40 days pre-op!

Oct 12, 2012

I am afraid.  I'm afraid that I won't be at a decent weight for surgery.  I'm afraid that I won't be ready for my by big day.  I'm afraid that the old me who used to overeat, and has recently showed up again, is going to win and my $$$ spent on my surgery will be a big fat waste of money. 

And so we go around that merry go round.  Old behavior.  Feel bad-eat-feel bad about eating-eat....WAIT.  NO!  That's not who I am!  That's not the girl that works out, eats right, feels good about the self control and coping skills.  No way.  No how.  (Self talk.)  So I've accepted that I'm not going to get to the 135, the perfect BMI.  I can get in the 150's though.  I can.  Yes I can.  I saw a PS locally and he said that would bring good results.  Dr. S said the same thing.  I've come a long way.  I'm not going to give up now.  It's odd, so very odd, that I'm writing this and that I'm going through this.  I thought I had this weight thing handled.  Well, I don't.  A few carbs and I'm off and running like an addcit.  Yesterday's overeating was triggered by granola.  Protein granola for that matter.  One bite turned into the pack (11 servings x 140) which turned into:  I blew it.  I'll blow and then tomorrow I'll never eat anything  bad ever again as long as I walk this planet.  Not really quite that bad, but that's my routine.  That's my go to attitude.  That is NOT my higher self that I love and enjoy.  

So, at day 40 I start anew.  I can make some great changes in 40 days.  I've plateaued on my weight and I think that's part of my frustation.  I have a sports injury and that's inhibiting me too.  I've been busy and not making my fitness and food a priority.  Well, there sports fans, this is crunch time. I know you're supposed to have lost weight and kept it off before surgery, but I'm going to skate in by the seat of my pants.  I'm going to envision myself at 155 (10 pounds down) and happy with my progress.

Everything has been lining up for me.  As crazy as this sounds, I feel divinely guided for plastics with Dr. S.  I looked at 3 other surgeons and there were so many things that didn't work out:  cost prohibitive, not enough aftercare, required too many surgery sessions and too much time off to recover,  Then appears Dr. S (thanks Chris!) and the stars lined up.  I got time off work, I found some money (to borrow) and I'm ready to rock and roll. I have two like-minded feisty Surgery Sisters to share the journey with.  

THere's an old accounting saying:  figures don't lie, but liars figure.  I feel a little bit like this because I keep looking to find info that will tell me that I'll still be happy with my surgery even if I don't hit my ideal of 135.  Well, I found it.  This was on a page I was reading on "preparing emotionally for plastic surgery."  

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"Have you been losing weight? Do you need to be at your “fighting weight,” i.e. at target?  No. If you can get down to within 15-20 pounds of target, then your skin tone should tolerate these changes without much loosening after surgery.  Having a tummy tuck should be the reward for weight loss, but not the kick-off."
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There you have it.  I am 15-20 pounds from goal.  I can lose a few more pounds after surgery without too many complicaitons.  I'm ok.  I'm ok.  I'm ok.  Progress not perfection.  I have to remember how far I've come.  That girl, that strong girl who loves fitness and eating right and doing the next right thing is there.  She's here.  In Me.  One of the docs I had talked to in the states likes you 17 pounds from goal so he can sculpt.  Dr. S is a body contour guy as well.  Okay.  I sound like I'm talking myself into this, but I am.  I wanted to be the girl who did the best, got the best.  Not the girl who blew her opportunity.  That whole sentence reminds me of why I struggle with weight in the first place.
 

Now it's just up to me.  Only me.  In the quiet struggles of that first compulsive bite I will reach in prayer to resist. Anyone who doesn't have food issues thinks this is crazy.  I know.  We feel the same way. Being overweight has robbed me of so much in my life.  It's really kind of sad to break your own heart.  But, indeed I have. 

Today I'll muster up my inner best friend and we'll go on this journey together.  I'm clearing my schedule and focusing on prep for surgery.

I've ordered the preop vitamins and protein shakes and I'm taking care of myself.  I'm successful in life.  I can do this.  I can take what God has given me, accept his grace and continue on my path to a new me.  I am grateful for the Dr. S opportunity and I'm going to, as my friend always says:  Show up for myself.

Hello fear.  My name is Lisa and I'm here to walk all over you.  

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