heathercross
February 2004
2-10-04 So, after my tenants decided to break their lease and move out 6 mos early, my hubby & I have decided to move back to NYC...CAN YOU HEAR HOW HAPPY I AM! I cannot wait. I am set to move back in June. I will commute to Philly via Amtrak until I find a new job (will take my time as I love my job and I am making GOOD money right now). Train is only 1:20 anyway, I can read the Wall Street journal every morning. Also, Lower Body Lift is 1 month from Thursday. Starting to get more scared. Saw some pictures of other patients, they look like shriveled up raisins, even after the LBL. As such, I am doubting my PS. However, I have seen others he has done. So, I am gonna go see 2 more dtrs, Dr Alan Matarasso (best PS in NYC and world renown) and also Dr Michele Zweifler. Also, debating putting off the PS till May. It maybe easier to go up for f/u care and what not if I am living in NYC....Not sure, kind of want to go know, March 12th, so, that I am in tip top shape when I hit NYC and am back on the interview circuit. I wanna look like a million bucks and feel like $10 MM bucks when I start interviewing. Wall Street wouldn't know what hit them.
2-15-04 Well, 1 1/2 years ago today, I had RNY. What a crazy 18 mos its has been. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same in the last 1 1/2 years. A lot has come true and a lot is still not accomplished yet. (1) I am not at goal. Looking back now, I now know that I initially set a lot of unrealistic expectations for myself. I initially thought I could lose 20lbs a months (as I did the first 3-4 mos) and I would be at goal in no time. Well, that didn't happen. I didn't have this surgery to be on a diet the rest of my life...I did this to put myself "on a level playing field as everyone else" and to "be active", as Dr Roslin & Dr Leitman always say. To them, that is success. To me, its always been about a number. That number, was "150 lbs or a size 10"...Well, I am not there yet, will I ever be? I don't know. Today, I weigh in at 189 lbs a size 16, up 6 lbs from my low of 183. Does that make me a failure, NO. But, I constantly struggle with the thought that it is. I have been away from the boards a lot lately. In fact, I don't even seem to recognize anyone anymore. The reason for that is b/c I often feel like a failure, and I also want to no longer "compare myself to others". I have been very lucky with this surgery. I had the best dr in the world. Dr Leitman, and the support of some wonderful people, you all know who you are. I have never dumped, I can eat anything I want, I tolerate everything and anything and I have never had a complication (except the leaking incision of 3 mos). I have made a commitment to this lifestyle, I have given up: soda, fast food, bread (except occasional slices of multi-grain), rice, pasta, milk (this has been hard) and most sweets. (2) I am still not happy with my life. I am trying to make important steps to be happy again. While 2003 was about change, 2004 is about accepting those changes and being happy with who I am now. 9 mos ago, I moved to Philly from NYC. I have been miserable, I am moving back in May. I don't have a job yet in NYC, but, I will get one and until I do, their is Amtrak to commute to my fabulous job in Philly. (3) I don't know what I want. I thought when I was pre-op that "losing weight" was the "cure all"...Well, losing weight is nothing other than "losing weight", while it does make you more healthy, more attractive, more self confident (in some ways), it also beings up a whole set of problems that you never even thought about before. I am no longer satisfied with anything in my life. Maybe I was never satisfied before, or I was just too lazy, fat and miserable to care. I don't know. But, I need to find out what satisfies me and go for it? (4) Coming full circle with my body. I am having plastic surgery. I have struggles with this. Do I really need it? Is it medically necessary? Will I survive going under the knife again? When I had RNY, it was medically necessary, the PS is more about vanity that anything else. But, the Lower Body Lift will make me feel complete. This huge "tire" around my abdomen, the ledge on my ass and the sagging saddle bags are too much for me to deal with. I want to always remember where I came from, but, have the PS will make me feel complete and feel "normal"...I have a FABOULOUS mom who has agreed to pay for it. I am so lucky and grateful. (5) My marriage. I really don't know what it is that I want anymore (can you see the pattern)...But, I am giving it one last try, and if things fail, at least I know I tried and I am back in the city I love. So, with all that said, I look to the "end of my window of opportunity". While the opportunity to "lose weight thru surgery" maybe over, there is the "old fashion" way of weight loss still readily available if I chose to go that route. If not, I want to be happy with who I am now and STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHERS. Whatever the case may be, I hope the next 18 mos find me some answers. For I am truly happy with the changes, but, more excited at what I can accomplish now, without the help of "my pouch".
April 2004
4-11-04 1 month from today, I will be going under the knife yet again. When I had my Gastric Bypass 20 mos ago (8-15-02), I was taking the 1st step in my new life, on May 11th, I will be taking the next step, to get rid of all the excess skin. My Lower Body Lift is scheduled for May 11th. I have paid the Surgeon's Fee ($9000) and still have to pay the other $4600 for the Hospital & the Anesthesiologist. I am excited and very scared. I am excited b/c I cannot wait to get rid of this HUGE ROLL around my abdomen. I cannot stand it. I would rather have a flat stomach and get rid of the ledge on my ass than be 150 lbs. Ironic, huh? Anyway, in addition to my PS 1 month from now, I also move back to NYC on May 7th. I am even more excited about that I think! One thing, I am not proud of, however, is of the weight I have gained. I am up to 197 this morning (up 14 lbs from my low of 183 last summer). I could kill myself over this. I feel like such a failure. I have gained most of this over the winter. I eat the wrong things, I don't exercise enough and I get down on myself. I think a lot of this is b/c of being depressed with my marriage and where I live. I know the PS won't solve all my problems, but, I believe in fresh starts and I think the move and my PS will be a great jump start!!
4-20-04 3 wks from today, I am having my LBL. Nervous! Scared as Hell! EXCITED (can you say Flat Tummy!)!!!
4-24-04 Dr Abramson asked me on Thursday if I would mind having my Plastic Surgery viewed by observers and possibly video tapped! He is doing a research activity with Genesis Medical Technology. They are studying sutures (sp?) and making better ones. They were interested in me b/c I am having a LBL and also b/c I am a post gastric bypass patient. Initially, I was like, no way! But, then I realized this could help other people in the AMOS family. However, my only concern is that at no time will anyone be operating on me other than him. My friend Wendy, the attorney, feels that if he messes up, at least I will have proof and if, God forbid, I die, its on tape and/or witnesses. I worry too that he maybe distracted with others in the room or he maybe too textbook and not be as aggressive with the lipo or the amount of skin he takes off. Well, yesterday, I got the "release forms" and I was gonna sign, then I read that he is being "financially compensated" for this research study. I went back to him with "what can you do for me"...I am self paying you know, I didn't get approved by Ins, the $13,6000 is coming out of my pocket ($11K from my mom, but, he doesn't know that)...I should at least get an extra night free in the hospital, $1000 kicked off my surgeon's fee, free arm life ($2K)...etc...Will let you know!
4-26-04 Well, Pat from Dr Abramson's office called, Genesis Technology can't observe me that day and I ain't switching days. So, its off. Guess I will be paying for it all with no discount. Not a big deal.
4-27-04 Payed the remaining $3600 of the $9K Surgeon's Fee today with my Credit Card. 2 wks away! No more Aspirin, Vitamins, Supplements, etc. Still scared to death. I am so scared I will die on the table ! I know this lack of positive thinking is really helping me (ha-ha)! If I can make it thru the next 2 stressful weeks, it will be a miracle! I see Dr Leitman on the 8th, maybe he will talk some sense into me!
