deniseselah
In a funk.
Feb 21, 2014
Maybe I have forgotten that I am sick and tired. I don't know. I just have not even been trying to eat the right things this week. Breakfast = perfect. Lunch = a little wobbly. Dinner = a disaster. I eat the way I eat before I decided I wanted surgery.
I know I have to stop. I know I need to prepare myself to use this awesome tool. I know people have had incredible success - because they WORKED at it. They made the right choices when it was difficult. I make the easy choices and dig my hole deeper and deeper.
From my journal today:
I know that every day I need to read a WLS forum, but I don’t. I probably need to read and maybe pray over one first thing in the morning, every morning. Probably need to start the day with that + the prayer I wrote back in Jan. I can’t suddenly expect a switch to flip on when I get a surgery date. When I sat in Dr. S’s office [in January] and he was like ‘this is great - a new year, a new start, maybe a 3-day mini cleanse with no starch and sugar, and then try to up the protein and really focus on the water and walking…’ it sounded GREAT. It sounded DOABLE. It has not been a total farce … but it’s not been good at all. I have had greek yogurt for breakfast every day - breakfast 5 days in a row. That is something to celebrate. I brought lunch from home 2 days. I walked two days (counting walking to/from my car at the Plaza). What possessed me to eat 3 pieces of XXXXXXXX tonight. I don’t know. I tried to remember how sick I would feel. But thinking about “how sick I would feel” in the future didn’t seem real. The only thing that seemed real, that seemed motivating, was the thought of having “enough” .......... I know that that is a lie. I’m even (half-heartedly) doing ‘gods at War’ so I know it’s a lie. So why did I do it. I don’t know. I wanted to believe the lie. Never dawned on me to pray about it. Never dawned on me to look at the before/after pic that had me so enthralled a few days ago. It’s like I am living two different lives, as if I fully expect that I can be two different people at once. I have to get a handle on this before surgery. I have to get a handle on this now. I am already concerned about all of the loose skin, and how much of my hair is going to fall out - I have got to increase my protein intake and exercise. I can’t wait until I am ‘forced’ to do to the liquid diet and then fight the urge to cheat. I need to be having a protein drink every single day. At least one. I was doing good with experimenting, and then I just kinda stopped. I tried pre-mixed Isopure, and it tastes like pee. Just like pee. But I have plenty of fruit and chocolate flavors. It’s another chain reaction thing: the kitchen is not clean, and I am tired, so I don’t keep my shaker bottles clean, so I never drink my protein shakes. It’s dumb. Also dumb that I had to sit down after being on my feet for not even 15 minutes in the kitchen. Sadly, a maintenance-free house will not take care of most of the things wrong with this house. I still have to walk the dog and keep the counters clean and replace the toilet seat and keep sheets on the bed in a maintenance-free house. My poor eating has lead to zero energy and a huge mountain to climb.
Going to bed early. Tomorrow is another day.
