Daddy Warbucks
Dental Surgery
Sep 07, 2015
It’s been a crazy week with me being on narcotics for the dental surgery. I’ve been to see a cardiologist, endocrinologist, sleep doctor, and dentist this week. I also had my first work out with my personal trainer. I don’t enjoy working out, but I’ll just say that I liked the pace at which he went. I told him that I needed to work on flexibility and he seems to be listening to what I tell him about my goals and needs. The sleep doctor agreed with me that I needed a sleep study. My stress test was fine.
The upsetting news is that I gain 12 pounds in the last three months. I’m not sure how I did that, but the endocrinologist who has been trying to encourage me to lose weight was very disappointed.
It has been hard for me to focus on my weight with the mouth pain. I have also developed some sort of sore on the back of my tongue which hurts more than the surgery. The sore is on the same side of the mouth as the surgery and the two pains together are a symphony of throbbing discomfort.
I’ve felt like a bit of a failure not being able to focus on my health since the surgery. I find it hard to find the motivation to lose weight with the stress being produced by my mouth. I keep thinking that this might just be an excuse but I truly wish the pain would go away so that I could focus on other things and not be reliant on narcotics.
The same thing happened the last time I had dental surgery. I was in pain for a few weeks and a bad depression creeped in. The difference this time is that the pain and swelling has not gone away after a month and fighting the depression has been difficult. I don’t know why the two are related but it gives me some solace to know that once my mouth heals that perhaps my mind will heal too.
I’m really upset that I’ve gone back to my old self destructive, food addictive habits and gained 30 pounds. My sleep apnea and diabetes are back and I’m now taking insulin again. In a couple of months, I’ll be 48 years old and Andrew will turn two. It depresses me to think that my actions may cause me to not be around to see him grow up; not to mention the second baby we have applied for. I am reminded of my mortality daily because I find it difficult and awkward to get down on the floor to play with Andrew and also to get myself back up again. My muscles are very tight and I have never had much mobility or range of motion.
It is amazing how excited Andrew gets when he sees me come home from work. On the weekends, we are inseparable (except for naptime). He constantly wants my attention and wants to be in the same room as me. He treats me as if I am a super hero or a god, yet I feel totally undeserved of that title. It is one thing for your psyche to crawl up from battling low self-esteem all your life but it is something entirely different to go from having an inferiority complex to having someone think you are their world.
So I need to figure out a way to not only lose this weight, but also get off my insulin and gain greater mobility and flexibility. And by “figure out” I really mean I need to get over my self-destructive psychological barriers and motivate myself. My next endocrinology appointment is in December. I’ll plan to lose 15 pounds by then.