Jenci S.

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Wow.  Last weekend was insane! 

We had my mom's 60th b-day part on Friday night.  LOTS of desserts.  I ate 6 bites of something or another throughout the evening.  Not too bad, before January, I would have ate one of everything, and then gone back until I had reached 4ths of everything.  So my 6 bites of dessert was NOTHING.  Plus I was on my feet the whole time, running in and out of the house, refilling food trays and replacing wine bottles.  So all in all it was good.

Then can Saturday morning, and the start of my party.  My mom planned a girls weekend for my 30th.  My Aunts, counsin, godmother, best friend and I all got massages, pedicures, and a spa lunch.  It was awesome!  I was offered a cranberry & champagne drink, but passed, and opted for water.  Lunch was good, just discarded the croissant and ate the chicken salad.  Strawberry chocolate cupcakes for dessert, ate the frosting, and a bit of the cake, but left most of it in tact.  That night I gave in and drank wine!  WINE!  I am not a drinker.  I just have no real desire.  But I thought I might need a drink in order to enjoy an evening at my aunts, with all the ladies.  So we had dinner, played Apples to Apples, I drank MAYBE one regular glass of white wine, and two glasses of mineral water.  I was feeling "good".  Little loopy, but not drunk.  Then we had dessert.  A fruit tart from a local bakery.  Shortbread crust with vanilla custard topped with fresh fruit.  I ate it too fast.  30 minutes later I was puking it back up.  Not sure if it was the alcohol or the sugar, or the combination of the two, but I got sick. 

Soon after that I was back out playing Apples for Apples and nursing another mineral water.  I learned a lot about myself this weekend.  1. Any alcohol is probably not a good idea.  2. Sugar, in excess, is really not a good idea.  3. I can survive without eating myself sick!  4. I am slowly becoming "ok" with not eating everything in sight.  5. Apples to Apples is fun, even when you're not drunk!

I have reached ONEDERLAND!  Before my 30th!  WOO HOO!!!  199.6!

I think it was the tea!  I had a nice BM last night, and I am now in ONEDERLAND!!!

Well.  Poop is a hot topic in my house right now, have a 5 year old who usually waits till the last second before running to the bathroom just in time to poop.  Then there is the 2 year old who is still in diapers and doesn't want you to change his poop.  Then there is me, my poop is sporadic, sometimes hard, sometimes soft, and sometimes pure liquid.  I can't predict when and where I am going to need to go poop.  CRAZY!

Lately I haven't been pooping enough, well enough for me to feel like I am getting everything out, so when my boss said he was having trouble pooping on the Atkin's and that his friend recommended a tea I was all ears.  He said his friend who told him about it just cuts the packet open, crunches the tea a bit in his mouth, then washes it down with water.  My boss actually boiled water, and drank it properly before bed two nights ago, and woke up the next morning ready to poop. 

My boss brought me a box today.  I have been smelling it all day, waiting until I got home to try it, BUT I have been cramping today with what feels like constipation so I just downed a packet.  It was gross, and I had to try really hard not to gag, but it wasn't as bad as I expected (I was thinking dry, musty leaves), I washed it down with Crystal Light, and am now waiting to see what happens.  My next post will be an update on whether or not I have pooped.  Oh come on, you know you love me!

I am becomming more and more aware of why grazing is bad, bad, bad.  I am also becomming more and more aware of my mindless eating habits. 

So my mantra today is:
Grazing = the Devil

I am thinking that is a simple, yet effective mantra.  Wish me luck!

This is not going to be the usual, "here is my recipe for a fantastic shake I just created."  Nope.  Nor is it going to be "try this protein, it is the best!"  What it is going to be is an account of what works for me.

At 12 weeks out I had tried every shake recipe I could find.  Nothing tasted good.  NOTHING!  It didn't matter what I put in it, it was gross.  Peanut butter, coffee, SF ice cream, frozen or fresh fruit, yogurt or juice, NOTHING!  So I started doing some research.  I found Muscle Milk and Atkins shakes.  I was able to drink those and get in some protein, the down side was they are expensive!  When I first decided to have bypass surgery my nutritionist recommended I start making shakes, and trying different protein suppliments.  My hubby bought the HUGE bags of protein at Costco (God love him!).  They tasted ok, I just needed to find a way to incorporate them into something I drank every day.  The homemade shakes were not working, and I knew I couldn't handle the sugar and calories in the stuff from Jamba Juice, so I knew I had to find something new.

