deniseselah

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Gosh. May 6th was such a day. I was off May 5 - I remember showering with the antibacterial lotion, going to work to do open enrollment, and my starter going out! And me having to have the car towed.

I woke up Tues so excited. Got stuck in awful traffic and got to the office like 15 minutes late. I was so agitated on the way. And then final paperwork, and then they called me back. I stripped and put on the gown and those compression socks, and got into bed.

And then it began to get real, as they came by and put in the IV and talked to me about anesthesia. There were a few seconds where I was just laying there, alone, thinking This is it. This is the final - and somehow first - stop on this journey that I started FIVE YEARS ago, and quit, and then switched programs, and gave up on all together. And beat myself up and did Atkins and Fuhrman ($600 for the MOP!) and accountability partners, and decided to come back to the idea of surgery, and quit TWO MORE times, and finally. All that life, 5 years, had passed, and I had lost the same 25# 3 or 4 times … all I had to show for it was being 5 years older. But. Finally here I am, in the right program, prepped for surgery. About to change my life.

So by the time my friend N came back, I was pretty pensive and quiet. When I saw my surgeon I couldn’t help it - I began to cry. I was overwhelmed. I told him I knew I was in good hands. He said I was going to come through fine. I couldn’t help being emotional. They wheeled me off - the OR was freezing, and that is all I remember.

Surgery was scheduled for 9 - even though I’d showed up late, I was in right on time. My VSG took about 40 min - no complications. That still boggles my mind.

I have vague memories of BEING! IN! PAIN!!! in recovery.

I was very tired when they took me to my room - around 11:30, I think. I don’t remember getting in the wheelchair, but when they got me to my room and told me they would help me out of the chair and into the bed, I was like “You have got to be kidding. There is NO WAY I can get out of this chair. No. Way.” But I did. Man, did it hurt. They hooked up the PCA - I hit it immediately and was out like a light.

My best friend, N, was an absolute angel - always by the bedside, taking care of me. Unfortunately, he took pictures as well! Several friends and my employer sent flowers. Three separate visitors from church came - I am sorry to say I fell asleep on at least two of them.

I was so afraid the hospital was going to accidentally bring food into my room - I would have wretched. I could literally tolerate one small (half-fingernail-sized) pellet of ice at a time - two was too much water! There was another “No. Way.” when it was time for me to walk … but surprisingly, walking made me feel so much better.

Could not get any deep sleep but rested as well as I could. N went home for the night. I had the sweetest overnight nurse, who apologized profusely every time she woke me up for blood and vitals (every 2 hours, all night long).

The next morning - another walk. And as long as I could pee, I could go home. Only, I couldn’t. So I had to drink this vile, awful, disgusting liquid potassium. Ugh. I fell asleep for an hour - felt great when I woke up, went to the bathroom, and was discharged! Rode home with my little pillow on my tummy.

My queen size bed at home was suddenly HUGE, and so hard to get into and out of! It’s funny now, to look back on that, on all of it.

Everyone kept saying “it’ll get better … “ and, by God’s grace, every day I did feel a little bit better. So thankful to be a month out (even though I am in a stall!) and down over 40# from my highest weight. No regrets - even though my heartburn is worse than it was before surgery, it is manageable. All downhill from here.

Bring on month #2!

Had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. Woke up feeling pretty good, and had a decent food day. Decided around 4:30 to try an egg for dinner for the first time.

I made a lot of mistakes:

• I obsessed about it. It wasn’t just sustenance. It was AN EGG!! A milestone! I didn’t think about the future, about the fact that I could always have another in a few hours if I was hungry, and that I would also eat an egg tomorrow and probably once a day any other day I wanted an egg, too.
• I cooked 2 eggs, instead of one, because one egg did not seem like ‘enough.’ It seemed ‘too small.’ I cracked one egg, thought about it for a sec, and then cracked another. (also a problem, maybe, that I took the whole carton of eggs out of the fridge instead of just one egg. I have to be more deliberate.) I have GOT to learn to trust the portion guidelines. Many, many people are successful on the sleeve. The place I had my surgery is a Center of Excellence. Why? Because their programs and guidelines work. They have been tested and studied and I need to follow them. They have been down this road with countless patients. I have never been down this road.
• I served myself two eggs. Never dawned on me to cook two eggs but leave half of them in the pan while I ate just one and see how I felt.
• I served myself in too big of a serving dish. I had been eating out of these ½ cup storage containers N bought me. He bought me like 10. Well, they are all dirty, so I ate out of a bowl that was maybe 1 to 1 ½ c capacity. There is NO WAY those 2 scrambled eggs would have fit in one of my ½ cup bowls, and that could have been an easy reminder that, yes, I had cooked too much.
• I sat in front of the TV to eat. I am still really bad about that. But especially with a new food, I need to sit at a table and focus on how my body is handling the food.
• I gave myself an ‘out’ from the food timer - because eggs are only good when hot, and cold eggs are nasty. In other words, I made an excuse to eat at my normal speed.

