Sometimes, I just have to share...

Mar 22, 2013

I saw this quote on Facebook recently & didn't really give it more than a nod...at first.  Later, the words just kept coming back to me over and over again.  Why had this random thing struck such a chord?  Struck hard enough that I am sitting here tonight, posting about it.

So let's just break this down a little.  Just focusing on the last word "nothing"...this word has vast, deep, and wide ranging definitions.  What IS the "nothing" in this quote?  Emotional nothing, do you know what it feels like to be emotionally deprived?  Physical nothing, do you know what it feels like to be physically deprived?  Deprived of what - basic needs or material wants?  Stay with me, if you will, I'll try not to go through too big of a psychological worm hole.

"...because I know exactly how it feels to have nothing"...wow, powerful statement.  To have nothing:  no love, no shelter, no food, no companionship, or what?  If these words strike a chord in you, what is your "nothing" that you have felt?  I'll answer for myself.

Today -I CHOOSE to be giving, in a pay-it-forward manner (meaning I give to others freely with no hidden agenda in my back pocket), because I can relate to their situation...does not matter the situation...I can relate on some level.  How?...keep reading...

I deeply know real feelings of loneliness, desire for acceptance, the wish to have someone anyone hear my needs and my problems...but have no one to lend an ear...or at least I FELT there was no one to lend anything not even a shoulder.  (Trust me, I could go on & on about just how deeply certain "nothings" resonate within this bariatric body & mind!)

In my past life, I "gave", to fill my own void of emptiness.  In my old lifestyle, the "nothing" would have been defined as my own emptiness.  To the tune of 401-lbs.  Truth.  During this period of my life, I gave & gave & gave to others until there was nothing left to give myself.  I did this as a form of denial, self-rejection, a display of self-sabotage because I believed I was not worthy of self-love.  I was rejecting my emotional & physical needs, demonstrating an underlying belief that:  other people, other situations, were more important than ME - so I gave my attention, my time, my commitment, my loyalty, my heart, my blood-sweat-tears to many other's:  feeding their drama, causes, needs, desires, solving their problems first, above all else.  This self-abuse cycle was not filling any void or providing true gratification, so I turned to food.  Food GAVE me everything I thought I needed...and all the extra weight...right along with that emotional sheepskin.

Fast forward to my life now, the healthy fulfilled life I am rebuilding, and I say:  I CHOOSE to give, not because I have ANYTHING special, but because I know how to EMPATHIZE.  People just want to be heard.  They want and deserve to be validated.  In some ways, "giving" validates me, it still makes me feel good.  Difference is, today, I provide for ME first.  I am worthy.  I am important.  I am worth loving.  When my cup runneth over, there is plenty to share with others!!!

I love & hate this quote at the same time.  My career profession is Customer Service.  I am good at it to.  I spend 8 to 10 hrs a day "giving" to someone in one form or another, doing, pushing, striving to solve issues for other people and departments.  I CHOSE to build a career in Customer Service, so yes, everyday I "give".  But over the years, the WHY I make the choice to give continues to evolve.  No longer am I "giving" to hide from myself.  Today I give (my advice, my knowledge, my time, my silence, my hugs, my attitude, my drive), in hopes that I make a real difference in someone's day or their overall situation.  When I lay my head down at night, I am not filled with emptiness -that dreaded feeling of "nothing" does not loom over me.  I am filled with the knowledge & the belief that I am a good person at my current weight and I was a good person at my highest weight.  My loyalty & my heart now belong to ME, those are things I give to myself.

Well, folks, that's my rambl'n words for this posting.  Watch out for those Facebook "inspirational" quotes...they may very well spark a storm in you!!!

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