I Want to Live

Mar 15, 2010

Who I am...
I am  a 40 year old wife and mother, I am beautiful, and  I am going to die.  I have a BMI of just over 45, although my friends and family don't see me that way.   And I am afraid because I am 40 years old and I don't want to die.

A month ago an ambulance took me to the emergency room because my blood pressure was 191/135.  I was treated in transport for a potential heart attack, with aspirin and nitro (twice).  After follow up with my PCP, my blood pressure medications were adjusted and now I am taking a cocktail of 4 medications in order to control my hypertension.  With an added benefit of almost constant migraines.    I suffer from heartburn/reflux to the point that I'm eating Tums Smoothies every few  hours, but the Reglan I had been given was trashed when the long term side effects were made public by  every class action attorney from east to west coast.  I have arthritis in my knees and asthma.  I am fighting depression and try not to think about the things that hurt me emotionally. (Shopping with my kids, summer activities I cant participate in-)  I find I am so often watching life from the sideline.

I went to a seminar on bariatric surgery on March 11th. 1 Month after my ER Trip.  I had been researching the surgery for a year and even talked to my PCP at my follow up from the ER Trip-  He said I definitely qualified and he would do the referral if it was truly what I wanted.  More research and I determined that I liked the Lap Band; I did not want a gastric bypass.  I had a real issue with surgical re-wiring of my insides because, #1 -God made me  and he doesn't make mistakes and #2.  What if it went really wrong?

Then the doctors said something at the seminar about morbidly obese elderly people.  -  There aren't any. 

I started thinking about all the volunteer work I've done with US Veterans and the positions I have held at the Fleet Reserve Association, Ladies Aux and the American Legion - no obese people in this group of elderly folks.  I worked at the VA and cant remember a single severely obese person that was elderly.

Where I am ...

After 15 years of daily use, I quit smoking on  March 11, 2009.  For a while, and sometimes now- out of the blue- it was my day by day battle. Now, it's my choice.  I didn't want to die so I quit smoking, I can't quit eating in order to avoid expiring from morbid obesity, but I do have to be just as responsible with my  food choices.

I've started keeping track of my food intake.  I've started counting the number of chews before I swallow my food and cutting it into smaller pieces.   I'm conscientious of the amount of real sugar I consume and trying to listen to my body and identify when I'm full, when I'm hungry and when I just need a glass of water.

I've taken the steps to organize my medical record information and have begun the process of gathering necessary documentation for referrals and prior authorizations. Most importantly,  I will continue to pray for guidance in making this decision.  I may even reolve my medical issues by losing weight without the surgery,.. 

Am I being optimistic or delusional?.. Only time will tell.

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