Day 3 in the Journey..

Mar 16, 2010

So, this week I called my insurance to verify WLS Benefits and requirements. While this process is very confusing stuff to most people, I am blessed to have been in the collection business for over 20 years, many of which were spent in Insurance Verification and Medical collections.   I was lucky to find out early that my PCP had been updated incorrectly and the consultation referral I was about to request would have been denied.    I'll be gettin' that fixed this week!

I started my nutrition register and realize that two days is not enough time to truly determine eating habits, but WOW! For someone not consuming a lot of bread products, I'm getting a whole lot of carbs! And I couldn't seem to stop eating yesterday.. all day long I was putting something in my face -   Was it because I exercised?  (Yeah Me!)  Was it because I was tracking it so "Food" was the obsession of the day? Or did I subconsciously believe it was "healthier food"  so it was somehow okay?..    But what scares me most is what if I did this after the surgery and _____________ (*fill in the blank with every bad thought)??

I've read a few of the member blogs... mostly Ladies, but I think that is simply proportional to the member registry, and I have heard my life in their stories.   I wonder how I could have ignored my weight for so long.  It was so easy to believe the compliments about how I looked and rest easy in the loving arms of my family and friends.  As long as I didn't actually SAY my weight, I could pretend no one really knew.  As long as my Husband never knew my clothing size, he wouldn't know I'd gained this much weight- After all, he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and ...   Truthfully, even now, he doesn't believe I'm "Big enough" to warrant life threatening surgery.

And I hide my tears.

I was so ashamed when my teen age Step-Daughter and her friend came to California to visit my Husband and me.  We took the girls to the amusement park.   I was on the ride, the attendant was locking down the shoulder harness and mine wouldn't lock.  I had to get off the ride and walk down the ramp in front of everyone..  I pasted on a smile and blamed my big ole breasts; I didn't attempt to ride anything else that day.   In my humiliation, I even allowed my husband to pay $130 for an annual pass to that park, but I never returned.  

How could I MISS the correlation between my continued weight gain and my declining health????   I'm IN the HEALTH CARE INDUSTRY, For Crying Out Loud!  The increasing blood pressure problems, the PCOS and female issues that result, the constant and continuous antibiotics or the worsening reflux?  I have a degenerative disk at my C6 ( in my neck).. but because of my size, I rarely sleep in a position that relieves the pressure on my neck.  I know that I KNOW better, so I cant figure out how to stop beating myself up.

I don't know if WLS is right for me yet.   I'm praying daily but God has told me to wait. 

So, I read.   I learn.   and I wait.

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