In the mean time I had started back at work and we have a Starbucks.  I stayed away for a couple of weeks, but finally scanned Starbucks' web site looking for something, anything, I could drink.  I started slow.  I started with a Skinny Decaf Vanilla Latte.  It was delicious!  But I couldn't see adding my protein powder, BLAH.  So I started looking at the Frappachinos, and found the Coffee Light.  I knew I wasn't suppose to have caffein so I avoided those in search of something better.  Then I saw the Vivanno Smoothies w/added protein.  I did my research and discovered the Frapp Lights were lower in fat, calories, carbs, and sugar, so I diligently stayed away from the smoothies.  Then Starbucks came out with the customized Frapp line!  I immediately brought in a baggie of protein powder, ordered a Venti Cofee Frapp Light, and my friends at Starbucks blended my powder right into my drink.  One taste and I was hooked!  Now I will bring in chocolate powder, and I mix it up, some days it is chocolate w/Coffee Frapp Light, some days it is vanilla with Mocha Frapp Light. 

So before you condemn me, think about this...my pouch is going to be with me for life.  I have to find reasonable alternatives to what I consumed before surgery, for me a Frapp Light w/protein powder is the perfect alternative.  I drink one every week day morning and it keeps me going through to lunch.  It works for me.  Don't be afraid to try new things, but don't be surprised if they don't agree with you, trial and error is my way of life!

Sometimes I look back on how I thought everything was so far away and feel like I was a kid.  You know what I mean?  Its like when you go back to your elementary school and marvel at just how small it is, but when you were a kid you thought it was HUGE. 

August 2009 my then 4 year old danced at the State Fair.  I hadn't been to the State Fair in years because there was too much walking involved, and it was always hotter than hades that time of the year.  So we went, we walked, and 10 minutes in I was dripping with sweat, and exhausted.  Shoot foward a year and my now 5 year old danced again.  But this year was different.  Yes, it was hot, but I didn't drive around the parking lot in a fruitless search of the closest spot I could find.  And once we got out of the car I found myself leading the pack, as the fastest in the group.  I was the one who chased my younger son around as we waited for the show to start, I was the one running to get food.  I was the one who went on the rides with the boys.  It was amazing.  No fatigue.  I enjoyed every minute.  And I didn't complain about how far we walked!

Now I am the on volunteering to drop things off around the Convention Center (where I work).  Before now I HATED having to run errands around here.  Now it is a piece of cake!  So much so that I even entered myself into a 5K walk for the American Cancer Society for Breast Cancer Awareness.  My first "real" walk!  I am super excited.  And impressed with myself that I have enough confidence to think I can pull off the walk.

I think about food...ALL THE TIME!  Ok, well not all the time, maybe like two seconds of every day aren't consumed with food thoughts.  Maybe. 

I have learned over the last 8 months that I don't look at food in a healthy way.  I don't eat to sustain or fuel my body.  I eat because something looks good or I eat because I want to get some (whatever it is) before it is gone.  You would think I was one of 20 kids who had to fight tooth and nail to get a bite in each night.  So not the case!  I eat to eat. 

Before surgery I would down a plate of spaghetti in 5 minutes flat.  Telling myself it was because I had to finish before the boys finished so i could help them get ready for bed.  Or that if I didn't eat fast it would get cold due to interruptions from the kids who needed help with their food.  Yeah, lame.  Since surgery I have slowed down.  At first I HAD to slow down.  I couldn't physically eat too fast.  Since then I have picked up the pace a bit.  So every night when I sit down I have to remind myself to put the fork down.  Yes, the food is delicious, but it will still be there if I wait 2 minutes between bites.  Nightly I battle with my brain.  I sit at the dinner table watching everyone enjoy their meal and be able to stuff bite after delicious bite in their mouth while I struggle not to pick up my fork again. 

