting older. I have an unnatural fear of dying. My father was 42 when he had his first heart attack. After his heart attack, he suffered from severe depression and was unemployed for the better part of his life. My dad died of complications due to Hepatitis.    

I weigh about as much as he did when he was my age and I have risk factors such as diabetes, sleep apnea, and depression. I was also thinking about my last 14 years with the fire department. I could have caught some dreaded disease while working on a patient; or even in my younger days during sex. We are exposed to a lot of blood and guts (and vomit) at the fire department. You try to be as careful as you can be by wearing gloves and the like, but sometimes shit just happens - gloves tear, people throw up on you, a suicide patent spits at you, or someone in the ER crashes while you are standing around writing your report. Also, I was never very good about using condoms during sex so there's that.       

I went to my doctor and explained all of my concerns. I also reminded her that I had stopped talking Paxil and that had increased my anxiety. After talking to me for a while, she agreed that my hypochondria was related to my coming off my meds. She also knew that I would not feel any better unless she did something about it. She ordered tests for sexually transmitted diseases and referred me to a cardiologist for a nuclear stress test. Do you know what it is like to wait to find out the results of a STD test? Very stressful.     

She reminded me that my diabetes, sleep apnea, and depression are being treated whereas my dad's medical issues were left untreated. Also, I had a stress test last year and these things are good for a few years. She also told me that I don't have any deadly diseases to worry about. So, all in all, I feel better now. I am not dying of a disease and I will go in to get my heart checked out. Plus I have had better medical care than my dad did so I suppose I am in a better place.   

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