About the only thing I did right was eat with a baby fork.

It was so freaking good. Really. Until I realized I’d lied about it. And then I started feeling sick.

I texted my cousin, who had WLS a few years ago, while I was eating. She reminded me to take it slow, use a baby spoon, I didn’t have to eat it all, etc. I told her I had an ‘extra bite.’ I did not tell her I had cooked two eggs.

And then the pain started. Oh, the pain in my esophagus and chest. And it got worse and worse - so bad that I texted another WLS friend and fessed up. She was so sweet: “...you will have to follow the rules.” What made me believe that rules didn’t apply to me? And did I really go through all of the prep and pain and expense of surgery and STILL lie about food? Really? I went through all that and STILL feel shame, still boldly make bad choices? Something has to change. There is no way one stupid egg was worth that pain, and lying!

Texted a second, non-WLS good friend. VERY good friend. She said “You lied because you are an addict and that’s what addicts do.” She is a true friend. I thank God for her, even though her words were hard to hear. I will need to recognize and address my addictive behaviors for this tool, the sleeve, to do what it is meant to do.

So I texted my cousin and admitted I lied to her. And the sky did not come crashing down. We had a good laugh. She reminded me that my eyes will be bigger than my stomach and that’s why the guidelines are in place. I told her that I wanted to cuss out that egg and we had a good laugh.

There was only one egg left in the house this morning, so I didn’t make the same mistake I made yesterday.

Hope and pray with me that this lesson sticks!!

This time last week I was ... calm! I was a TOTAL basket case the weekend before, but by Monday night a wonderful, not-of-this-world peace had settled over me. I remember driving to the hospital Tuesday morning, getting stuck in traffic, being called back to prep, and at some point I just started crying. My surgeon came out to say hi and reassure me and I didn't want him to see me cry. But that's Ok. It was a big day, a life-changing day.

Now I have had 6 days with the sleeve. I am so blessed to not have had much pain at all. I had an overnight stay and was home by 1p.m. Wed - that first 24 hours home was painful but after that things cleared up. The drain site is the only site that is just a little sore still.

The thought of food made me nauseous for days. It doesn't anymore, which is weird.

A couple of days ago, I realized that food is my main source of pleasure. And also, food is my main way of coping with pain and stress. That's a real problem.

I have done what I need to do to help myself physically when it comes to food. And now I need to use my resources (friends, therapy, other interests, and definitely prayer!!) to battle my emotional and mental connections to food.

Today I battled a lot of head hunger. I was in the house all day, with no real goals or aims, watching way too much TV. I was bored. I ate a lot of refried beans. I need a hobby, something to keep my hands busy. I connected with some other WLS friends via facebook, and took the dog for a walk this evening. That was good.

Reaching out is hard, but I have to. I can't do this alone. None of us can, and none of us have to.

I feel a little like I am in limbo. Everything is about to change - I have laid the groundwork for momentous change - but, nothing has changed yet. It's a strange place to be. But it is farther down the path than I was this time last week!! So I will be thankful for that - for the fact that things are starting to change even if I can't see them just yet.

Been a while since I've posted a blog, but it is so nice to have this outlet.

I made it through day one of the liquid diet pretty well. I was surprised at how well, actually. Had the urge to eat when I got upset, but found some self-soothing things to do instead. Woke up this morning feeling happy, and light! And talkative, and generally in a good mood.

And about 20 minutes ago the bottom fell out. I am pissed and cold and I have a headache .... and did I mention PISSED. I can not wait to go home and go straight to bed.  1 hour 44 minutes and counting until the work day is over. In the meantime I put on a shawl and made myself a cup of tea. Hope that works, or at least lets me hang on until it's time to go.

Surely this is my body getting used to no food, and carbs/sugar leaving my system. But I could literally growl at people right now. I thought the emotional roller coaster started AFTER surgery.

But .... as I am thinking of that, I know that I use (used) food to regulate my feelings. So in light of that I guess it makes sense that I would have emotional reactions to not being able to eat the way I used to.

This is an adventure.

Maybe I have forgotten that I am sick and tired. I don't know. I just have not even been trying to eat the right things this week. Breakfast = perfect. Lunch = a little wobbly. Dinner = a disaster. I eat the way I eat before I decided I wanted surgery.

I know I have to stop. I know I need to prepare myself to use this awesome tool. I know people have had incredible success - because they WORKED at it. They made the right choices when it was difficult. I make the easy choices and dig my hole deeper and deeper.