I guess I am writing this all down because I want to tell my current brain reactions that they're not going to win this battle.  I will change the way I look and think about food.  I think the first step to change is realizing the need to change.  Well, a year ago, when I decided to have surgery, I made the first step toward that realization, now eight months out from surgery I am seriously looking at how I view food.  Up until now I had no choice, I only had so much room in my pouch, and I could only handle a handlful of foods.  Now each bite has to be monitored, and chosen carefully.  Ok brain, did you read all that??? 

Since I was 5 I have loved to swim.  I was on a swim team for 8 years.  Despite being in a swim suit 24/7 for eight consecutive summers I was always self conscious of my body.  Mainly, my legs.  As I grew in both age and size that self loathing was amplified!  When I got to high school I wanted, more than anything, to join the swim team.  My legs held me back.  I couldn't imagine walking around a pool with my fellow students clad only in a swimsuit.  High school is hard enough without inviting unwated attention to yourself!  So I never tried out.  My swim team days were over.

I would like to say that once I finished high school I miraculusly became less self conscious and was able to wear a swimsuit proudly.  But, that is so not the case.  I still swam, believe me, any time I am near a pool I can hear the clorinated, eye stinging water calling to me.  But in an effort to minimize the humiliation I would buy the biggest, heftiest, sheet, eer, I mean towel I could find to wrap around my waist.  Looking back I think I must have figured my big boobs made the top half of me appealing which allowed me to only have to cover my legs.  Weirdo!  Anyway, once I got near the pool I would scan the area to see where I could safely and hopefully inconspicously, place a chair as close to the ladder / stairs as possible, so when I got in there would hopefully only be a brief flash of skin as I released the towel and jumped / dove / ran in, and then again for the journey out.  In addition to finding a close spot I would try to wait until I "thought" no one was looking.  WHAT THE HECK!  Needless to say, I spent the majority of the time I could have been enjoying the water plotting how I would even get in the water. 

So all that brings me to this weekend.  My parents, my husband, myself and our boys went to Lake Tahoe.  We stayed at a condo my god mother owns near the lake itself.  The condo is part of a resort and not only has its own private beach, but a pool too.  The weather was beautiful!  My husband and I were not expecting it to be so nice, so neither brought shorts.  I was a bit stressed about this because I knew I would never be able to find a Lane Bryant anywhere near us.  But then remembered, "Hey! I don't HAVE to shop at Lane Bryant!"  My heart skipped a beat at the thought of being able to buy clothes at any store.  Little "woo hoo" victory #1.  My hubby and I went to Ross, he found a great pair of shorts, and I headed over to the workout section in search of some capris or shorts to wear.  And guess what, I FOUND BOTH!  Addidas, yes, name brand exercise capris and shorts!  I couldn't believe it.  I bought both in Large!  LARGE!  WOO HOO!  Ok, so after that successful and rewarding experience we headed back to the condo to don our suits.  Luckily my mom brought two suits, both of which I had tried on before, and to my shock, they fit!  So I put on the pink tankini and skirt set, yes, PINK, no BLACK involved!  Anyway, put that on, put on my new rockin' capris, a comfy top and we hit the beach.  The water was too cold for me, but the boys loved it, and I loved watching them have a blast.  After about an hour we headed back to the pool.  This place is awesome, they had a separate pool, hot tub and wading pool.  My boys, both little headed straight for the wading pool.  The strangest thing happened, I took off my capris, I took off my shirt, and I freakin' casually walked over to the wading pool and sat on the edge and monitored the boys as they frolicked and played.  I didn't walk around with my towel wrapped around myself, I didn't run to get in, and when my 5 year old needed to go to the bathroom I got right up and walked with him into the bathroom without my towel!  Holy cow, who is this woman!!!  "Woo hoo" victory #2!  And to top it all off I kept looking up at my husband only to see him staring at me.  Yeah, AWESOME!  I am sure I don't have to tell you that there were TONS of kids and parents at the pool, even moms in bikinis, but I freakin' did it, I sun bathed and played with the best of them.

Some of this might be TMI for some...you have been warned! 

I have skin.  TONS of skin.  I have stretch marks that were so stretch before that I didn't even know they were stretch marks!!  Saggy elephant legs.  Droopy bat wings.  Pizza the Hut tummy.  Its bad.  Bad.  Bad.

