The longest most frustrating journey

Nov 22, 2011

 Well I am feeling like a GIANT whiner, but I am just so tired of this body and the life it brings.
So I was very thin my whole life. (I was that girl that I now hate) I was judgemental and rude, someone probably should have smacked me in the mouth to be honest.
 Oh how the world turns on its axis. 
So lets start from the begining. I am a 33 year old "girl". I live in rural Ontario and have 4 beautiful amazing wonderful children.
16 year old girls, 15 year old son, and 14 year old son.
As I prevously stated I was very thin my whole life. Under weight is probably the best description. My highest weight was 137 the day I went into labour with the biggest baby. At my 5'10 frame it was not exactly healthy.
In October of 2004 I was in a car accident. It was a very close call. I was comatosed and almost lost my life. I lost my husband and unborn son that day.
After that the pounds started piling on. I excused it thinking that after I was done the rehab to learn to walk again that the weight would drop off.....I was soooo wrong. 
I found I was stuck in this vicious cycle. I was sad and angry and lost and didn't know what to do, so I ate (ALOT). When the kids had something they wanted their dad to be able to go to I got sad and angry and ate. When I missed Chuck and the baby I got sad and angry and ATE. Then I got depressed about my appearance and ate. Hated myself more for eating so ate more.
I tried Herbal Magic I tried the south Beach I tried starving myself and nothing worked, ok well herbal magic worked till I couldnt afford it any more and had to stop and all the weight slithered back on plus 20 extras. So I guess I gave up.
I noticed I was getting bigger and bigger but just didnt care, then last year I realized I was now in a size 22 to fatigued to do anything with my kids.
So I signed up for Jenny Craig.....and that went well for awhile. 
So now here I sit at over 300 lbs and hating my life. I decided enough is enough! I started looking into my options, and decided WLS was what was best for me. 
Talk to my family doctor, who is wonderful and agrees. He put in my refferal and now I wait.
I am at the Guelph clinic so it will be a long one. I look at all these other people who have made the same choices who are moving so much faster and it makes me jealous and feeling petty. ( I am sooo happy for them) just jealous that it isnt me.
Once I made the desicion I guess I just want it to go quickly. 
My girls graduate highschool in a year and a half and I would love to be able to stand with them and take pics, not sneak in and hide at the back like I did at grade 8 grad because I was too embarrased to be seen.
I know that being at the Guelph clinic its a 2 year wait. I am trying so hard not to be a whiner but it is a battle I am losing!!!!!
I have decided to write this blog to vent my frustrations share my accomplishments and make some of the thoughts swirling around my head get out.

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