From my journal today:

I know that every day I need to read a WLS forum, but I don’t. I probably need to read and maybe pray over one first thing in the morning, every morning. Probably need to start the day with that + the prayer I wrote back in Jan. I can’t suddenly expect a switch to flip on when I get a surgery date. When I sat in Dr. S’s office [in January] and he was like ‘this is great - a new year, a new start, maybe a 3-day mini cleanse with no starch and sugar, and then try to up the protein and really focus on the water and walking…’ it sounded GREAT. It sounded DOABLE. It has not been a total farce … but it’s not been good at all. I have had greek yogurt for breakfast every day - breakfast 5 days in a row. That is something to celebrate. I brought lunch from home 2 days. I walked two days (counting walking to/from my car at the Plaza). What possessed me to eat 3 pieces of XXXXXXXX tonight. I don’t know. I tried to remember how sick I would feel. But thinking about “how sick I would feel” in the future didn’t seem real. The only thing that seemed real, that seemed motivating, was the thought of having “enough” .......... I know that that is a lie. I’m even (half-heartedly) doing ‘gods at War’ so I know it’s a lie. So why did I do it. I don’t know. I wanted to believe the lie. Never dawned on me to pray about it. Never dawned on me to look at the before/after pic that had me so enthralled a few days ago. It’s like I am living two different lives, as if I fully expect that I can be two different people at once. I have to get a handle on this before surgery. I have to get a handle on this now. I am already concerned about all of the loose skin, and how much of my hair is going to fall out - I have got to increase my protein intake and exercise. I can’t wait until I am ‘forced’ to do to the liquid diet and then fight the urge to cheat. I need to be having a protein drink every single day. At least one. I was doing good with experimenting, and then I just kinda stopped. I tried pre-mixed Isopure, and it tastes like pee. Just like pee. But I have plenty of fruit and chocolate flavors. It’s another chain reaction thing: the kitchen is not clean, and I am tired, so I don’t keep my shaker bottles clean, so I never drink my protein shakes. It’s dumb. Also dumb that I had to sit down after being on my feet for not even 15 minutes in the kitchen. Sadly, a maintenance-free house will not take care of most of the things wrong with this house. I still have to walk the dog and keep the counters clean and replace the toilet seat and keep sheets on the bed in a maintenance-free house. My poor eating has lead to zero energy and a huge mountain to climb.

Going to bed early. Tomorrow is another day.

I've been off for awhile ... but I am still kicking.

I spend way too much time on fb ... I decided last weekend that I'm better served spending more time here and on other WLS boards to keep my mind ready for this change.

Had another supervised pre-op diet visit yesterday. I am still choosing to stress eat, and so have not have any weight loss. If there is any good news, I have not had any weight gain in 6 weeks, which stops a steady increase that started last fall.

I know I need to track/log my food but I let myself slide. I have MFP on my phone and everything. I tell myself I can get by without it, when I ALREADY KNOW I NEED TO DO IT and that I CAN'T GET BY WITHOUT IT. Hard headed. Logging is a tool that works with my WLS - IF I use it.

I have read a lot of posts where people talk about how the first 12 months after WLS is so important, so I am working on getting the right habits in place.

I have already gotten used to not using a straw ... I thought that would never happen, and of course now it is not even an issue. So I need to diligently work at logging, so that it becomes easy and a habit.

Pre-op class and last supervised diet visit scheduled for the 2nd week of March ... getting excited!

Being sick and tired is a GOOD THING.

I woke up this morning SO SICK AND TIRED of being 375#.

Sick of no energy in the morning.

Tired of always being sore.

Sick of wanting to lay in bed all day.

Tired of never wanting to do anything.

You know the phrase ‘sick and tired of being tired’? Well that is where I am and I am SO HAPPY.

I did a 10-min walk and had a protein shake. That’s supposed to be my ‘norm’ every morning but I don’t do it very often - maybe like once a week.

Halfway through my 3 month pre-op supervised diet. I have been slacking. It’s like my will is buried and barely audible, like it’s under layers and layers of felt or blankets. It's been buried there for years. And now this morning it is finally starting to wake up. With a roar!

My daily goals at this stage are:

• 10 min walking a day
• 60g protein a day
• one-half pound non-starchy vegetables a day.

Walking is a big deal because I get sore grocery shopping. I used to be 30 pounds lighter, and I used to be able to walk the dog for an hour, or get on the elliptical for 30 minutes. Used to, used to, used to … now I want to sit down after the first 5 minutes of the Walk at Home DVD warm up.

But. No beating myself up. Today’s walk is in the books and I’ve gotten in ⅓ of my protein so far and it’s just 9:15 a.m. GO ME!

Couldn't think of a title.

Yesterday I was very motivated and gung ho. Today I am emotional and bingeing. I know I have GOT to find a way to manage my feelings, because I can't eat like an idiot after surgery. I just got so down today. Really alienated about work. And I couldn't find anything to do with those feelings. And I know I need to.

I still have about 6 weeks to get all of this right.

I tried to visualize myself coming home and doing the right thing. I'll keep trying. I also need sleep.

It is a shift for me to just do this process - it feels like giving in, like the sleeve is a last resort because I am weak, because I don't have enough willpower or character. I am trying to push those thoughts of my head and just WORK THE PROGRAM.

Off to read the boards and get some support.