Often times I am reminded of an infomercial I watched YEARS ago for a bra that supposedly took your excess belly fat, smushed it up toward your boobs and over time MOVED the fat from your belly to your boobs.  Oh if only it were that easy.  Some times I find myself standing in front of the mirror trying to lift my rolls up and out of the way so I can catch a small glimpse of what my fat free belly would look like!  Weird, I know.  Then there are the times I am in a goofy mood and I stand in front of the mirror and marvel at the waves I can make with my excess thigh skin by barely moving my legs.  And of course can't forget practicing every conceiveable posture or position I can put my arms in to hide my deflated stretch marks.  There are even times I am reminded of The Bearenstein Bears: Too Much Junk Food book my parents read to me as a child, which I now read to my children.  There is a part when Mama & Papa Bear take the cubs to see the doctor and as an example of too much fat the doctor grabs a chunk of Papa Bears middle section and shows it to the cubs.  Yeah, I have more than a chunk, I have about 5 chunks! 

But after all the complaining, there are ways to conceal this excess baggage!  Or, if you're like me you figure you are smaller than you've ever been, and those extra rolls are almost badges of triumph.  I FOUGHT THE FAT AND I WON!  I am still fighting mind you, but I am winning!

So, to all of you who have asked, YES, you will have excess skin, and it will be in the strangest, most inconveinent places.  However, think of it as a deflated balloon, except instead of air plumping it up, you had fat, fat that is now gone!  I have come to accept that I damaged my skin.  I will always have stretch marks, and until I can come up with the money to have them fixed, I will have saggy boobs, thighs, arms, and a rolly polly tummy.

I turn 30 later this month.  I want to be under 200 pounds.  I am almost there!  4.7 pounds to go.  UNBELIEVEABLE!  I honestly cannot pinpoint the last time I was under 200 pounds.  It must have been the beginning of high school.  I know in 6th grade I was 165!  Today I weight 204.7, almost 8 months out, down 140.3 pounds! 

People keep telling me that I  have always been beautiful, but that now I am gorgeous!  I look back and I thought I was pretty.  I justified my weight by telling myself it was ok because I dressed nicely and did my hair and makeup.  Looking back I see those were only excuses, and poor ones at that.  Yes, I was pretty, and yes, I had a great personality, but I was obese.

Now I find myself having all these horrific emotions and reactions to others.  I see morbidly obese people and I want to run up to them and tell them to get gastric bypass surgery because it will save their life.  I want to do anything and everything to convince them they have an option, and they don't have to be fat!  I feel sorry for fat people.  WTF!  Is this what everyone looking at me always felt?  Did they want to run up and tell me to exercise, and get out more?  Did they want to tell me to stop eating because I was slowly killing myself?

I recently went to a buffet with my family.  OMG!  If you ever need to be reminded of your former self, go to a buffet!  I kept watching these people load up plate, after plate, after plate with fatty, deep fried, sugar coated, sauce covered foods.  Then I watched them sit and devour each plate like it was an appetizer.  I never want to be that person again.  Never.

Now, 8 months out I find myself worrying more and more about continuing my changed habits and lifestyle.  Some days I feel like I am going to fail just to spite myself.  Almost as if I am not worthy of being thin and having an active life.  I have discovered I easily forget the head spinning, and near vomiting I experience any time I eat real sugar.  Or how easy it is to "graze".  And yes, graze is the correct term, I was a cow.  A big, fat, mindless cow when it came to food.  I never met a food I didn't like or want more and more of.  I would eat till I was stuffed and barely able to walk.  Nothing was off-limits.  If there was food out at the office I had to have some, and then five minutes later I had to have more.  Some days I still think that way.

My brain isn't "normal".  I think about food all the time.  I want to eat the last bite of whatever is in front of me.  If I am at a pot luck I want a heap of everything.  If there is a dessert buffet I am never satisfied with one item.  If I go through a drive through I want a combo, and I want them to make it King size.  The trick these last 8 months has been to realize I may want those things, but I can't handle eating those things.  So now the trick for the next 8  months and beyond is to know I could probably handle those things again, BUT, I don't need them.  I have "cleansed" my body of all fried, super fatty, sugar coated foods.  I do not want to erase this head start I have been given.  So right now I am working on my brain.  I am trying to find other ways to keep it engaged so it doesn't get bored and fixate on food and what is around that I can throw in my mouth.